Let me introduce you to Camille. She’s around 30, lives in LA, and she’s in tears over the state of her love life. Why? I’ll let her explain:
“I just had the craziest, saddest thought,” Camille begins tearfully. “I’m in the stage of life where I’m watching all my friends get married and have babies and find love, and I had another talking phase, yet again, fall through. And my friend was like, ‘You’ll meet The One one day. Don’t give up!’ But now I’m at a point where I hope I don’t. Because what happens if I meet him, and he wants kids, and I’m too old to be able to give him any? So it’s easier for me to say I don’t want kids.”
Camille genuinely seems like a lovely woman. She’s beautiful, funny, and down-to-earth. Any guy would be lucky to go out with her, and yet even she is struggling to find real love because our modern dating scene is a disaster area. The days of courtship and shared values and really getting to know a person have been usurped by a culture of hookups and “dating for fun,” and it’s making women miserable.
Casual Dating Was Falsely Advertised
Casual dating was advertised as something that would empower women. We were told that we didn’t need to settle down with a man. Instead, we should date for fun, embrace our sexuality, and have as much meaningless sex as we wanted. We can take birth control, so what is there to worry about? Few people ever considered the emotional toll that casual dating would have on women, but the consequences have been dire for not only the women who engage in hookup culture, but even for those who don’t.
Casual dating was supposed to make women and men equal, but it ended up exacerbating inequalities.
The ironic thing about hookup culture is that while it was supposed to make women equal with men, it ended up exacerbating the very inequalities it was supposed to fix. Men get everything they want and more out of the deal. Now they can have sex with as many women as they want, they don’t have to worry about getting a woman pregnant, they get to embrace their inner Peter Pan Syndrome, and they can put off responsibilities for as long as they want – perhaps indefinitely. Meanwhile, women are left feeling empty inside.
Does Camille seem very empowered to you? No, she seems heartbroken. Her TikTok is hard to watch because you feel for her. Maybe you, like many women nowadays, are struggling with exactly the same issues she is. If anything, casual dating has empowered men a lot more than it ever empowered women. The idea that you can “have fun in your 20s and settle down in your 30s” might sound like a good idea, but it turns out that, as Camille points out, the men you date in your 30s are no better!
The Tainted Dating Pool
I have no idea if Camille engages in hookup culture or not, but it doesn’t matter because she’s affected by it either way. Casual dating has made finding a serious man more difficult because it teaches men not to be emotionally serious.
One of the unfair realities of life is that men can father children well into their older years while women simply can't, so casual dating in our 20s and 30s isn't as harmful to men as it is to women. Women typically don’t have the luxury of waiting until 40 to settle down if they want to have kids. We’re naturally on a much shorter childbearing timeline than men. Casual dating has worsened this timeline inequality and set many women up for heartache later in life.
Even if you don’t engage in casual dating, you still suffer the consequences of it.
Even if you don’t engage in casual dating, you're still harmed by it because it taints the entire dating pool. If you want to find real, lasting love and settle down, there are fewer viable men for you to choose from because casual dating not only teaches men to expect sex right away, but also that they can live free of any responsibilities that come along with a relationship while still reaping all the benefits.
When presented with the limitless sexual options that casual dating offers, the idea of choosing to settle down with just one woman is unappealing for many men. Evolutionary biologist Bret Weinstein calls this an “evolutionary bargain.” Casual sex presents men with too good of a deal to pass up, so why would they?
Women Get the Short End of the Casual Dating Stick
Women and men process emotions very differently, especially when it comes to sex. We get attached much more easily than men do, which makes it very difficult for us to engage in casual sex without emotional consequences. It’s not just me saying that, it’s actually been proven by science. Women experience a big boost in oxytocin (the love hormone) during sex, which expedites the bonding process for us.
The desire for emotional attachment is built into our very DNA, so while men can have casual sex and go on their merry way afterward, most women find that very hard to do. One of the worst parts about casual dating is that it makes many women feel guilty about their very biology. Modern feminism teaches women that we’re exactly the same as men, so we should be able to have all the casual sex we want and not feel a thing. Then when women try that strategy and it backfires, we’re made to think there’s something wrong with us. What a psychologically torturous notion.
Casual dating makes women feel guilty about their very biology.
Camille mentions something else in her TikTok that’s important. She now feels the need to lie to herself and others about the fact that she wants kids. “What happens if I meet him, and he wants kids, and I’m too old to be able to give him any?” she asks. “So it’s easier for me to say I don’t want kids.” Casual dating not only forces women to lie about their emotional needs, but it also forces many to lie about their desire for children, even to themselves.
I often wonder if one of the reasons why fewer and fewer couples are getting married and having children nowadays is not because fewer people want children, but because it has become increasingly difficult to find real love in today’s world. And for a woman, it’s harder to find the right man while there’s still enough time left on her biological clock to bring kids into the picture.
Of course, there are many other socioeconomic factors that go into this statistic, but I believe our upside-down dating culture is one of them. Women have also been conditioned to think that having children is a lesser goal than chasing a successful career, so they often put off having babies until it’s too late. So many of these modern ideas that are meant to empower women end up having the exact opposite effect.
Camille finishes her story by saying: “I don’t know why I’m posting this on Tik Tok, but I think, I need to know I’m not alone.” You’re not alone, Camille. Many women feel the exact same way you do. They want the exact same things you do. Love, meaning, family, happiness. These are not unreasonable desires in life, but casual dating and hookup culture undermine every single one of them.
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