How is your sex life? Do you know what you like and don't like, and does your husband know your preferences?
Please note: This article is for 18+ readers.
Do you like it soft and gentle, or hard and rough? Do you like variation? Or are you one of those couples who does "missionary" every time? You'd like to try different positions, but you don't know how to tell him, so it's easier to stick to the same routine. I get it, it can feel awkward, embarrassing, and even shameful.
Sex is one of the trickiest conversations to have. Unless you're super experienced and a confident lover, you've probably never talked about it openly and honestly. Don't worry, most couples haven't!
Whatever your situation is, you're completely normal, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
The important thing to remember is sex is an essential aspect of marriage, and in order to have an amazing sex life, you need to be able to talk about it with your husband. So how do you go about doing that?
Sex Starts in the Mind
I once heard a life coach say, "sex starts in the mind," which is true if you think about it. Although men and women tend to view and approach sex differently, arousal always starts in the mind.
You've heard the saying Men are visual creatures. Men can become aroused instantly by seeing the naked body or a woman wearing a minidress, and just thinking about these things can stimulate a man's mind. It's a primal instinct, and it's the reason why industries such as the porn industry cater to their "reptilian brains."
Something about feeling wanted, safe, and connected makes a woman want to open up and have sex.
Porn is not nearly as popular or stimulating for women. Our arousal system is a little more complex, which is why most women prefer films or books with romance and sex scenes. Something about feeling attracted, wanted, loved, safe, and connected makes a woman want to open up and have sex with a man.
The first step in talking about sex with your husband is to start thinking about it.
Grab a pen and paper and write down your needs, wants, dislikes, and desires. For example, do you need more than just physical intimacy to get turned on? Do you need to be romanced? Do you need to feel wanted and hear words such as, "I'm so attracted to you, you look hot in that dress, I want you now!”? How do you like to be touched and kissed, and how do you like to have sex?
Now think about sexual words and phrases you feel comfortable with and words that make you blush – for example, kissing passionately on the beach, caressing, grabbing, sex, big d*ck, doggy style, cowgirl, etc.
Let's Talk about Sex
Now comes the talking part, but before engaging in a conversation with your husband, try saying what you wrote down in front of a mirror first. I know this may sound a little crazy and weird, but it’s good to practice feeling comfortable about the subject. Otherwise, you might feel embarrassed and avoid the topic again.
Say the sexual words and phrases out loud in front of the mirror. Then practice saying your needs, wants, desires, and dislikes. For example, "kissing passionately on the beach, caressing, grabbing, sex, doggy style."
Followed by: "I want more sex, but I also need to feel desired. I need to hear words of affirmations such as, ‘You look hot in that outfit, and I can't wait to rip your clothes off! Touch me here, softly. I don't like it when you do that, but I love it when you pull my hair’."
Practice saying your needs, wants, desires, and dislikes to yourself in the mirror.
The idea is to keep repeating the words, phrases, and desires to yourself until it feels easier. It may take a few goes, or it might feel good to finally express what you want sexually. Go at your own pace until you think you're ready to talk to your husband.
Before talking about sex, try flirting with your husband first. You could throw him a compliment about his muscles, or how you like the shirt he’s wearing, or how you love the sound of his deep masculine voice.
The idea is to lighten the mood, create positive energy between you, and see how he responds. If you've been experiencing some negativity in your relationship, it may take him a while to receive your compliments positively, but keep trying, and he'll ease up over time.
Do this a couple of times until you feel confident flirting before taking it up a notch.
Now you're ready to talk to him about sex. Make sure there are no distractions and tell him what you've been practicing in front of the mirror.
Remember to focus more on the things you like instead of the things you don't like. This is a good opportunity to use the "sandwich technique." This strategy involves "sandwiching" negative or potentially sensitive feedback in between two compliments or pieces of good feedback.
For example, you can start by reminiscing on a night where you guys had great sex, and how sexy you thought he was. Then, you can bring up the critique: "I loved it when you did X, but the other night when we did Y, it just wasn't my thing." Or, "I've noticed you keep doing X, but it doesn't really do it for me. I really want to have fun and be present when we're having sex, but that takes me out of the moment."
Focus more on the things you like instead of the things you don't like.
Remember that you can keep physical closeness while discussing this. Sit in his lap, or snuggle up and keep your hand on his chest. Let your body language remind him that you're super attracted to him and still very much connected.
Finish the conversation with another compliment or perhaps a new, fun suggestion for you two to try out next time. Adding a kiss or another sexy touch doesn't hurt either. Remember, you still love him and are attracted to him. Giving feedback doesn't have to be mean or embarrassing. And he'll love being able to make you happy.
Most husbands wish their wives would just tell them exactly what they want. Your husband wants you to enjoy yourself in bed, and that means communicating what you like and don't like. All your husband wants is to make you happy, so let him!
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