How To Talk About Manners With Your Boyfriend (Without Nagging)

These disagreements are rarely about “rules” alone. They are really about values, respect, and how two people with different upbringings learn to meet in the middle. In this article, I’m answering your real questions about dating and etiquette, because sometimes love is less about knowing which fork to use and more about figuring out how to use kindness when your partner does things differently.

Q: My boyfriend is late to just about everything. I was raised to believe being on time is a way of showing respect. How do I talk to him about it without sounding like I’m his mother or disciplining him somehow?

A: You’re right. Punctuality is more than just a clock issue; it’s about care. The key is framing it that way. Instead of saying, “You’re always late,” try, “It means a lot to me when you’re on time because it makes me feel valued.” That shifts the conversation from a list of offenses to an expression of what helps you feel loved. 

You also don’t want to sound like you’re ganging up on him, but because you love him, it may help to point out that punctuality isn’t just your personal quirk. Many people view being late as thoughtless or disorganized, even if he simply sees himself as easygoing. A gentle conversation about how others may interpret his timing keeps it from being about “rules” and turns it into a bigger conversation about thoughtfulness. And you can meet him halfway. Maybe agree that casual hangouts can be looser, but dates, family gatherings, or events with friends are worth prioritizing. Etiquette, after all, is about respect, and respect starts with listening to each other’s needs.

Q: My fiancé loves his baseball cap and flip-flops, and honestly, I don’t mind most of the time. But when we go somewhere nice, I wish he’d dress up a little more. Is there a sweet way to ask without hurting his feelings?

A: This is one of those little things that feels bigger than it looks. You’re not trying to change him. You just want both of you to match the occasion. You also may see not wearing a hat as a sign of respect for himself, the occasion, and others, but your fiancé, may just see it as annoying and unnecessary. 

The trick is to frame it as excitement, not critique. Instead of, “Don’t wear that,” try, “I’m really looking forward to tonight, and it would mean a lot to me if we both dressed up for it.”

Sometimes explaining the “why” makes all the difference. You can say, “It makes me feel proud when we show up looking like we’ve put in a little effort.” And if you pair the request with a compliment like “You look so handsome in that button-down,” he may be more likely to want to rise to the occasion. A little encouragement generally goes much further than a lecture.

Q: I know how important my fiancé’s work is—honestly, it’s what helps support us. But sometimes when we eat together, he’s glued to his phone, working through dinner, and I feel like I’m just sitting there silently while he scrolls. How do I bring it up without seeming ungrateful?

A: This is such a tender one, because you’re not upset about the work itself; you’re missing the connection. The best way to approach it is with gratitude first: “I’m so thankful for how hard you work for us.” Then share your heart: “But when we’re at dinner and you’re on your phone, I feel a little invisible. I’d love even twenty minutes of no-phone time together.”

That way, you’re not dismissing his responsibilities, but you’re still naming how it feels. Often, what we crave isn’t a full technology overhaul. It’s a short pocket of undivided attention that says, “You matter to me.” Framing it as “I miss you” instead of “You’re being rude” keeps the conversation loving and constructive.

Q: Our families couldn’t be more different. Mine dresses up for Thanksgiving like it’s a holiday movie, and his shows up in sweatshirts. How do I get him on board with my family’s traditions without making him feel uncomfortable?

A: Holiday traditions can feel so personal, especially when you grew up with a certain rhythm. The key is to invite him into yours, not shame him out of his. A gentle way to put it might be: “In my family, dressing up is part of how we make the day feel special. It would mean a lot to me if you joined in.” That makes it less about clothes and more about shared meaning.

You can also make it easier for him by offering suggestions or even picking out something together so he knows exactly what will fit in. And don’t forget the power of compromise. Maybe this year he puts on the blazer for your family’s table, and next year you spend a holiday with his side in cozy sweatshirts. Part of building a life together is blending traditions and also creating your own.

Q: I love bringing my boyfriend to work events, but he hates it. He finds a lot of my colleagues dismissive, rude, and boring, and I see his point. Should I keep inviting him or just let it go?

A: First, it's important to acknowledge his feelings. If he walks away from those events feeling dismissed, that matters. It's also okay to share why it's meaningful to you: “It makes me feel supported when you are by my side, even if it's not your favorite thing.”

From there, strike a balance. Instead of asking him to come to every cocktail hour or networking mixer, identify the events that matter most such as the annual holiday party or a big gala, and let the smaller ones go. That way he knows when his presence truly counts, and you don't feel like you're dragging him into situations that leave him uncomfortable.

And if someone is rude to him, step in with subtlety. You might loop him in by saying, “What do you think, [his name]?” or bring up a shared story the two of you can both add to. It's less about making a big scene and more about quietly showing that you're on his side. Those little moments of advocacy can make the whole experience easier for him.

Remember, support in a relationship is not about showing up to everything. It's about showing up for each other when it really matters.

Ultimately, etiquette disagreements in relationships are less about who is “right” and more about how you choose to handle them together. A little grace, a little humor, and a lot of listening can turn small frustrations into opportunities for deeper understanding. And remember, the goal is not perfect table manners or flawless timing; it's building a partnership where both people feel respected. 

If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com.

Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”