Don’t Leave It All Up To Him: Why It’s Important For Wives To Initiate Sex Too

By Keelia Clarkson··  4 min read
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Boys chase girls – that’s nothing new. But should it always be up to them?

If there’s one thing we ladies love, it’s being romantically pursued. We like to feel chosen, special, desirable, and loved by someone. Men, on the other hand, are taught how to pursue. They learn how to show interest (hopefully, respectfully), initiate dates, and drive relationships forward.

This isn’t a bad thing – to be pursued is in our nature, and to chase is in theirs. There’s a reason we always see little boys chasing girls on the playground, right? And things don’t really change all that much as we get older. Our dating culture emphasizes this dynamic, as well as our natural tendencies, and so we often keep it up once we get married.

But Should Guys Always Be the Initiator?

We often leave it up to the husband to take us on a date, to surprise us with a little gift, to shower us with compliments, to hold our hand – which many guys do love doing. And even more than these simple ways of showing affection, we expect him to always be the one to initiate sex.

We’re told, after all, that guys always want us; that they’re endlessly desirous of us. And so we cast ourselves in the role of the pursued, and him as the pursuer, leaving the ball of romance and intimacy, though we agree to hit it back, both beginning and ending in his court.

We cast ourselves in the role of the pursued, leaving the ball of intimacy, though we agree to hit it back, in his court.

But even with our innate inclinations to be sought after by our husband, should we always leave the role of the initiator up to him?

We Can’t Listen to the Stereotypes

We’ve all heard a few things said countless times about men’s desire for sex from the moment we started dating. Of course, there’s “Men only want one thing,” which painted an image in our mind of men never not being interested – such a strong image that many immediately jump to infidelity if he ever doesn’t show interest. It’s assumed that he must be getting this need met somewhere.

And then there’s “Guys don’t care about the emotional side of it; it’s purely physical for them,” offering women an understanding of men’s desire for sex as almost being a physical reaction rather than ever an emotional need – and this is all, of course, in conjunction with our perception of women’s intimacy as being highly emotional.

But it’s time women let go of these ultimately unhelpful, misguided, untrue mantras about men. While guys have typically taken on the initiator role, only ever treating them as the one who makes things happen creates an unhealthy, uneven dynamic and, not to mention, denies his feelings and ability to ever show interest differently than we’ve been conditioned to anticipate. But ultimately, it ignores his human desire to be desired.

Men Want To Be Desired Too

It’s this very misunderstanding of men and their inner workings that allows us to take a back seat when it comes to showing passion, bidding, or initiating sex. By assuming that he’ll ask for sex whenever he wants it – even if we usually respond back with interest – we’re failing to let him know that he’s desired too. Not for what he can make us feel, but for who he is.

Wives have a unique and beautiful ability to make their husband feel wanted, chosen, and cherished.

Women aren’t the only ones who crave to be desired by their spouse, and yet we’re trained to worry about whether or not our husband has made us feel desired without considering whether we’ve done that for him as well. Husbands, too, need to feel chosen, wanted, significant, and cherished. Wives have a unique and beautiful ability to make their husband feel these things.

And along with all of the emotional benefits, studies show that when wives take it upon themselves to also show interest in their husband, it makes for a far more connective, meaningful relationship, each spouse’s desire being kindled and fulfilled by the other’s.

Closing Thoughts

It’s been ingrained in us that men should always be the pursuer and women should always be the pursued, but even science backs up that women can and should take on the role of initiator too, especially when it comes to showing their husband something he truly needs from his wife.

Want some practical tips on how to better initiate sex with your husband? Read how to seduce your husband here, how to boost your sex life here, and how to get yourself “in the mood” here.

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