Why I Ditched Gentle Parenting—Over A Cup Of Hot Cocoa

Instagram, Facebook, and random articles seemed to agree: to have a strong emotional connection, you needed to carefully consider every emotion your child expressed. Conversely, to teach them to suppress any emotion would be traumatizing. Above all, the parent must remain emotionally stable and available at all times. This method was called “gentle parenting”. 

The promised outcome was appealing enough, and the not-so-subtle threats of traumatizing my child were frightening enough, that I pushed away my misgivings and tried some of these approaches. One of my first opportunities arose quickly, as it does with two-year-olds. I had bought my toddler a hot chocolate at the local coffee shop and headed to the park. She asked for apple juice, which they had been out of. When I explained what happened and gave her hot cocoa instead, she erupted angrily. 

Parenting is a relationship, not a technique.

Normally, I would have resisted the urge to dump the hot cocoa out and instead explained that I couldn’t change it. She would stay in her seat until she calmed down, or we would go home. That was the old, unenlightened version of me. Instead, I recalled gentle parenting phrases and tried deep “dragon breaths” (she ignored me), asked how she was feeling (another seat kick), and said I could see she was angry and disappointed (she screamed louder). After my fifth plea that she talk about how she felt, she gasped, “STOP ASKING HOW I FEEL!”

It was a wake-up call. I stopped the pre-scripted phrases and changed to what I knew was right for me and her. “You’re right,” I said firmly. “I got you hot cocoa because they didn’t have apple juice. Sometimes, things don’t go as we plan, and we have to choose to be happy anyway. You got hot cocoa, and you will not continue to scream about it. We are going to enjoy it and have fun. Do you understand?” Relief flooded her eyes, and she nodded. 

That moment was a turning point. It reminded me that parenting is a relationship, not a technique. 

The Gentle Parenting Script: Soothing Words, Silent Parents 

Gentle parenting is prevalent but ambiguous. For the sake of discussion, I would define social-media gentle parenting as a child-centric method that includes:

1. A focus on examining and validating a child’s emotions,

2. Deference to the child’s preferences,

3. And, a heavy reliance on therapeutic phrases to do so.

The primary goal is to raise emotionally intelligent children rather than the traditional objective of teaching them to be respectful, hard-working members of society. 

Social media gentle parenting is rigid with its one-size-fits-all methodology. This therapeutic approach proceeds from a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature and does a poor job of teaching kids to handle negative emotions. It weakens parents' confidence in themselves, their unique family culture, and their instincts. 

If you can’t get on board with validating emotions at the cost of training and correction, you’re not alone. If social media influencers were right and gentle parenting were best, we’d memorize the script, validate the outbursts, and sit quietly through the screaming. But thankfully, our gut was right. It’s not. And there's a better way.

The Fundamental Misunderstanding of Human Nature

Contrary to gentle parenting’s understanding of children, people are naturally selfish, motivated by consequences, and must be taught to think of others. Children are not blank slates. They are born with a will of their own, and part of parenting is shaping that will toward virtue. 

A problem with many representations of gentle parenting is its individualism. The gently parented child’s needs are often elevated above others’. To avoid forcing the child to take turns (which would be too authoritative), other children must accept an injustice. In order for the gently parented child not to be required to say “please,” “thank you,” or “sorry” (which would be forcing kids to express inauthentic sentiments), others must accept demands instead of requests and wait to see if the child wants to express gratitude or remorse. The premise is for kids to focus on their own desires and emotions, which inevitably comes at the cost of others. 

An adverse effect of this could be alienation. An Instagram parenting account run by self-proclaimed “Toddler Experts” with 3.5 million followers suggests that if a child develops a delight for shouting profanity, parents should neither correct the behavior nor give consequences. Meanwhile, other parents and children are supposed to wait until Johnny decides to stop swearing at them. I wonder about the long-term effects of this untrained child’s behavior alienating others—fewer playdates, fewer birthday invitations, and fewer chances to learn to be a part of a community.

When Every Feeling Gets a Microphone

Despite claims that it raises emotionally stable children, gentle parenting does a poor job of teaching kids to handle negative experiences and emotions. Not every feeling needs a platform—or a performance. Sometimes, what a child needs most from their parent is a way forward. As psychologist Diana Baumrind states, “The authoritative parent attempts to direct the child’s activities but in a rational, issue-oriented manner.” Gentle parenting discourages teaching children to be resilient and to understand when emotional suppression is necessary. Social media’s gentle parenting treats children as fragile beings—true for trauma cases, but not for most children. Suppressing excessive or illogical negative feelings isn’t emotional repression, it’s maturity. 

The Rigidity of Gentle Parenting

Spend time at any playground, and you’re likely to hear phrases previously only heard in therapy, like, “I think we are having some big emotions right now,” or “I see that you’re feeling frustrated. Is that why you threw sand in Timmy’s eyes?” Will a generation of children grow up hearing only scripted responses instead of authentic emotion or candid speech from their parents? Will parents have a quiet frustration towards their children because they felt they lacked authority, as if their hands were tied by their chosen parenting method? 

A common thread I’ve noticed is that it is usually mothers who buy heavily into gentle parenting, while dads are often “trained” to interact with their children in a way that conforms accordingly. Abigail Shrier has noticed the same trend, and states in her bestseller, Bad Therapy, “Most dads have been told explicitly—or made to feel—that the approach their own fathers took was wrong and their native instincts, no guide.” Mothers, too, are often faced with the impossible task of catering indiscriminately to their child’s desires and emotions without regard to their own boundaries. As a Motherly article states, “In centering the child, gentle parenting often disregards the mother.” A parenting style shouldn’t minimize the involvement and instincts of one of the child’s most important sources of love and authority. Gentle parenting reduces parents’ confidence in their instincts, unique culture, and values of their family. 

I Tried the Method. I’m Keeping the Love, Not the Rules.

What I briefly tried following wasn’t just a few fun tips—it was a full parenting philosophy, which appears in its most extreme form on social media. While I relate to the desire gentle parenting taps into—a close relationship with my kids—I don’t believe it is the best way of achieving that goal. I’m not condemning every tool the gentle parenting trend offers. Some suggestions are simply good parenting, such as listening well, having one-on-one conversations, and connecting in calm, intentional moments.

But those practices long predate social media. The most helpful parts of gentle parenting have been adopted from time-tested parenting practices, while methods original to the trend are ineffective and, at times even harmful. After all, wonderful humans were raised throughout history long before a social media influencer turned on a ring light and decided to illuminate us with their pseudo-therapeutic phrases. There is nothing wrong with thoughtful advice online (I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise), but it must be weighed carefully. You can parent gently without following gentle parenting. 

You can parent gently without following gentle parenting. 

If you are a parent, I urge you to forgo the “styles.” Tune out the noise of Instagram influencers telling you that you’re never doing enough, you’re doing the wrong thing, or you’re messing up your kids with every minor misstep. Instead, ask yourself: What faith and values do I hope to pass on? What kind of adult do I want to raise? What kind of soul am I shaping? Look to those you respect, to family, and welcome your community to walk with you. Recognize your profound authority and influence over your children, and accept the task humbly. Then love and guide them firmly, consistently, and confidently.