The Hot Girl’s Shamelessly Shallow Guide To Winning The Apocalypse

I don't know about you, but between seemingly systematic train derailments, grid attacks, and alien lifeform spy balloons, something is happening.

By Alicia Bittle5 min read
evgeny freeone/Shutterstock

Maybe it's our own government, maybe it's the Chinese, maybe it’s aliens, but whatever it is, if it’s all leading to the apocalypse, I’m not about to go about it looking like a hot mess. I’m prepping to be poised, prepared, and snatched, and this is how I’m gonna do it.

Start an Apocalypse Vision Board

How do you want your apocalypse to look? Do you want to be healthy, wealthy, and thriving? Do you want to become a tribe matron? Married to a handsome warlord who has many, many goats? Write it all down, girl! No dream is too big now.

You can also use the coming apocalypse as a chance to reinvent yourself. Who have you always wanted to be? Apocalypse princess? Village crazy lady? Cult leader? Once civilization crumbles, personal records will cease to exist, and all anyone will have to go on is word of mouth. Frankly, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime.

Additionally, now is the perfect time to step into your lucky girl era. Repeat after me: “I don’t have to worry because I know I’m lucky!”

Start Training Now

Physical fitness will be important. Like, I just know we’re gonna have to run away from bad guys trying to steal our blood, or aliens, or something scary at some point. Also, we might have to hit people, and I don't know about you, but the only punch I’ve ever taken was whatever was being served up during college parties. Plus, I'm positive looking like a VS Angel will help you secure a position in the new tribal society I’m sure will be set up. Or, at least it’ll help you attract a protective husband who will do all the punching for you. Either way, there’s no downside to starting your apocalypse boot camp training now. 

Start Hoarding Skincare and Makeup

If any factories are even going to be functioning after this, they're definitely not going to be used to make your favorite makeup and skincare products. That's why we need to stockpile them while we can. Like I said, I’m not about to go running through the woods somewhere looking like a hot mess. My apocalypse is going to be less Walking Dead, more walking the catwalk.

Also, it’s probably a good idea to start looking into old ways of beauty preservation. I’ve read that Cleopatra bathed in donkey's milk, and living in ancient Egypt was basically like living during the apocalypse. Like, people were still sleeping on the floor and stuff. So if Cleopatra was considered one of the most beautiful women of her time and is still talked about today, maybe I should preemptively buy a she-donkey? 

Decide on Your New Fashion Choices Now

Apocalypse chic will be very in, and since literally everyone will be wearing it, you need to figure out a way to stand out now. Also, though, for like the first time ever in fashion history, functionality will actually be important. Again, we’re going to be running from the government, driving horses instead of cars, shooting arrows, and feeding pigs and stuff. So maybe we go for dark leather and a cowl. “Assassin queen” is sure to inspire just enough love and fear to keep you safe. 

Also, hairstyle is going to be an important factor in all of this. Ponytails and buns are practical, but they’re also, like, super boring. Do you want an intricately braided faux hawk? Dreads? A single long braid? Decide now, and start practicing while YouTube is still a thing.

Start Developing a Useful, Transferable Skill

Freeloaders won’t be tolerated in the new pockets of post-apocalyptic society, so start thinking of a marketable and useful skill now. This is gonna be, like, the biggest rush week of your life, so you’ve gotta be prepared. Nothing would be worse than having to go to your backup tribe instead of your first choice. 

Skills like repairing people, birthing babies, and healing sick people will be in high demand. So if you’re already a doctor or nurse or something, you’re ahead of the game. But also, maybe not? Because I’m pretty sure Big Pharma will be dismantled alongside civilization as we know it, so, that’s actually good news for the rest of us. Buy yourself a few books (the paper kind) about medicinal plants and herbs, and cross your fingers that the water and vegetation near you isn’t poisoned by nuclear fallout or a train derailment. 

