Ask Evie: Why Did Half Of My Wedding Guests Not Bring A Gift—And Could This Happen Again At My Baby Shower?

READER’S QUESTION: "My husband and I got married almost a year ago, and we had a beautiful wedding! I’m pretty shocked, though – at least half of our guests didn’t get us a gift, and this was not a destination wedding. Now I’m pregnant (yay) and feeling very weird about having a baby shower where the same thing could happen again. I’m still pretty bitter about it. Advice?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Gifts are, by definition, freely given. We don't have a right to them. But there are certain social events – like birthday parties, weddings, and baby showers – where giving a gift is expected. It's a part of the event etiquette. So it's understandable to be a little bit disappointed that your wedding attendees didn't give gifts – it is poor etiquette. That being said, the main reason to invite someone to a celebration like a wedding, birthday, or baby shower is because you want that person to participate in your special day – not because you're hoping to make bank off them.

We don't know the circumstances of your wedding or registry, but maybe there were not many affordable or cheap options on your registry? If most of your registry was bigger ticket items, then it's possible many guests couldn't afford to buy a gift from your registry, and not everyone is comfortable buying "off registry." If this could be a possible factor, the good news is that baby shower registries usually have many more cheaper gifting options: baby clothes, washcloths, towels, burp cloths, bottles, a nursing cover, a box of diapers, a box of wipes, pacifiers, bath supplies, toys, etc. You can also put an option for gift cards or to donate to a "diaper fund" on your registry for those who can only give something small.

Furthermore, it's very easy to find "good as new" baby items secondhand and for much cheaper, so anything you don't get at your shower, you can reasonably acquire yourself or from friends who are moms with older children. There are even websites that allow you to create registries with secondhand items.

Can you be grateful for what you have been given – not just the gifts, but the love, support, time, and connection?

It is a little odd that at least half of your guests didn’t bring a gift to your wedding, though. As stated above, one of the possible reasons could have been that your registry options were too expensive and unrealistic for many of your guests. Another reason could be that the way you provided your registry information wasn’t clear or accessible. Was it on your invitation or your wedding website, or did you expect your guests to reach out to you to request the registry link? Did you invite 300 people to your wedding that you’re not even close to with the hope of getting as many gifts as possible? Of course, you would hope that if you invited someone who didn’t feel connected enough to you to bring you a gift, they wouldn’t come, but maybe they felt like it was a good excuse to get a free date night. Maybe your mother or MIL told family members that a gift wasn’t necessary, or maybe your guests were feeling so strained by the economy that it simply wasn’t feasible to bring anything. It is definitely poor etiquette because you are feeding all of your guests, presumably a fairly expensive meal and beverages, so they should have brought something, whether it was a homemade gift or even a bottle of wine with a card to say congratulations, or they could have forgone your wedding altogether. However, what’s past is past, so ultimately, all you need to decide is how you want to move forward. 

You can make your baby registry with a majority of inexpensive, affordable items that your guests can reasonably afford on a budget and ensure that your gift registry information is obvious and accurate when sending out invitations, but at the end of the day, we’d recommend adjusting your attitude to the situation. You can do everything in your power to make it easier for your guests to bring you a gift, but they still may not, and that’s something you’re going to have to learn to accept if you want to enjoy your celebration with these people around. 

Can you approach your baby shower (and look back on your wedding) with the perspective that you want to celebrate your new phase of life with the attendees, and if they happen to give you a present, that's just a bonus? Can you focus on the people and let go of the material? Can you be grateful for what you have been given – not just the gifts, but the love, support, time, and connection? Only by extending forgiveness to your wedding attendees and shifting your attitude will you be able to let go of your bitterness and enjoy your baby shower.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.