Ask Evie: It Feels Like Only Guys I Don’t Like Are Interested In Me. How Do I Attract Someone I Like?

By Evie
·  4 min read
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Welcome to Ask Evie, our advice column. Readers can submit their questions, and our editors will dish out their best advice!

READER’S QUESTION: “I am constantly frustrated with dating. Every guy I am attracted to is never attracted to me, but guys that I am not interested in at all are always interested in me. It's very discouraging, and I don’t know if I'm doing something wrong.”

EVIE’S ADVICE: We know it can feel that way sometimes, but we guarantee it's not because you're doing anything wrong. Finding the right match is a delicate dance, and not every two people who meet are necessarily going to find that same connection. The more you keep putting yourself out there and meeting new people, the better chance you’ll have at finding that connection. That being said, it might also be time to do some self-reflection on a few different elements of your goal of finding a man you like who is also attracted to you! 

You may want to begin by taking a closer look at the type of people you are attracted to. Are you finding yourself being drawn to men who don’t actually complement who you are? It’s not uncommon to convince ourselves that we like a certain type of person, only to realize that your wants and needs aren’t actually met by the characteristics of these men. For example, you might love the idea of a man who is a hero and a protector, so you're attracted to men who are literal heroes: firemen, police officers, etc. But if the feelings aren't mutual, then maybe it's because the type of person who takes on a career in law enforcement doesn't really match up with who you are. Maybe what you're really looking for is a man who has the characteristics of a hero – someone who is brave and looks out for others – without the badge.

Some other ideas to consider are: How are you dressing? Our clothes communicate our values and our personality, and the impression our style makes on others will attract some people and disinterest others. Would your ideal man be attracted to your current wardrobe? 

Next, how are you acting? There’s the cliché “opposites attract,” and it’s actually true regarding the feminine and the masculine. A masculine man is going to be more attracted to a feminine woman than to an “I wear the pants” type woman. How can you lean into your femininity in a way that feels authentic and comfortable to you? Additionally, how are your flirting skills? Can you communicate to a man you do find attractive through flirting that you are interested in him? Men need encouragement to make the first move, and flirting is a great way to signal you would be receptive to his advances.

This is about optimizing your approach to give you a better chance of achieving a happy relationship based on mutual attraction.

Another point to consider is at what kinds of places are you spending your free time? Even small restaurants and businesses will have their own culture and attract a certain crowd. A dive bar will have a different crowd than a coffee shop or a church volunteer group. Are you spending your time in a place where your ideal man would also be spending his time?

If you’re using a dating app, does your profile need a refresh? Would switching to an app that includes more bio information and more filters produce better results, even if you have to pay a higher subscription fee?

This is not about changing everything about you, but about reassessing what might be helping and what might be hindering your growth and your goals. It’s about optimizing your approach to give you a better chance of achieving the results you want – a happy relationship based on mutual interest and attraction!

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