What Is “Princess Treatment”? We Asked An Etiquette Expert To Weigh In

Inspired by a few couples who shared their own take on the trend, I posted our version. But soon after, I discovered messaging from popular creators like Courtney Palmer that gave me pause. That’s when I realized: much of what’s being described as “princess treatment” isn’t etiquette, tradition, or even historically royal. 

The Viral Trend That's Redefining Femininity, For Better or Worse

The most hyperbolic social media version of “princess treatment” usually includes letting your partner lead, not making eye contact with restaurant staff, not opening your own doors, and only conversing with your husband in public. In one now-viral video, Courtney Palmer describes how she avoids eye contact with the hostess, doesn’t place her own order, and prefers that her husband speak on her behalf when out to dinner. She goes so far as to say that he even ties her shoes to help her remain in her feminine energy.

The concept of princess treatment suddenly looked less like a celebration of chivalry and more like a stylized form of submission.

To some, it sounds romantic and aspirational. To others, it’s concerning. And while Palmer later clarified that she does enjoy talking with servers and connecting with people, her original messaging struck a chord, and not in a good way. The concept of princess treatment suddenly looked less like a celebration of chivalry and more like a stylized form of submission.

Why So Many Women Are Divided on This

Reactions to this trend have been intense because it touches on much more than dinner dates; it pulls at deeper tensions about gender roles, agency, and identity. It arrives in the cultural context of the “trad wife” resurgence, where women share videos of homemaking, domesticity, and hyper-traditional femininity. Some of these videos feel grounded and warm. Others feel like aestheticized erasure.

There’s nothing wrong with embracing femininity. But the suggestion, explicit or implied, that a woman should be invisible in public spaces is what raises concern.

Real Princesses Don’t Stay Silent

Here’s where the royal comparison falls apart: real princesses are not, and have not been, passive or withdrawn. They’re expected to represent their families, their countries, and their values—gracefully, warmly, and often in front of crowds.

Princess Diana was beloved not just for her elegance, but for her human touch. She made eye contact. She hugged children. She greeted and thanked servers. Princess Grace of Monaco was trained in elegance, yes, but also in public speaking, diplomacy, and gracious interaction with everyone from heads of state to local workers. Princess Kate is known for her confident small talk and warm engagement with children, guests, and hospitality staff at every event.

These women didn’t whisper their order to their husbands. They didn’t withhold eye contact. They led with poise, visibility, and an ability to make others feel seen. Being royal has never meant being invisible. It means embodying the kind of grace that draws others in, not shuts them out.

What Classic Etiquette Actually Teaches Us

Many of the behaviors seen in modern “princess treatment” videos aren’t rooted in etiquette, they actually contradict it. Foundational etiquette authorities from a more traditional time encouraged the opposite.

Emily Post, the matriarch of American manners, wrote that etiquette is “the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor.” She championed treating everyone, from your dinner companion to the person serving your meal, with equal dignity.

Amy Vanderbilt, another etiquette expert, believed that true refinement required attentiveness and kindness toward all people, not just those seated at your table. She described polite conversation with servers as not only proper, but necessary.

Jackie Kennedy, often held up as the image of classic feminine elegance, didn’t just smile quietly in the background. She was a cultural force who charmed heads of state, navigated press conferences with polish, and was widely admired for her intellect and warmth, not her silence.

As for the idea that men should always order for women, it was once considered a chivalrous gesture, but even then, it was based on a prior conversation. The man would typically relay her choice as a formality, not because she couldn’t speak for herself. Avoiding basic interactions altogether, and only making eye contact or conversing with your husband, would have been considered impolite and inconsiderate, even in the most formal of circles.

Letting Him Lead Doesn’t Mean Disappearing

I absolutely believe in the beauty of masculine and feminine dynamics in relationships. I love being cherished and protected by my husband. But I also believe in being present, articulate, and fully engaged in the world around me.

You don’t have to choose between being led and being vibrant.

You don’t have to choose between being led and being vibrant. The two can coexist. In fact, I’d argue that the mark of a confident man is one who never feels outshined by his wife—who celebrates her strength, her voice, and her presence in the room. That’s not a threat to his masculinity, it’s the deepest confirmation of it.

True Grace Isn’t Necessarily Quiet, It’s Confident

This isn’t about calling anyone out. Every couple has their own rhythm and rituals. And femininity can express itself in countless beautiful ways. But if we’re going to talk about royalty, elegance, and etiquette, we owe it to ourselves to get the history right.

Grace has never been about silence. Chivalry has never been about control. And real partnership, the kind that feels both romantic and respectful, allows space for both people to shine.

If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com.

Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”