Fair warning: this guide is shamelessly shallow and meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Not a serious advice piece.
When I first began dating my now-husband, I remember insults being hurled at me by his jealous ex and her nosy friends, saying that I was nothing more than a “trophy.” I was honored. You mean to tell me that I’m the definition of a woman that a man is proud to have on his arm? With a college degree, a career, a perky butt, and a solid ego, I surely wasn’t willing to let this so-called insult make me feel any less than. Instead, I took it as a compliment, and 11 years later, my husband and I still joke about it.
With the feminist, girlboss movement rejecting the idea that a trophy wife is something to aspire to, I say, if we’re really honest with ourselves, I can’t think of a single reason why we wouldn’t want to be one. If, like me, you’re sick of the internet trying to convince you that “goblin mode” or “fugly hag strolls” is the way, and you’d rather be hot, rich, and worshiped by your man, then you’re in need of some playfully honest training on how to become a trophy wife.
Pull up a chair, settle in with your frothy oat milk latte, and let’s get into the lesson plan of the day. Here are 19 tips on how to become the trophy wife you’ve always dreamed of.
Hire a Personal Trainer
Number one tip to becoming the ultimate trophy wife: don’t let yourself go. When you think of a quintessential trophy wife, has a frumpy, unhealthy slob ever come to mind? Instead, let’s channel Margot Robbie in Wolf of Wall Street. Sure, you’ve got a brand new Peloton at home, but let’s be honest, if no one is actually seeing you workout, it kind of doesn’t count, right?
Schedule a Weekly Spa Treatment
Whether that’s a manicure and pedicure, a luxurious facial, a blow-out, or an indulgent massage, you obviously deserve it. Think your husband will be mad about all that extra money you’re spending? Think again. With clear, glowing skin, polished nails, luscious hair, and a relaxed demeanor, he may just up your credit card limit instead.
While you’re at it, go down this complete list of self-care ideas to do next time your husband is out of the house.
Hire a Full-Time Nanny
This way you have the option to see your kid(s) all day, but you don’t have to be in charge of diaper blow-outs or afternoon crankiness. Is your kid throwing a temper tantrum after you run out of puffs? “Mommy’s busy, hunny”, as Lauryn Bosstick would say.
Maintain a Polished Wardrobe
In the words of Kim K, you’ve got to be interesting to look at. Even if you don’t have the funds for designer clothes, you can still dress with the utmost class. Grab your husband’s credit card when he’s not paying attention (or ask him after a particularly good romp) and treat yourself to a new wardrobe that strikes the perfect balance of sophistication and sex-appeal.
Show the Other Moms Who’s Boss at PTA Meetings
No, Karen, the kids don’t need to learn about transitioning when they’re 5 years old. What they do need, however, is fresh green smoothies for breakfast and a thoroughbred therapy puppy to snuggle in between nap time, obviously.
Become the Hostess with the Mostess
Whether it’s a weekly Bachelor night or a monthly book club, hosting your husband’s friends and colleagues’ wives is an excellent idea. You’ll get some much needed girl time, and as long as you keep your claws away, the wives will brag about how wonderful you are as a hostess, which will increase your husband’s professional appearance as well.
Schedule a Weekly Therapy Session
You can’t be a trophy wife if you’re constantly nagging your husband and placing your “daddy issues” on him. Let’s face it – we’ve all got problems. But as a trophy wife, your husband just doesn’t need to be burdened by them 24/7.
Hire a Housekeeper
Between the spa appointments, the PTA meetings, therapy sessions, shopping to maintain your wardrobe, and the other obviously essential trophy wife duties, you’re certainly not going to have time to keep the house clean. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can just let it fall to the wayside. Hire a housekeeper (to come as often as you can afford) to do the dirty work like wiping down the cabinets, scrubbing the toilets, emptying the diaper pail, etc.
Ensure That the House Is Tidy Every Night
Dishes and laundry? Done. If you aren’t fortunate enough to have a housekeeper come daily, make sure that at the very least you do the dishes, fold the laundry, and tidy up any mess before dinner time each night.
