Ask Evie: My Sister-In-Law Is Mad I Went “Off Registry” For Her Baby Shower Gift. Is She Right To Be Upset?

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, I recently flew from Florida (my hometown) to Michigan (my husband’s hometown) to attend my sister-in-law’s baby shower. When shopping on her baby list, I picked out the baby swing. But when researching, I found a better baby swing that was portable, over the one she picked out, which wasn’t portable. After asking my mother-in-law (her mom) if she thought this was okay and if my sister-in-law would care, my mother-in-law said she thought it was perfectly fine that I buy the better one. So I purchased the swing I picked out. After my sister-in-law opened the gift, I was upfront with her and said that I know this wasn’t the swing you picked out, but I thought it was a better one. She acted completely fine with it.

Later that night, I overheard a conversation between my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, where my sister-in-law was saying how she didn’t like that I bought a different swing than the one she picked out. I started talking to my sister-in-law on my mother-in-law’s phone and saying I thought we talked about this and that the swing I picked out was better? My sister-in-law then proceeded to say she would “have to do her own research to figure out if she wants to keep it.” I was extremely hurt by this comment.

I should also state that my husband and I are struggling to get pregnant ourselves and that coming to this baby shower weekend was already hard by itself. Then my sister-in-law has to go and be all mean when I believe I got her a better baby swing. I’m not that close to my sister-in-law, as we live in different states, but I’m not sure how to feel about her anymore. Should I tell her how hurt I am by her comments? Or should I just drop it and move on?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Picking out baby items can feel very personal and like a reflection of who you are as a parent, especially if this is your sister-in-law’s first baby. New moms tend to research and analyze every product they pick for their new baby. Because of that, there was probably some feature about the baby swing your SIL picked that was important to her, and it’s understandable if being told you picked out a “better” swing or giving her the impression that you felt like you knew more than she did from your research irritated her. She may have chosen that particular swing because she also liked the look of it better and felt that it would fit in well with her nursery or home design (even if she doesn’t admit that that factored into her decision). But really, in the grand scheme of things, as long as the baby swing is safe, sturdy, and works, then it shouldn’t really matter which swing you have. If she really doesn’t like it, then she can exchange it for the one she had picked out.

There is no need to make a mountain out of a molehill and no need for one incident to ruin a family connection.

It's frustrating that your mother-in-law advised you that choosing a different swing would be okay, and then she was wrong. You tried to do something you thought was nice, and it backfired, and that’s aggravating. However, we would recommend letting this incident go and just learning from it for future registry requests (baby shower or wedding related.) Your SIL more than likely has already moved on and either decided to keep the swing or exchange it. She may have just been feeling extra emotional on the day or been internalizing some self-doubt about her ability as a new mom and took the frustration out on you. There is no need to make a mountain out of a molehill and no need for one incident to ruin a family connection. 

You can send her a text letting her know that you’re sorry about the swing and should’ve known that she did a lot of research on the one she picked and that you only got her this one because you saw that it was portable, but you understand if she would like to exchange it. After that, we would advise letting it lie. It’s always good to be upfront and honest, as we’re sure your intentions were pure and not to offend her, but you don’t want to beat a dead horse or make her baby shower (or pregnancy) about you. Of course, we totally understand having a hard time going to her shower and picking out gifts when you are struggling to conceive (and she probably already knows that as well), but you don’t want to bring that up in this fight and make her feel guilty and shift the focus away from her first baby. She’s going to have a lot on her plate in the coming months, so as tough as it is to just move on, that is your best option in this scenario if you want to stay on good terms with her.  

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.