Buy a Gramophone

Or, really, any music player not powered by electricity, and some records. I have a feeling Lana del Rey and her devil-may-care attitude will be making a comeback in a big way. That, or Mongolian metal throat singing. I haven’t decided yet. Either way, I think the apocalypse will be exciting in its own way, but it could also be, like, really boring, so being the only one with access to music might serve you quite well.

Also, maybe learn to play an instrument? That electric guitar guy in Mad Max: Fury Road seemed to be really popular with his tribe. Even though they were the bad guys, they still really appreciated music, so I bet that’ll be a skill that can win you a lot of favor no matter what situation you find yourself in. 

Learn a New Language

Chinese or alien, I’d flip a coin, but just between you and me, I think Chinese will be a little bit easier to learn. Plus, there are just way too many alien languages, how are you supposed to know which race is going to invade?

Either way, being able to communicate with whomever our new overlords are will be important. Bonus: It’ll also mean you’re less likely to get killed, and more likely to get put into positions of power by your fellow gulag inmates. Talk about upward mobility! Climb that ladder, girl!

Choose a Cool Pet and Start Researching How to Train It

A lot of apocalypse books, shows, and movies feature the main character (the one who wins) as having a loyal, unconventional (okay, sometimes conventional) pet. If you go the conventional route, you have a horse, dog, or falcon to choose from. If you go for the unconventional (my personal favorite), then you have the entirety of your local zoo at your disposal. Lion, bear, elk, or wolf just scream main character vibes to me, so I’d go with one of those.

Just have a plan in place to bust them out once everything goes sideways. Everyone might give you weird looks as you run toward the city center they’re running away from, but just ignore them. You don't need their negativity. You have a plan, and everyone is going to wish they had a cool pet like yours as you all sit in the refugee camps together. 

Get Yourself a Boyfriend or a Husband

This man is now your apocalypse buddy. If you’re already married, congratulations, you’re doing well. If the relationship is new, do not tell him about your plan. He will think you are crazy, and he will leave you. But in your head, you know he is your apocalypse buddy, and that’s all that matters. Maybe drop an Apple Airtag into his car or something, so you know where to find him once the apocalypse is announced on Twitter. I’m sure he’ll be too busy to text you back, so finding him yourself will save everyone the headache.

The human male will be your most valuable asset in this brave new world, as their physical strength and higher levels of aggression make the perfect complement to your feminine intuition and prudence. Also, there are seriously going to be a lot of icky and labor-intensive things you’re going to have to do now. If you have a guy with you, at least he’ll do the lion’s share.

Additionally, the good news about the end of the world and stuff is that casual dating will probably die along with it! 

Start Hoarding Toilet Paper

I knoooooow. It's so 2021. And when people did it during the pandemic, they got a bad rap. But they honestly had the right idea. Have you ever thought about what a world without toilet paper would be like? It’s not pleasant, trust me. Even crunchy people draw the line here, and they’re even crazier and more apocalypse-ready than the rest of us. Just don’t let anyone ever, ever see or know about your little dragon stockpile. They’ll be praising your foresight once they get apocalypse belly and have to sit against a tree all night because they ate a cat or something (also another really good reason to get a cool/useful pet, people won’t eat it).

I’m not really sure how you’ll transport all the toilet paper in the event you have to flee your home or are forcibly removed, but you can just figure that out later. I’m sure your she-donkey wouldn’t mind carrying an extra bag (or two) of toilet paper for you. 

Closing Thoughts

The apocalypse might seem super scary right now, but seriously, there are also a lot of really cool and exciting things to look forward to. Like, when else will leather be so en vogue again? Also, can you just imagine what a badass warrior queen you’ll look like on top of a horse? Or what it’ll feel like sitting in between the legs and arms of your man as he drives your horse for you? So dreamy.

With just a little planning and effort, anyone can have the apocalypse experience they’ve always dreamed of. So get off your tush, shrug off that existential dread, and start planning, sis! 

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