Men seem to be able to get in the mood almost instantly, while it can seem like it takes us forever to get warmed up. What's the catch?
Please note that this article is for our 18+ readers.
So you're not in the mood for sex? It's not just an occasional thing; it happens frequently. It’s understandable. With hectic schedules, children, smartphones, Netflix, and our ever-changing hormones, it's easy to see how sex can get pushed to the bottom of the pile.
If you haven't had it in a while, sometimes it's easier to bury your head in the sand instead of addressing what's really bothering you. It's human nature to protect ourselves from yucky feelings such as guilt, shame, or rejection, so it's understandable why sex can be an extremely sensitive subject for many.
Physical intimacy is an important component of a happy and successful marriage. It symbolizes acceptance, attraction, trust, connection, and love for one another. When it's absent, it can make you feel lonely, which can place the marriage at risk of infidelity or divorce. It's a red flag that shouldn't be ignored.
Sex symbolizes acceptance, attraction, trust, connection, and love for one another.
Studies suggest that the happiest couples have sex at least once a week, and other research indicates that 70% of couples who divorce cited that a lack of sex was one of the main reasons for parting.
So how do you get the balance right so both your needs are met and you feel satisfied? How do you overcome those days when you're just not in the mood? Here are our top five tips.
1. Wait 20 Minutes
It's important to remember that men and women approach sex differently. Most men can usually get turned on just by thinking about sex, while most women need a time to warm up. Women typically need to feel relaxed, or there needs to be a build-up of intimacy before doing the deed. When we don't understand this about one another, it's easy to see how men and women misinterpret each other's cues when initiating or declining sex.
The next time your husband initiates sex, instead of turning him down because you're not in the right headspace, why don't you try saying, "Okay, in 20 minutes."
This will give you enough time to shift your focus and prepare.
This will give you enough time to stop whatever you’re doing so you can shift your focus. For example, you could do a few stretches to help you feel connected to your body and more relaxed. Stretching also increases blood flow which gives you a boost of energy. You could also put on lacey lingerie and perfume to help you feel sexy and sensual. Or how about a hot shower to completely change your mood and start fresh?
2. Pull out the Scented Candles and Other Aphrodisiacs
We all need help to get started from time to time. Pull out things like scented candles and soft music to set the mood. Or you could try rubbing essential oils to decrease stress and stimulate your libido. Eating dark chocolate can put you in a good mood, and pouring a glass of your favorite wine can help you relax and calm your nervous system.
3. The Power of Foreplay
Remember when there was a lot of foreplay at the beginning of the relationship? It started with a bit of teasing and flirting, and then you'd kiss, then touch and foreplay, then you made love.
Instead of jumping straight into sex, take the time to slow down and kiss each other passionately.
Why don't you try incorporating foreplay again? Instead of jumping straight into sex, take the time to slow down and kiss each other passionately. Then slowly and gently move onto touching each other intimately, and if you feel like it, try giving each other oral sex before ramping it up.
Sometimes when you slow down and pace yourselves, you end up enjoying it more.
4. Talk about Sex
This might be awkward at first and that’s okay, but simply talking about sex can help you feel at ease. It can also ignite your imagination, stimulate arousal, and bring you closer as a couple.
You could talk about the things you like or don't like about sex, the frequency, the quality, positions you might want to try, positions that freak you out, or any other kinks that get your curiosity. If you don't know what you like, you could ask your husband for his suggestions and get him to lead the conversation.
Talking about sex is about being open with each other, so you can understand and be more responsive to each other's needs and desires.
5. Change Your Routine
Sometimes the thought of doing the same old position is not very inspiring. Break your routine by switching things up. Try different and new positions. If you're out of ideas, there are plenty of resources online, or you can buy fun games like this deck of cards, which lets you draw a new position at random.
Set yourselves a challenge to try a different position once a week for the next month.
Why not set yourselves a challenge by trying a different position once a week for the next month? Add it to the calendar if you have to. Pre-planning sex and romance ahead of time not only gives you something to look forward to but also gives you the time to prepare yourself.
Having a basic understanding of why sex is an essential component to making a marriage successful can help you approach and view sex more positively.
Marriage is a two-way street and can often involve sacrifice. Sometimes sacrifice means making a cup of tea for each other when you're not in the mood, and other times it means having sex when you're not in the mood. This doesn't mean you have to say yes every time, but knowing these basic principles and having tips in your toolbox can help in those moments.
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