TV Shows Are Conditioning Women To Accept Situationships. I Know, It Happened To Me

Who hasn’t heard, these days, of a tragic story where a woman waits around for a man for years to propose, only for him to turn around and propose to the next girl within a year? Or of a woman stuck in a situationship for years with it never going anywhere? Is it possible that shows that aired 30 years ago have influenced us to think that this behavior is normal?

Carrie and Big from Sex and the City

In Sex and the City, Carrie meets Mr. Big in the first season. It’s very clear in the beginning that he has no interest in dating her, let alone marrying her. But she never wavers, never loses any hope. Throughout the seasons, she cheats on her many boyfriends with Big, they break up his marriage together, and despite it all, Big is all too unwilling to commit to her. It even comes to a breaking point when he stands her up at their big New York City wedding, and yet she still takes him back at the end. The romanticization of this was deeply damaging to society because it programmed women to think that these types of relationships were not only normal, but they were aspirational. Unfortunately, since the release of this show and the recent repopularization among Gen Z, many think that Carrie and Big’s relationship dynamic is normal, and they end up making similar mistakes to Carrie in the show.

I remember all too well the day when the man I was in a situationship with, who had been stringing me along for months, told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Despite this, I foolishly thought that he would change his mind, that he was lying to himself. Six months later, I finally stopped listening to his words and looked at his actions and walked away. After three years, he was still saying that he wanted to be in a relationship with me, but he never followed through, very much like Big with Carrie.

Ross and Rachel from Friends

While Friends has lots of different dysfunctional relationships throughout its many seasons, the one that takes the cake is definitely Ross and Rachel. Just the very fact that Ross never even asks Rachel out, despite having a crush on her for over a decade, is a clear indication of how he truly feels about her. The very second that they take a break, he sleeps with another woman and then gaslights Rachel about it. In another episode, Ross makes a list comparing Rachel to his girlfriend Julie and proceeds to disparage her in the list. Ross is definitely not the type of man that anyone should go for, yet, since Friends aired, many men behave like him and women tolerate their behavior. Women are conditioned to think that men will want a committed relationship even after years of being in a situationship and no indication from the man that a relationship would ever happen.

One of my friends was in a situationship with a man for many years; he would go and see her while he was on a break with his current girlfriend. It was only once she got pregnant and he realized he would not be able to get anyone better that he decided to commit to her. Another one of my friends was in a toxic relationship with a man, hoping that he would change, even though he was caught cheating on her many times. She tolerated his terrible behavior in the hopes that he would change, but he never did.

Lorelai and Luke from Gilmore Girls

Lorelai and Luke from Gilmore Girls have been friends for years when the show begins, and Luke never shows serious interest in Lorelai. Lorelai is the one to propose to Luke after they have been dating for a while. After Luke calls off their wedding, he admits he never wanted to marry her and points out she was the one who proposed. Young women of our generation are constantly told that it’s okay to pursue men, ask them out, and sometimes even propose. It’s with this mindset that many women, including myself, fall into situationships, waiting for 10 years to get engaged, etc., because we are taught that men do not need to pursue women.

I know countless women, from friends to colleagues to family, who waited endlessly for a ring, only for it to never come. They were taught they needed to prove to their man they could be a good wife before the man would want to even consider marriage. These women are conditioned to think that, with time, the man will end up proposing and they will have their happily ever after.

The Normalization of Situationships and Hookup Culture

TV shows in the last 30 years have been seriously pushing ideas such as situationships, hookup culture, and waiting many years for a ring. While they are fiction, it’s inevitable that the ideas propagated on shows condition women to think differently when it comes to dating and relationships, both when these shows first aired and now when these shows are introduced to millennials and Gen Z through streaming. 

Over the decades, the effect these TV shows have had on dating is that situationships are increasingly normalized: women wait years for the man they like to take an interest in them and date them, some women wait many years for their boyfriend to propose, and many never receive any proposal at all.

Closing Thoughts

Following the warning cries of millennial and Gen Z women, more and more young women are starting to change their dating standards. When I was 21, I started to listen to relationship and feminine coaches such as @TheMorganMay and @EmpressCollective on TikTok, and it changed my outlook on relationships altogether. I went through two years of celibacy and worked on myself. Since then, I was able to attract a good man who pursued me, and I am now in a very happy relationship. Many of my friends too, who fell into the modern dating ideologies in their youth, changed their dating standards and are in happy relationships. Maybe it's time we reevaluate the shows we watch and seriously consider the impact these fictional characters are having on our very real lives.

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