Time Dinner To Be Ready As He Walks in the Door from Work
If you’re loaded, hire a chef; that's the ultimate trophy wife status. But, if you’re not quite to that level yet, this responsibility is going to fall on you. DoorDash is for girlfriends. Want to upgrade to wifey status? Don’t let your precious husband eat greasy fast food when you could cook his favorite meal from scratch.
Don’t Slouch Around in Sweats
Even if you’ve got nothing on the agenda, at the very least make sure to change into something presentable before your husband comes home. It doesn’t need to be a Selkie dress and sky-high heels, but you’ve got to remind him on a daily basis that you’re hot. It’s as simple as that.
Rich, Hot Mom Walk? Check.
“Must be nice!” This is exactly what you want your neighbors to be thinking as you casually stroll by their windows every afternoon at exactly 2pm in your perfectly distressed Golden Goose sneakers, giant sun hat, and iced oat milk latte.
Turn up the volume on “The Morning Toast” podcast and get those extra steps in to lift your booty and get a natural glow. A girl’s gotta prep for her upcoming trip to Hawaii, you know?
Don’t Air Out Your Dirty Laundry
On social media or in real life. Crying on Instagram stories or complaining about how your husband has been working too much? Not a flex. Keep any public conversations positive and classy, especially when it comes to your relationship.
Wake Up with the Baby
Your husband certainly doesn’t need to stir from his restful sleep in order to tend to the baby in the middle of the night. You’ve got the boob, mama! Let him catch some Z’s while you feed, rock, and sing the baby back to sleep in the nursery. Remember, you can always take a little nappie tomorrow once the nanny takes over.
Keep the Fridge Filled with His Favorites
His go-to beer? He never seems to run low. A snack for lunch? He already knows it magically appears right by his keys when he wakes up in the morning. Ask him what meals and snacks he wants for the week when planning your grocery list, but make sure to take care of the rest. He doesn’t need to be bothered by going up and down each aisle at the grocery store on Sundays when he would rather be watching football.
Schedule a Yearly Birthday Trip to Paris
Leave the kids with the nanny and hop on a plane to Paris with your beau for a romantic getaway. Sometimes he needs to be reminded of why he fell in love with you in the first place, and what better way than to share a carefree kiss under the twinkling lights of the Eiffel Tower? You’ll both come back refreshed and reinvigorated with your marriage front of mind.
Be Able To Hold an Intelligent Conversation
When your husband brings you around his friends and colleagues, you need to be able to hold an intelligent conversation. Contrary to popular belief, being a trophy wife isn’t all about your physical appearance. To do this, ensure that you stay up to date with what’s going on in the world and talk to your husband about hot button issues so you can remain on the same page when speaking in a group of friends.
Since you clearly don’t have time to watch the news all day every day (spa appointments, duh), we made it like way easier with our daily news email, The Glance. Subscribe here and learn everything you need to know each day in 60 seconds or less.
Trash the Frumpy PJs in Favor of Sultry Lingerie
Even if you're simply going for a silky slip dress, this is much more appealing than your raggedy sweats from the college dorm days. No matter how many viral TikTok videos want to convince you otherwise, your husband desires a sexy wife, not a “fugly hag.''
Keep Your Husband Satisfied
If you know what I mean (wink, wink). I know you’re utterly exhausted from getting your nails done and pretending to tend to the garden while your nosy neighbors were watching, but pony up and make time for sex. Intimacy is an incredibly important aspect of a healthy marriage and keeping your husband happy in the bedroom is going to be beneficial for both of you. Swipe on a coat of your $53 mascara, slip into his favorite lingerie, and put some energy into what you know he likes.
Do I do all of these 19 things on a regular basis? Honestly, no. But am I working my way up to that point? Absolutely.
Being a trophy wife is nothing to scoff at, and while this guide may be the most shallow thing I’ve ever written, it doesn’t make the points any less true. Whether you’re single and searching for a lifelong partner or you’re married and trying to enhance your marriage, take it from a girl who has had the same man wrapped around her finger for the past 11 years – these tips are as good as gold.
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