How To Increase Your Sex Drive (Just In Time For Valentine’s Day)

Ahh, the elusive sex drive. One day it’s here, but the very next, we’re left scratching our head, wondering where it’s gone without so much as a warning.

By Alicia Bittle6 min read
shutterstock 1177042648 (1)

Be a friend to make a friend is what I always say. Not only is this true in life, but it holds true for our sexuality as well. Since good sex is really only achieved once all other basic needs are taken care of, we could say that all our sexuality actually needs is the right environment and a helping hand.

Hungry, stressed, tired, disconnected? Sex will most likely be a no-go that day. The unfortunate thing about this is that some of these circumstances are out of our control, but do you know what’s always within our control? Our response. If we spend all day in reaction mode, of course, by the end of the day, all we are going to want to do is react to our exhaustion and go to sleep. It’s unsustainable to live like this! Fueled by cortisol and coffee is no way to thrive, and your body knows this, so naturally, it's going to make reproduction (and the act that causes it) difficult to achieve. 

However, if we can teach our brains and our bodies how to respond rather than react to the daily ups and downs of life, our biology (and our sex drives) will be much healthier. And your husband? Much happier.

But, this is Valentine’s Day we’re talking about here, the holiday dedicated to romance! Not only do we want to make doubly sure we’ll be in the mood to do the deed, but we also want to have some fun with it! Well, not to worry, because I’ve put together quite the list to not only help you regulate your nervous and endocrine systems (the two systems most responsible for your libido), but I’ve also included some flirty and feminine tips to get your engine purring.    

Work Out

Not only will a good workout routine boost your self-confidence, reduce stress, and balance your hormones, it'll give you a whole lot of endorphins too. These little guys are your body’s natural response to eustress (or good stress), and not only do they turn off your body’s pain receptors, they literally make you happy by causing your brain to release dopamine. And you know what’s scientifically proven to increase libido and sexual performance? That’s right, dopamine.

So this Valentine’s Day, hit the gym before you hit the sheets, and give yourself (and your husband) the gift that just keeps giving…and giving…and giving. 

Stop Eating Processed Food Products

Honestly, processed “food” is quite a bit of a misnomer because it’s not actually food at all. It’s an amalgamation of petrochemicals, preservatives, neurotoxic dyes, heavy metals, natural flavor (a.k.a. beaver butt goo), citric acid (a byproduct of black mold), flour that’s been stripped of its nutrients and then literally bleached with chlorine, and sugar which is generally refined with a chemical also used in sewage treatment and cement.

It’s no surprise, then, that when we consume these products, we tend not to feel our best as these chemistry experiments have a tendency to disrupt our gut biome and endocrine system.

So, if you want to start feeling your best ASAP (some experts say you can start feeling results just 3 days after quitting added sugar cold turkey), cut these products out of your diet. 

Think Sexy Thoughts

Anticipation. It's almost as good as the event itself, and it might just be the key to getting your sexual appetite back. 

Sometimes we need more time to warm up to sex than what foreplay can give us, and that’s where anticipation does its best work. There's no pressure, you can take your time, and you can be as coy or as forward as you like. I’m talking, of course, about flirting with your husband. 

Flirting with your husband is probably the best way to build sexual anticipation. 

Flirting with your husband is probably the best way to build sexual anticipation. It's also probably something that was second nature to you when you both were dating, but during marriage, many couples have yet to rediscover this lost art and find themselves subconsciously missing it. 

Valentine’s Day (or the days leading up to it) is the perfect time to breathe new life into this forgotten aspect of your marriage and to up your flirting game with your husband. Additionally, scheduling or planning something romantic to look forward to is also titillating. Bonus points if you and your husband can tease each other about what’s in store…

Buy Yourself Lingerie or an LBD

Feeling sexy is an enormous player in a woman’s sex drive. If you can’t see yourself as a sexual being, then you won't want to have sex. It's as simple as that. Sometimes, especially in cases like this, seeing is believing, and nothing brings out a woman’s inner vixen better than an outfit she knows she looks hot in.

If you've been feeling more than a little shy when it comes to undressing in front of your husband lately, a set of racy (or tasteful, whatever your preference) lingerie and heels might give you the body confidence you need to come out of your shell of self-doubt. 

But maybe your husband isn't a lingerie guy? Or maybe it takes you a little longer to warm up than the time it takes your husband to unwrap a present. A little black dress (or really any dress you feel sexy in) would suit you perfectly then.    

We’ve all experienced just how much a good outfit can turn our day around. Why not apply this concept to your sex life and see what happens?

Paint Your Nails

There’s just something about the way delicate, painted nails look against the ruddy skin of a man, and I’ll let you in on a little secret…he likes the way it looks too

Painting your nails is something so uniquely feminine, you can’t afford to pass it up this Valentine’s Day. Not only will it give you a little extra grace and charm, but it’ll also keep you dialed in on what’s to come, that is to say, a steamy evening with your hubby. It’s easy to lose track of our sensuality when doing the dishes and changing dirty diapers, but there’s just something about painted nails that keeps me grounded in the largest facet of who I am, a wife. A wife who loves my husband and loves to keep him very, very happy. 

