Ask Evie: How Do I Navigate Talking To A Recently Divorced Guy?

READER’S QUESTION: “Is there something about how to navigate when you’re talking to a recently separated/divorced guy? My sister likes him, and thinks he likes her back! What does the pace look like? How to be forward but not too much, those kinds of things!"

EVIE’S ADVICE: First and foremost, there is a huge difference between recently separated and divorced, so our advice is different for the two situations. If he is recently separated, we wouldn’t advise getting involved with him at all. If she “thinks” he likes her back, it’s likely that he’s just in the stage of exploring options outside his marriage and could very well be giving mixed signals to several women without even realizing it. It’s also likely that he still has unresolved feelings for the wife he is separated from as the split is so fresh. In the case of separations, there is still a possibility of the two of them resolving their issues through marriage counseling or realizing that they aren’t truly happy being apart and could get back together. She doesn’t want to be in the middle of that as it can get really messy really quickly (especially if kids are involved). It’s also possible that he’s just going through marriage struggles and is telling her that he is “separated” because he wants to pursue a relationship with her (maybe sexual, maybe emotional, maybe both) without the honest intention of ending things with his wife at all. In any case, until he is officially divorced, we wouldn’t recommend getting involved with him. 

On the other hand, if he is actually divorced and the marriage is clearly over, we would still advise her to move slowly. He likely has a lot to process and heal from his first relationship and his divorce, and any future relationship he has will only be healthy if he has done that work. She doesn't want to be in a rebound relationship or become his coping mechanism. Be prepared for a variety of emotions from him toward his ex-wife, especially if kids are involved. Listen carefully to how he talks about his first relationship, his ex-wife, and why/how the divorce happened. It’s likely that both sides carry some blame (although one person may have damaged the relationship more significantly than the other), and she doesn’t want to blind herself to his behaviors, choices, or attitudes that contributed to the dissolution of his first marriage. If he’s aware of his part and seems remorseful or convicted to change, that’s a positive sign of maturity and growth in this situation. (Or it’s manipulation…the only way to know is to stay objective, observant, and get to know him better. Hence why moving slowly is the most prudent option here.)

Don’t blind yourself to his behaviors, choices, or attitudes that contributed to the dissolution of his first marriage.

If kids are involved, be ready to be flexible and understanding. Don’t try to step in as a mother figure to his kids as they will likely feel as if you’re pushing their mom out or blame their parents’ divorce on you. Co-parenting is its own set of skills. Whether or not a relationship with him works out, if you’ve met his kids, they can get emotionally involved – whether for you or against you.

All in all, our advice is to get to the bottom of what his status really is: Is he recently separated, or is he divorced? If she chooses to pursue a relationship with him, she should tread carefully, keep an eye out for any red flags, and move very slowly. There are a lot of factors to consider, and she should make sure to protect her heart.  

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.