Ask Evie: My Boyfriend And I Are At An Impasse About Birth Control And I Don’t Know If This Is A Deal-Breaker For Me
Welcome to Ask Evie, our advice column. Readers can submit their questions, and our editors will dish out their best advice!
READER’S QUESTION: “I've been reading your publication for a long while at this point, and you're the only women's magazine I feel like I can trust. I've seen your advice column, and I think you give a lot of great insight on many issues, so I have some advice I need from you for myself.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over three years, and everything has been great. He's been an incredibly wonderful boyfriend, and we've been under the impression that we would get married in the near future. However, we've run into a big problem: I've been on birth control for a little over two years after we've been sleeping with each other to prevent pregnancy, but after doing a lot of research about the horrors of birth control and reading all the articles you guys have talked about, I no longer want to be on it. I told him about this, and he didn't take it too well. Of course, he told me it was my decision if I wanted to continue or not, but he doesn't want to use a condom because he "hates how it feels." I told him about an app that tracks your ovulation cycle by inputting your basal body temperature daily and that we could try it out, but he doesn't trust it all. So he said we wouldn't be able to have sex nearly as often, and he even said that if I were to get pregnant by mistake, before he decides he wants to have a baby, either I would have to get an abortion or we would have to break up. I have a huge issue with this because I'm not at all willing to get an abortion, but I also would never want to be a single mom. I'm really struggling to figure out how I should go about this situation because I truly do love him and he’s been nothing but an incredible boyfriend to me, but this conversation has made me second-guess our future together.”
EVIE’S ANSWER: Okay, so what we’re hearing is that your boyfriend wants unlimited sex, without consequences, on his terms, period. Honestly, girl, that doesn’t sound like an incredible boyfriend to us!
Your current dilemma is highlighting the fact that the two of you are not truly aligned in some key areas, like how to family plan in a way that respects both of your needs and on the value of children, in and out of the womb. These are two very important topics, and we strongly encourage you to assess if disagreeing in these areas is a deal-breaker for you, as painful as that may be. Here’s why: This issue won’t disappear after marriage. What happens if you get married and you’re ready to have a baby, but he isn’t? Potentially the same situation. What happens if you have a baby and then get unexpectedly pregnant with the second and he feels like he isn’t ready for another kid? Potentially the same situation. Do you really want to spend the rest of your childbearing years fighting with him about this, or being manipulated into having an abortion you don’t want because he’s threatening to abandon you and any children you may have? All forms of birth control – even the pill – can fail, so no matter which method you end up using, there is always a small chance of an unexpected pregnancy.
The bottom line here is that marriage and children take maturity and selflessness from both the husband and the wife. Marriage and children will stretch you and make you grow in every aspect of your life. But, you will only have a healthy, happy marriage and family life if both you and your boyfriend are on the same page and both of you are willing to put in the sacrificial love, generosity, compromise, and hard work that it takes (because, trust us, it’s so worth it!). Otherwise, everyone ends up miserable and hurt, and who wants to spend their life like that?
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