Ask Evie: I Know My Boyfriend Isn’t The One But I’m Afraid No One Else Will Want To Date Me

Welcome to Ask Evie, our advice column. Readers can submit their questions, and our editors will dish out their best advice!

By Evie3 min read
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READER’S QUESTION: "Let me start off by saying I don’t have much experience with dating. I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend until I graduated high school. I’m 23 now, and in the years since graduating, I’ve only dated three guys. Each of those three relationships ended with me being cheated on, giving me the mindset that I’ll never be good enough to be the only girl in a man’s life. That mindset is only worsened by the fact that I’m a slightly chubbier girl, and I know I would be prettier if I lost weight.

On top of that, after my most recent relationship (which was three whole years ago), I was told ‘Have fun dying alone, no one else is going to put up with you.’

Now that those three years have passed, I’ve started seeing a friend of a friend. He’s a nice guy, but I don’t think I’m even attracted to him, and I know he’s not for me…at all. He’s very childish, doesn’t want kids, and isn’t afraid to let our friend group know that he watches porn and says it ‘isn’t a big deal.’ He was even looking into buying tickets to a porn convention this spring. When I told him that it bothered me, he (and eventually my entire friend group) told me to stop overreacting and that it’s not a big deal.

So I know that this guy isn’t for me, but I feel that I rarely have opportunities to meet guys, let alone date them, so I shouldn’t be as picky. Am I overreacting?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: We are so sorry that this is happening to you! Needless to say, your ex saying that to you was not only cruel, but obviously untrue. It sounds like he had a lot of growing up to do and, in the end, saved you time by showing his true colors early on in your relationship and allowing you to move on to someone more deserving of your love. That being said, this new guy certainly isn’t a keeper, either. You should not have to lower your standards because the men you’ve had experience with in the past were not a good fit for you. It sounds like you need to level up. When your ex said that no one else would “put up with you,” what did he mean by that specifically? Not that there is any valid reason for a man treating you so badly or cheating on you, but it is worth looking inward to see why you are attracting the kind of men you are. 

What is your personality like? Do you find yourself complaining a lot or being overly negative or critical of others? Or maybe you tend to be a pushover and don’t stand up for your beliefs or values, or you’re extremely insecure? How can you become the best woman possible to attract a truly masculine, trustworthy, respectable man? It may be worth taking some time to yourself to dig deeper into your relationship habits and pitfalls to see why this is a repeat experience for you. A beautiful woman who is skinny can still get cheated on – just look at supermodel Emily Ratajkowski. Simply losing weight isn’t going to fix the issues you’re experiencing with dating. 

Any man who invalidates your feelings and tells you that something that bothers you “isn’t a big deal” and to “stop overreacting” isn’t going to make a good husband.

Our advice is to immediately dump the man you’re currently seeing. You are only wasting your and his time by continuing along unhappily. It’s clear that you’re not attracted to him, and even more so, your values and goals in life are not aligned whatsoever. Any man who invalidates your feelings and tells you that something that bothers you “isn’t a big deal” and to “stop overreacting” isn’t going to make a good husband (or even a good friend). In taking this time to be single again, you should strive to grow in virtue as much as possible before putting yourself back out there. Pick up some hobbies that you’ve always loved to do. Volunteer with others. Create a solid skincare and makeup routine. This should be your glow up era. And if your weight is a source of insecurity for you and is leading you to settle for men who aren’t worthy partners, it’s time to get healthy – not for others' sake but for your own. You’ll feel more confident in your own skin and won’t be willing to settle for less than what you genuinely deserve. Confidence and self-respect are attractive. You may have been a late bloomer in the dating sphere, but you’re only 23! You will have plenty of chances to get more experience dating and learning what you like and don’t like to find your future partner. You can’t do that, however, if you’re wasting your precious nights and weekends with a man who you already know isn’t right for you. 

Dump him, work on yourself, revamp your dating profile, or ask some friends to set you up, and get back out there. Don’t pressure yourself into seriously dating the first man who looks your way – there’s no rush! First dates are going to be awkward and probably a bit uncomfortable at first, but take your time to get some more experience under your belt. Look for the red flags and warning signs from the men you dated who have cheated in the past, and stop accepting that behavior. By finding out what is causing you to settle for men who cheat on you and treat you poorly and focusing on leveling up yourself, your dating pool is going to improve, no question. 

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