Yes, scheduling sex isn’t spontaneous, but that doesn’t make for bad sex. In fact, if scheduling sex brings your relationship more sex, it can really only improve your marriage. Here’s how.
It Prioritizes Your Sexual Relationship
Sex is a vital part of every marriage. It is necessary, and it is good. If scheduling sex is what you need to do to get that part of your relationship functioning again, then what’s so bad about prioritizing it in a way that works best for your marriage? Prioritizing good things is never wrong, and cherishing sex in this way is the perfect reminder of just how important this aspect of your relationship with each other is.
You’ll Have More Sex
So, yeah. This one is pretty obvious, for obvious reasons… Wherever you and your husband are on the sex frequency spectrum (once a year, to once a month, to once a week), you’re reading this because you want to have more sex, or at least you’d like to make it more regular and less sporadic, or maybe you’d like to see it prioritized better. Whatever the reason, scheduling sex can help, and you’ll not only have more sex, it’ll be better sex too.
You’ll Be Happier
Studies show that couples who have more sex are happier. Swedish scientists found that couples who increased their sexual frequency from once a month, to once a week, increased their happiness to the psychological equivalent of finding an extra $50,000 in the bank. Princeton scientists interviewed 1,000 women about which activities made them the happiest, and sex won the popular vote. And Carnegie Mellon scientists discovered that while having sex more than once a week wasn’t conducive to increased levels of happiness, the quality of that weekly sexual encounter was.
Studies show that increasing frequency to once a week feels equivocal to finding an extra $50,000 in the bank.
No More Fear of Rejection
Now, barring the usual reasons many couples purposely abstain from sex (sickness, monthly cycle, a fight), once a sex schedule is agreed upon, there shouldn’t really be any unpredictable reasons either of you skip out. You both agreed that you would have sex on this particular day, and you both need to do everything within your power to keep that promise. This takes rejection, at this point, completely off the table. And for both the individual in the marriage who’s routinely turned down and the individual who feels bad for saying “not tonight” so often, this can be a real relief. Here's some tips on how to increase your sex drive so you're ready on the pre-scheduled day.
Now that’s not to say that this process will be perfect or that it’s foolproof. There will probably be some nights when you just don’t feel into it. There will probably be nights when he doesn’t feel into it. But this is where teamwork comes into play. You both agreed to the sex schedule, so this is a team effort. That means that if one of you wants to have sex on the agreed-upon date, but the other one isn’t in the mood just yet, you get to work together to resolve the issue.
I personally recommend not breaking your commitment to one another and instead fostering the habit of prioritizing your relationship. Use these evenings as opportunities to get to know each other's sexual preferences better. Start with some pillow talk – what does he like? What do you like? Get some ideas rolling, and then just go with it. With a little extra effort, these can actually be some of your best nights together. Taking time to build the mood always pays off in the end.
Opens a Dialogue
Conversations like these help develop intimacy between you and your husband. Chances are, before scheduling sex, it wasn’t a topic that got brought up that much. Now, you both have the opportunity to discuss sexual preferences, desires, and hang-ups (though I’d do this before you both hop into bed, as these conversations can sometimes be uncomfortable). You get to dive deeper into your sexual relationship socially now, and you’ll deepen that already existing intimacy because of it.
A More Intimate Marriage
Sex brings people closer together, physically and psychologically. It’s literally what it was designed to do. The proof is in our hormones and neural pathways that literally change after engaging in sex in order to bond us to that person. If our brain and biology had their way, the bond would be permanent. That’s just one of the many reasons sex is so vital to marriage (and so harmful in casual hookup culture). The sexual bond affects every facet of the relationship between a husband and wife, and every other facet in turn affects the sexual relationship. We can’t control all the aspects of life that might negatively affect our connectedness to our husband, but, by scheduling sex and sticking to the plan, we can at least hold sway over one.
The sexual bond affects every facet of the relationship between a husband and wife.
A More Satisfying Marriage
In one study, it was found that couples who have sex once a week or more are not only more sexually satisfied than their counterparts who have sex less often (I mean, this just seems like common sense), but they were also more satisfied in the relationship as a whole. The study also found that these couples tended to be more forgiving of their partners and were therefore better at conflict resolution.
I don’t know about you, but if all I have to do is have sex at least once a week to have a better marriage, well, that’s a price I’m willing to pay.
What could be more erotic than knowing you’re going to have sex with your husband later that day and then spending that day in anticipation? You can essentially continue to celebrate Valentine’s Day all year long. Those days you have sex penciled in? Those are mini Valentine’s Days. Pick out a wine you both like, light some candles, put the kids to bed early, cook (or take out) food you both enjoy, flirt the day away… Scheduling sex gives you so many opportunities to romance and be romanced in turn.
Romance Gets Prioritized
Speaking of which, scheduling sex gives you both the opportunity to be romantic again. If you’ve been married for any length of time, chances are that things have gotten a little less romantic and a little more…familiar. Keeping the mystery alive becomes a little more difficult with each passing year, but scheduling sex can actually help ease the burden. Use these days as an opportunity to be extra feminine. Dress in a way that tastefully accentuates your best assets. Play coy. Be alluring. Treat these days like they’re special, because they are. You get to unite yourself to your husband in the best, most pleasurable way. You get to physically demonstrate your love for him and he to you. What’s more, if him simply being a man in all of his rugged manliness is a thing that turns you on, just wait till you see what happens when you lean into your femininity…
Scheduling sex isn’t about having sex for sex’s sake; it’s to deepen your connection with your husband.
Makes Sex the Event It Deserves To Be
Sometimes sex is treated as an afterthought, a quick convenience, or taken for granted. All three of these habits are easy to fall into, and they don’t really make for good sex. The connection isn’t as strong, it can start to feel like you both are just going through the motions, and before you know it, sex starts to feel like a chore and it wasn’t even on your to-do list!
This is also something that scheduling sex can help with. Make an agreement before you choose your days of intimacy, that the sex had on these days will be intentional sex. It’ll be sensual, premeditated, and lovely, and you both will take your time. Because here’s the thing: Scheduling sex isn’t about having sex for sex’s sake. It’s to deepen your connection with your husband, and that’s not easily achieved with mediocre sex.
Sex deserves to be an event, as often as it can be. It’s the physical representation of the love you have for each other; it’s the physical embodiment of marriage. It’s life-giving not only to future generations, but to the relationship as well. So as often as you can, have good sex.
Our modern-day culture has somehow duped many married couples into thinking that scheduling sex is unsexy. But honestly, what’s more unsexy here, marital dysfunction or working together to achieve marital bliss? I think the answer is clear, and the solution is obvious. So do yourself (and your relationship) a favor. If you want more sex, pencil it in!
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