How Much Should Your Family’s Opinion Of Your Boyfriend Matter?

After dating your boyfriend for a few months, you took the leap and introduced him to your family. You were a bit nervous, but you really liked him and felt like things were getting serious between you two. And you hoped your family would like him too. But let’s just say things did not go according to plan. 

It’s not even that your family was indifferent about him – they actively disliked him. And since their initial meeting, your mom has had multiple talks with you, trying to “get you to come to your senses,” your sister has been busy every time you try to set up a double date, or your dad has remained silent and stoic whenever you bring up your boyfriend.

But here’s the thing: You still really like your guy. And you’re incredibly hurt that your family would write him off so quickly. Even so, you’re torn – should your family’s opinions of him matter, even if you don’t totally understand their reservations? Or should you dismiss what they’re saying and tell yourself they just don’t get it?

Is Your Family’s Dynamic Unhealthy and/or Toxic?

You love your family (or maybe even that much is a struggle for you), but if you’re totally honest, they’re not the most healthy group of individuals. Whether your parents’ marriage and your relationship with them has always been rocky, there’s been a history of toxic dynamics, or your family never fostered any closeness and emotional intimacy with one another, you hardly have what would be considered a picture-perfect family.

While your family’s objections to your boyfriend will naturally upset you, if your family hasn’t given you good reason to trust their judgment in the past, it might be wise to take their disapproval of him with a grain of salt. After all, simply being your blood relatives doesn't make them healthy, trustworthy, or reasonable people. And if you’ve found a man who loves you well, you won’t want to let him go just to appease your family if they haven’t also loved you well.

Or Has Your Family Always Been Solid and Healthy?

On the other end of the spectrum is a family that’s always been healthy, lifegiving, and close-knit – the kind of family that definitely has a group text thread, happily spends every Christmas together, and can expect each other to offer celebration through the high points and love through the low points. Not unfailingly perfect, but good and loving and safe nonetheless.

If your family is good and loving and safe, it’s probably a good idea to at least listen to their concerns.

If this sounds like your family at all, it’s probably a good idea to at least listen to their concerns because your family has shown themselves to have your best interest at heart. They know you, love you, and want the best for you. With this in mind, it might be wise to hear them out, even if you feel like they’re wrong. Maybe they’ll come around, or maybe you’ll be glad you chose to listen to the people who’ve known you your whole life.

How Have They Felt About Other Guys You’ve Dated?

Think back over your past relationships – specifically, your family’s reaction to the guy you were dating at the time. Is there a theme you notice? Have they liked and disliked different guys? Or have they liked all of them so far? Or have they always disliked the guy you were seeing, no matter what?

If disliking your boyfriend has been a recurring theme, one of two things might be true: Maybe they tend to be unfairly judgmental, whether they see no guy as “good enough” or simply project negative intent where there is none. Or maybe you tend to choose guys who turn out to be no good. If they’ve never liked any of the guys you’ve introduced to them, it’s time to do some soul-searching. Honestly ask yourself why they’ve never had a positive reaction to a guy you’ve introduced to them. The problem could be with them, or it might be with your taste in men.

On the other hand, if they’ve liked other guys you’ve dated, this should be a sign that there’s something about this particular relationship or this specific guy that’s raising red flags for your family – and that’s worth at least taking note of.

Do They Have Any Valid Points?

Now is the time for the uncomfortable question. The one you’ve been avoiding like the plague, wishing you could ignore forever, and sweep under the rug. But if your family has expressed concerns, shown disapproval, or been standoffish with your boyfriend, you have to ask yourself: Is there any chance they’re right? Do they have any valid reasons for not liking your boyfriend?

People don’t dislike someone out of a vacuum. 

Maybe they don’t, but generally speaking, people don’t dislike someone out of a vacuum. Open up a conversation with one or more members of your family and ask them (ideally without attempting to prove them wrong or get overly defensive) what their issues with your new boyfriend are. Hear them out and allow them to say their piece. 

It’s possible that their issues with him aren’t ones that they can fairly hold against him (such as where he’s from). But because the beginning of a relationship is notorious for being the period of time when we’re blind to our new guy’s faults, it’s entirely possible that they’re able to see red flags that you can’t because of your rose-colored glasses.

Is It Everyone in Your Family, or Just One Person?

It’s true, there is strength in numbers. If your whole family has issues with the new guy you’re seeing, it’s much harder to ignore or chalk it up to your mom having a weird issue with him. If you find that everyone is on the same page about your new guy, their concerns are worth looking into.

On the flip side, if it’s just one person who’s not a fan of him, it might be less of a problem with your boyfriend and more of a problem with whoever is not on board. For example, if your dad is the only person who is not too sure about this new guy, while everyone else loves him, there’s a good chance he’s just being over-protective.

Closing Thoughts

It’s hurtful when your family doesn’t react to your new boyfriend the way you hoped they would. And while it’s not necessary that they approve of your relationship (especially if they have a record of being unhealthy, toxic, or unfair), there are times when your family’s opinion should hold more weight than your whirling, whimsical, romantic feelings.

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