Ask Evie: I’ve Lost 100lbs Over The Past Year And I Need Help Navigating The Dating World Again

READER’S QUESTION: “Over the past year, I have lost 100 pounds and gone from a size 20/22 to a size 10, purely through diet and exercise (no meds or surgery). I am 5'10", currently about 26% body fat. I still have a bit further to go, but fitness is now a big part of my life, and I am very proactive about tracking calories and workouts. I haven't had sugar since July 2022 and am still relatively low carb (no bread, pasta, etc.). Most significantly, I have done a lot of prayer/journaling exercises working through some of the shaming and emotional issues that were keeping me trapped in a binge eating yoyo cycle. Everyone who knows me says I seem happier and more vibrant and more confident.

I started online dating at the 85 pound weight loss mark but updated my profile pics a couple weeks ago. Even updating after a 15 pound weight loss, it's remarkable how much more interest I receive. I am trying to process everything psychologically and would appreciate input: 

1. It's hard to take a guy seriously when he compliments my appearance on a date. I still am fixated on the places I am still working on (upper arm jiggle, thighs/butt, etc.). It's hard to feel like someone is sincere.

2. How do I trust that someone is into more than just my body? It's hard not to be cynical about men being shallow, although I get that being mad at millions of years of evolutionary biology isn't very productive.

3. I am still pretty neurotic about ordering food and usually give a disclaimer that I am probably going to sound a little weird about stuff on the side, substitutes, etc. I try not to go full on Sally in When Harry Met Sally, but I know being high maintenance is a turn-off. This makes me nervous. And I turn down stuff like getting ice cream as we walk back from dinner. 

4. How soon is it okay to go into more detail about my journey? I know that kind of history is a big red flag for many guys because of the probability of regain, but I am also really proud of what I have accomplished and feel like the past year has shaped me in ways far beyond the physical. But I tend not to go there.”

EVIE’S ADVICE: First of all, congratulations on such a massive achievement! You should be so proud of your success. That speaks volumes about your character, your discipline, and your commitment to your health.

It’s a fairly normal feminine experience – regardless of weight – for women to have a hard time accepting and believing compliments. We all have at least one part of our body that we don’t like, and we often have a hard time allowing someone else’s positive words to get past that wall of dislike we’ve built up. But humans are also pretty good at judging someone’s sincerity. If a random woman in the grocery store passed you and said, “You look so pretty in that color!” you would be flattered – she had no reason to go out of her way to say that to you unless it were true. But in the context of a date, we can understand you wondering if the guy is just saying it because it’s what you say on a date, or if it’s true. Most likely, it’s true! He’s not getting anything out of lying about it. We might not want to accept it because of our own internal narratives or dislike, but that’s separate from his sincerity. However, sometimes it takes us getting to know someone and hearing these positive comments repeatedly over time to allow ourselves to accept them as true and believe them.

This ties into your second concern. Yes, it’s largely true that men are initially more attracted to your physical appearance. That’s usually the aspect that first catches their eye. But a high value man will be interested in more than just your outward beauty. You can figure out if a man is just interested in your body or in all of you over time. This part does take some time and investment, but if you are intentional about getting to know each other and if you uphold sexual boundaries and discipline, you will find out fairly quickly if he’s just interested in sex or if he’s interested in you.

Don’t characterize your health journey as a red flag in your mind, but rather as a triumph and proof that you are an incredibly strong-willed, disciplined person.

In terms of ordering food that is suitable for you, there is always a way to be charming, cute, and funny about your quirks. Don't own it as something high-maintenance. If you're not high-maintenance, you don't need to try to prove that you're not. A guy who really likes you for who you are isn't going to be fixated on the way you order food at a restaurant. He may even find it attractive that you know what you want and that you’re not afraid to outright ask for it (in a polite way, of course). And if you’re skipping out on ice cream or dessert during a date, he might admire your discipline and commitment to achieving your goals, especially if you’ve discussed your health journey with him. 

If you’re worried about these things not aligning with the man you’re out with though, maybe that’s your cue to seek out a man who has similar interests as you and is committed to bettering (or maintaining) his own health. You can add a line or two about health being a priority for you or the types of workouts you enjoy in your dating profile to attract this kind of man, or you may even meet him out in the wild if you’re making yourself available during fitness classes/at the gym, or even engaging in some back and forth on a group Facebook page dedicated to your specific diet or lifestyle. 

And lastly, you'll know in your heart when it's a good time to share more of your story. Don’t characterize it as a red flag in your mind (because then it will come off as a red flag when you talk about it with him), but rather as a triumph and proof that you are an incredibly strong-willed, disciplined person who has achieved something that very few people on earth have been able to do. Believe that in your mind, and it will come through in your words.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.