Why Are So Many Women Proposing To Men?

We don’t observe this inclination in days past, or in any of our treasured childhood fairytales or rom-coms (unless you’re Amy Adams in Leap Year, and look how that ended), so where did it even come from? Why are so many women proposing to men?

Marriage Proposals: A Brief History

Have you ever heard the phrase “a diamond is forever”? This slogan, coined by De Beers Diamond Jewelry in the mid-20th century, is why we even have proposals with diamond engagement rings in the first place, though jewelry may have been exchanged previously to seal the deal, as it were. Exchanging a token of your affection and a promise of commitment is said to go back to caveman days.

Our knowledge about the history of marriage proposals is diverse because it varies so much from culture to culture. Arranged marriages, organized by the couple’s parents and without much say from the bride and groom themselves, were once the norm and still are in some places. It seems that marrying for love wasn’t really thought of until much later, though the financial aspect of the deal was still central to the relationship for many. Thereafter, it seems that the gold standard was for the prospective groom to ask the blessing or permission from his bride-to-be’s parents, though many would call this misogynistic today.

For most of us, a proposal is the best day of our lives. It’s the question we’ve been waiting for and a day we’ve dreamt of as little girls, but nowadays it seems like proposals have less and less to do with romanticism and more to do with spectacle and show. Most of us know that your proposal story is one you’ll tell over and over again, even to your children, but there seems to be a commercialization of it now, as if we’re thinking more of an Instagrammable moment rather than saying yes to the person we love most in this world. With so much pomp and circumstance around a couple’s engagement, it’s safe to say we’ve come a long, long way from Mr. Darcy quietly asking Mr. Bennett’s permission to marry Elizabeth, compared to what we see now on social media from our friends and acquaintances. 

Exchanging a token of your affection and a promise of commitment is said to go back to caveman days.

Is Marriage an Equal Partnership?

A rise in women proposing to men might stem from feminism, and here’s why that isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Third-wave feminism’s goal has been the supposed equality of the sexes, so why shouldn’t marriage (if it’s even considered at all) also be treated as an outdated vehicle of power and control that desperately needs a makeover? By its very nature, marriage is about partnership, but it isn’t necessarily about equality. Marriage is very rarely an equal effort, or a 50/50 split between husband and wife. More often, it’s 30/70 or even sometimes 10/90. The great thing about this though is that when you’ve put in a majority of the effort, you can always count on and trust your spouse to pick up the slack next time you fall behind (and if you can’t, you might have placed your trust in an incompatible mate). It’s when we decide to keep score about these things that we drive ourselves crazy and harm our relationship.

A relevant case in point: Many on Twitter and Instagram have been pointing out the toxicity of an account called @momlife_comics, run by a graphic designer. At first glance what starts out as awkward and very pointed jabs at the artist’s husband manifests into full on resentment, which has been rightly pointed out by those on social media.

Anyone looking at the very public laundry list of grievances this artist has aired against her husband would think marriage is the worst thing that ever happened to her. For her, it looks like it isn’t just about being frustrated or tired from being a mom (which all of us have experienced), it’s about pointing out that she carried more groceries than him, or cares more for their children, etc. Her disillusionment and frustration probably originated in thinking that marriage and parenthood would be an equal split between her husband and herself. But it isn’t, and understandably her disappointment has yielded a persistently negative mindset which is evident from viewing her posts or drawings.

Any woman considering proposing to her man likely has this same thought as well. If their marriage starts off on an “equal” footing, it’s sure to stay that way, right? What you can’t account for though is all the curveballs your relationship will be thrown which will make this next to impossible. Your husband might always take the trash out before going to work, but what about the days he’s late, in a rush, or sick? You might always be responsible for the laundry, but what about picking the kids up or doing the dishes? Comparison in your marriage is a fruitful breeding ground for resentment, and though it’s hard not to, any individual will be much happier letting the little things slide and asking for help when they need it.

We Don’t Trust Men Anymore

There’s another possible reason for this uptick in women making the big gesture, but once again, feminism is also responsible. In a culture which constantly reiterates how useless and disposable men are (specifically strong, masculine men), why would we ever trust our man to make a decision as big as proposing to us? What’s more, with this way of thinking present at every turn, why would our boyfriends and potential husbands be encouraged to propose to us in the first place?

Marriage is about partnership, but it isn’t necessarily about equality. 

Feminism has thoroughly and effectively decimated the male gender. Feminism affirms that women can and should do anything men can do, and proposing marriage – a distinctly time-honored male tradition – is no exception. If we’re motivated to propose because our boyfriend is dragging his feet and failing to commit, then we have bigger issues that a proposal, however planned or romantic, probably won’t solve. 

If we don’t trust our potential spouse to lead or to do something as fundamental as make a commitment, we probably will have difficulty trusting him with the household finances or even how to adequately raise kids, if it comes to it. Celebrities from Judge Judy to Britney Spears to Elizabeth Warren have proposed to their husband, but before we plan anything, taking stock of why we’d need to ask in the first place should be considered. 

Closing Thoughts

An article from The Atlantic laments that women “rarely” propose to men, even though there has been an uptick in female proposals. For better or worse, depending on how we see it, some norms still retain their gendered essentialism, however hard we try to disconnect the two. Proposing has been an innately male custom since we can remember, as men leading not only their marriages but also their families has been the standard. But that custom is weakening, and while we know how a negative view of masculinity has impacted society, only time will tell if this new practice will follow the same way.

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