Sex-starved marriages are a common problem, so should you have sex with your husband even if you’re not “in the mood”?
One of the most common complaints men have about marriage is not getting enough sex or being in a sexless marriage. It's also one of the top searches on Google compared to other things such as love, happiness, and communication.
While there are many reasons why a couple isn't getting enough action in the bedroom, should wives (and husbands) make more of an effort and consider each other's sexual needs even when you're not "in the mood"?
Men (Usually) Have a Higher Sex Drive
Everyone is different, but overall, men have a higher sex drive than women.
Study after study proves this. Firstly, one of the main reasons for this is men have much higher testosterone levels. There's a reason why they get a morning glory! Secondly, a man's sex drive is more straight forward. Men can get aroused simply by thinking about sex or seeing sexual images. In contrast, women are slightly more complex and usually require intimacy before having sex.
Men can get aroused simply by thinking about sex or seeing sexual images.
It's why the gaming and porn industries are multi-billion dollar industries and are more popular among men. They offer highly visual experiences with instant gratification, while more women prefer erotica because it ignites our imagination, emotions, and feelings.
We also live in an overly sexualized society. All you need to do is turn on the TV or scroll through social media to be exposed to hundreds of sexual images and videos designed to trigger your arousal. With this constant stimulation, it's easy to see sex everywhere.
Why Couples Don't Have Enough Sex
There are so many reasons why couples don't have enough sex. This can be anything from the small pressures of the daily grind to more severe resentment issues or past traumas.
If you find yourself repeatedly turning your husband down for sex, you need to ask yourself why that is. If you're unsure, journaling is a great and safe way to explore and understand obscure problems. So grab a pen and notebook and see what surfaces.
If it's merely because you're too tired, then how can you delegate some of your to-do lists so you're not always feeling frazzled? If it's a lack of desire, what can you or he do to reignite that spark? If it's problems from the past, can you talk to him about it or can you speak to a professional?
Getting to the crux of your problems will help relieve the burden so you can feel relaxed and happy again. When you're feeling relaxed, you'll be more willing to open up.
Should You Have Sex If You're "Not In The Mood"?
While it's a good thing to have sex with her husband, you shouldn't have sex if you're genuinely not in the mood because you won't be very present. That's not only depressing, but it can also be dangerous.
While most of us are in happy, healthy, and safe marriages, many women aren't, unfortunately. Some women are in horrible and abusive marriages, so that's why sex should always be consensual and something that you both feel comfortable with. Sex is such an intimate act that can have a psychological, emotional, and physical impact if you're not ready to receive your husband. So yes, it’s absolutely your right to accept or decline his advances.
Sex should always be consensual and something that you both feel comfortable with.
If you aren't in the mood, that's fine, but the key is not making your husband feel rejected or bad about it. Instead of completely shutting him down, you could try saying: "Sorry, honey, not right now, I'm tired. Could we try tomorrow?"
This way, you're communicating clearly and honestly, which shows it's not a flaw in him, that you're still attracted to him, and you're genuinely tired. I know this might sound wooden or over the top, but as you can see from this article, sex is a massive deal to men, so maybe we should consider their feelings more. Treat others how you would like to be treated, basically.
If you say you're going to have sex tomorrow, you should keep your promise and make an effort. If the reason was that you're tired, block out the evening to practice self-care beforehand so you feel more relaxed and rejuvenated. You could run yourself a bath with essential oils and listen to soothing music, for example.
Or if you have a busy life with children and a high-pressure job, try initiating when you can. You may even need to schedule time with your husband to have sex. This may sound incredibly boring (sex is supposed to be spontaneous and passionate, right?) but it can actually make the sex better. First, you'll be able to plan to be energetic and in a good mood when you get home. Stay away from stressful or exhausting projects that day. Instead, focus on how excited you are for the evening with your husband. Try sending him a flirty text or two during the day to get him excited too.
Sex should be a fun, romantic, and bonding activity between you and your spouse. Finding ways to put yourself "in the mood" more often will not only help your husband feel more loved and respected, but will help you be more loving and relaxed as well.
While it's fair to say that we can and should expect certain things from our marriages, we don't own our spouse. You're both still allowed to have your own thoughts, feelings, and boundaries, which need to be respected.
Trying to understand things from your spouse's point of view can allow you to fulfill each other's needs better, if not always immediately. This can be difficult, but with a bit of practice, you can build trust that each spouse is aware of what is happening in the marriage and is willing to make an effort to maintain a healthy and fulfilling sexual balance. This way, a lack of sex won't become a massive obstacle that can often push couples apart.