Pamper Yourself

Book yourself a day at the spa or light some beeswax candles, put on a mud mask, and draw yourself a botanical detox bath with fresh ginger, Epsom salt, and baking soda. Sometimes our feminine energy needs a little TLC in order to stir to life again. She’s at her best when she feels nurtured and cared for, and what better way to do that than to pamper yourself a little?

We’re all familiar with that inner glow we feel after we’ve taken the time to take care of ourselves, how it lifts our spirits, soothes our stress, and increases our libido. So, this Valentine’s Day, give yourself a little glow. You and your husband will be glad you did.

Awaken Your Feminine Genius

A woman's very essence embodies life and love. She has the unique ability to make her soul a shelter for all other souls, and under her hospitable care and through her gentle guidance, these souls are able to achieve their highest potential. She has an affinity for seeing the best in others, and she aspires to bring about the greatest good through her words and actions.

A woman's very essence embodies life and love. 

Sometimes the hardships of life can crush and damage this beautiful gift, but because it is innate to a woman’s nature, it can never be stripped away. Spend some time reconnecting with this woman, with your feminine genius, in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day. Let her hold your hand and bring you to the realization that becoming her, choosing to remain soft and kind in a world that can all too often be hard and callous, is true strength. 

Gratitude Journal About Your Husband

A grateful wife makes for a sexually satisfied husband. It’s just a fact of life. Gratitude journaling has been psychologically proven to relieve stress, increase overall happiness and optimism, create a sense of well-being, keep you physically and mentally healthy, and also increase feelings of, well, gratitude. In one study, it was discovered that couples who journaled about their partner not only had more positive feelings toward them, but felt more comfortable expressing concerns they had about their relationship, so they most likely grew in emotional intimacy as well. And if I’m allowed to assume one more thing here, I’m guessing these couples probably had more sex during the experiment than before, because the way I see it, if ever there were a recipe for sex, it’d be one part social/emotional intimacy and one part gratitude. 

Boost Your Confidence 

Nothing feels sexier than confidence, and if you find yourself lacking in this department currently, now is the best time to tackle it head-on! Figure out what’s got you down and set about correcting it today. Don’t wait. 

Sometimes it’s difficult to pinpoint what’s causing us issues, so don’t be afraid to enlist the help of a trusted friend or your husband to help you figure out what’s going on. Chances are, during your conversation, you’ll also be given a free pep-talk because a common reality all of us share is that, 9 times out of 10, we’re our own worst critic. So don’t be afraid. Open yourself up, breathe, and let the love in. 

Socially Connect with Your Husband

Before you get physically intimate, try getting socially intimate first. Pick somewhere comfortable in the house (not in the bedroom) to sit close together and just talk. If you’re like most married couples, chances are, it’s long overdue. This will give you both the chance to bridge any gaps you feel are creating distance between you and repair your mental/emotional intimacy. Many couples find sexual intimacy much easier to engage in afterward, and in fact, for many, it follows soon after!  

Many couples find sexual intimacy much easier to engage in after an emotionally intimate conversation. 

Aphrodisiac Foods

While “the science” will say that there are no scientifically proven aphrodisiac foods (because, let’s be honest, when ED meds rake in billions in global currency each year, why wouldn’t you say that?). We do know that, nevertheless, humans tend to all agree that there are foods that increase their sex drives, and not only that, we tend to agree on what those foods are. So, let’s just talk about the big two, the big two that have coincidentally been associated with the holiday of love and romance for thousands of years

Red Wine & Dark Chocolate

Red wine flowed during the fertility festivals of ancient Rome (some say that, though Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrating the heroism of St. Valentine, it finds its origins in the Roman fertility festival Lupercalia), and chocolate was used by the Mayans in 500 B.C as a part of marriage ceremonies. And though the first, iconic heart-shaped box of chocolate didn’t hit the market till the 1800s, you can’t deny, chocolate and love are inextricably linked.

The question remains for both, however, why? Well, as it turns out, the reasons are actually many. Firstly, both are vasodilators. This means both chocolate and red wine help to dilate (or open) the blood vessels in our body, making it possible for blood to travel more quickly and efficiently to anywhere it’s needed, and I mean anywhere… Secondly, red wine contains a chemical called ethanol, and ethanol stimulates “subjective sexual desire, pleasure, and arousal for many women.” Thirdly, just the smell of wine itself is said to stimulate sexual desire in both men and women. Scientists think this may, in part, be due to the conscious smell of wine and the subconscious smell of pheromones being similar. Fourthly and finally, red wine and dark chocolate both contain organic compounds called amines, and the specific amines found in red wine and chocolate are said to increase sex drive in males and females.

So, while “the science” will tell you there are no true aphrodisiac foods and that it’s all placebo, thousands of years of anthropological history say otherwise.

Just one word of caution, though, if you don’t appreciate a dose of lead poisoning with your chocolate, try avoiding these brands.

Closing Thoughts

This Valentine’s Day, you don't have to be stood up by your sex drive. While we can't always predict the waxing and waning of our libido (though cycle tracking makes this easier), we can create a friendly environment in which it can flourish. We can make it resilient to the challenges everyday life throws at us, and when needed, we have a few tricks up our sleeve to help stoke it to life in the short term.

Don’t miss anything! Sign up for our weekly newsletter and get curated content weekly!