Ask Evie: I Want To Get Married But My Long-Term Boyfriend Wants To Live Together First. What Should I Do?

READER’S QUESTION: “I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. Things are going amazing, and I couldn't be happier. The only problem is he doesn't want to get married until we live together first. I understand why he would feel this way, given he's been married once before. I've tried to be sensitive to his past experience, and I don’t want to pressure him, but we know we love each other, so why wait any longer? Not just that, but in today's economy, it would be hard for us to find a place of our own that we could reasonably afford. (We both live with our parents.) I love him, and I want to (officially) start our lives together. Not sure what to do."

EVIE’S ADVICE: Frankly, it sounds like your boyfriend hasn't sufficiently dealt with and healed from the experience of his first marriage and divorce. That kind of experience can make someone question and/or change how they think about women, about commitment, and about marriage. Does he think that all women (including you, unfortunately) will hurt him at some point? Is he hesitant to bind himself in a commitment intended to last until death to another person after his failed marriage? Does he think commitment and working through relationship issues are too hard or painful, and it's easier to just have the back door open moving forward? It seems like he’s still trying to protect himself and play it safe – which is not beneficial for entering into any long-term committed relationship, but especially marriage. Ultimately, it sounds like you two are in two very different places with respect to your relationship: You're confident and hopeful and ready to make it work. He's scared and holding back. It's extremely hard, if not impossible, to have a healthy long-term relationship when you have such different mindsets.

Alternatively, he may just think (like most of mainstream culture) that living together first is the “smart” thing to do, like a “test drive.” If that’s the case, then you should encourage him to look at the stats and data on couples who cohabitate first and how that negatively impacts their relationship satisfaction, as well as their relationship success. There's also the common sense question: If we know we love each other and want to spend our lives together, why wouldn't we get married?

It seems like he’s still trying to protect himself, which isn’t beneficial for entering into any long-term relationship. 

Before either of you make the decision, keep in mind that couples have a higher chance of getting divorced if they live together before they get married. Cohabitation and marriage result in two very different experiences, and statistics show that couples who cohabitate are even more likely to experience infidelity. Living together before marriage may be the popular thing in our society, but it comes with many risks and a higher likelihood of splitting up in the long run.

As far as the money part goes, if the two of you are willing to put in the work and make some compromises, you could find the means to pay for a place of your own. People still got married and started their lives together during the Great Depression. But, that being said, it takes two very committed people who are 100% on the same page about what they want to make it happen. If he feels comfortable living with his parents and isn’t intent on moving forward and onto the next step with you, that could be a red flag that’s worth paying attention to.

As difficult as this may be to hear, he could be using the excuse of wanting to live together first to delay getting married to you. Since it has already been three years, consider how much longer you’re realistically willing to wait for him and have an open and honest conversation with him about your future. We’re not indicating that you give him an ultimatum in some manipulative way, but it’s fair for you to think critically about your situation and determine whether or not you’re willing to go along with his timeline. If he feels this way now and nothing has changed in a few more years, for example, will you be willing to let the relationship go and start anew? If you’re wanting to have kids in the future, you have to consider your internal clock (as much as society wants us to ignore this fact), and if you’re a woman of tradition, that probably means you want to get engaged, enjoy the engagement and planning period for a year, get married, and then have children once you settle into married life. These things all take time, and, although we don’t know how old you are currently, it’s worth considering these facts when it comes to your relationship and plans for the future. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.