Ask Evie: My Boyfriend And I Are Planning On Moving In Together, But He Insists We Get A Roommate. Is That A Terrible Idea?

READER’S QUESTION: “My boyfriend and I have decided recently that we feel the time is right for us to move in together. We have a solid relationship where we can be honest with one another and respectful during disagreements, and we are always making one another laugh even when we’re sad/mad. He’s definitely ‘my person.’ We both take the decision of moving in together seriously and feel confident that this is the ‘end-all-be-all’ relationship for us.

We currently have plans to move into a small cottage being built on my parents’ property where we would pay a small amount of rent and would be able to save money to eventually build a house, but this cottage won’t be finished for probably another year. So in the meantime, we figured we’d go ahead and find a place to move in together while we wait for the cottage to be finished. We have the option of finding a small one-bedroom apartment, but my boyfriend is very against this as he’s been living in apartments for basically all of his 20s now and would much prefer to find a house to live in instead. I completely understand this perspective, but the only way we could afford a house at this time is if his current roommate moved in with us, since I only have a part-time job and will be going to grad school soon, and my boyfriend is still in the early stages of his career as well. The idea of starting our time living together with a third person there (who is not the cleanest person, I might add) makes me slightly nervous. My boyfriend is understanding of my concerns and says he would be the one to make sure his friend keeps things tidy and would provide reminders every now and then, but I am still unsure about the notion of living with a third person when we are just starting our ‘living together journey.’

Do you think I am overthinking it? Is my boyfriend and I having a roommate the wrong decision for our first experience living together? Or is this a normal thing that lots of couples do in the early stages of their relationship to help save money in the meantime? Or, should we wait to move in together once the cottage is built, which could take a year or more to be completed? We would like to get engaged and married within the coming year/s as well, so I am keen on moving in with him soon. Please help!!"

EVIE’S ADVICE: While living with your boyfriend and a roommate could potentially work out and put you in a good financial position and give you the opportunity to rent a nice house, it also has a larger possibility of completely sabotaging your relationship. It would most likely turn into either his friend or you third-wheeling while eating dinner, watching TV, and planning activities on the weekends, which will inevitably lead to resentment and either a strained relationship or friendship. You may wind up feeling like you’re intruding on “guy time” because your boyfriend may spend a lot of his time playing video games with your roommate rather than acting as a couple that now lives together. It’s also likely to cause arguments due to cleanliness (especially since you already have concerns), paying bills, splitting groceries, and sharing household chores. All of those things are difficult enough when it’s just the two of you moving in together for the first time, but it will only be exacerbated by the fact that you have a third person now in the equation. If your boyfriend has a close relationship with his current roommate, he may take his side over yours when it comes to arguments or feel more comfortable continuing their way of living together rather than adjusting to your expectations and needs. 

Another thing to consider is that if your boyfriend winds up enjoying this way of living – essentially having his cake and eating it too (getting in his guy time in every day, living in a nice house, saving money, and gaining the benefits of you acting as a wife while “playing house”), why would he want to that to end? We could see this “short-term” living situation turning into a scenario that extends much longer than you’d like. If you’re living together and he is getting all of the benefits of having you act as more than a girlfriend to him, where is the incentive to propose and move on to the next phase of your life together? While playing house may sound cute and exciting right now, it could potentially lead to a later engagement or a less committed man. It sounds like you're both in agreement that this relationship is heading toward marriage, so think carefully about how your choices could impact the progression of it.

You need to be able to trust that he will choose you and your relationship over everything else.

All of this considered, our recommendation is to wait until marriage to move in together. It may sound old-fashioned, but the divorce rates are extremely low for those who choose this path, and married people take their relationship more seriously than cohabitating people. This will also prevent you from beginning your life together with a third wheel attached that could tarnish your experience, give you negative associations of living together, and lead to serious conflict. 

Men are typically exceedingly practical creatures and can sometimes overlook the more subtle things that women see. In this instance, it seems like your boyfriend would like to live with you in a house and has figured out the way to do it…with his messy roommate. If you’ve voiced the above-mentioned concerns to him, but he is still more interested in living in a house than living one on one with you in an apartment, that’s a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored. When you choose to spend the rest of your life with someone, there are going to be compromises – some big, some small, and oftentimes financially related – that will come up, and you need to trust that your husband will choose you and your relationship over everything else.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.