Ask Evie: A Guy I’m Crushing On Grew Up In A Traumatic Household. Will His Upbringing Negatively Affect Our Future Relationship?

READER’S QUESTION: “Hi Evie, I was wondering if you had any advice since nobody I've asked seems to have very good input on this subject: There's a guy in my life, who I know is into me, and he knows I'm into him, but I've had some concerns about dating him. His whole life his parents have had a very tenuous relationship – they haven't separated, but my friend has grown up hearing his parents fight with each other both verbally and physically. He's never had the support he needs from his parents, he's been under such constant stress from his parents' relationship for years, and he's also had to practically raise his younger siblings since his parents couldn't get their act together. I could keep going, but I think you get the point. As someone who dates for marriage, should I be wary of a man with such trauma in his background?

Don't get me wrong, this particular guy has handled it like a champ, and he's really working on himself so he won't be like his parents, but I still can't help feeling concerned... Am I reading too much into this, or is it really something to be worried about? Also, as a Catholic, marriage is for life, so I take it very seriously – but that also means I tend to be a little too paranoid and picky at times lol."

EVIE’S ADVICE: There are two ways people often respond to trauma and stress in their family of origin: They repeat it, or they react against it. It's common for the oldest child to have to take on way too much responsibility when their parents aren't functional. Some pros are that they tend to grow up to be mature, responsible, caring, and protective. Some cons are often that they're disconnected from their own emotions and inner life, have difficulty identifying and expressing their needs, and struggle with codependency and upholding their boundaries. If this guy is working on his self-awareness and wrestling with his family of origin experiences – which it sounds like he is – those are healthy, positive signs. We all have some kind of negative experiences or trauma that shapes us as we're growing up – it's how we respond to them and take charge of our healing and our lives that matters.

Secondly, dating is not marriage – dating is a time for discernment that may or may not lead to marriage. Deciding to date this guy, getting to know him and his circumstances better, and seeing how he's working to shape his adult life are just part of the discernment process.

We all have some kind of negative experience that shapes us as we're growing up; it's how we respond to it that matters.

That being said, you do need to really ponder what level of dysfunction you're comfortable marrying into because you don't just marry a guy, you marry his family too. His parents will be your in-laws and your future children's grandparents. You will likely be investing more time into his siblings to make up for his parents, or possibly having his siblings living with you someday. Even if it's best for him to cut off all contact with his parents, if there are younger siblings still living with his parents, it's highly unlikely he'll be willing to do that, for their sake. 

At the end of the day, you won’t know whether this relationship will work out or not if you don’t give it a shot – you two could find that you aren’t as compatible as you thought (and it has nothing to do with his upbringing), or you could discover that he’s the love of your life and that you’re willing to overcome any challenges his past may dig up in order to be together and raise a happy, healthy family of your own. Only you know how deeply you feel for him already, and, given everything discussed above, if it’s worth finding out if there’s a future for the two of you. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.