Ask Alison: Etiquette For Bridesmaid Costs, Off-Registry Gifts, Regifts & More
We all have those moments when etiquette feels less like a rule book and more like a lifeline. From weddings to weeknights, parenting to parties, modern life is full of situations that make us pause and think: Is there a kinder, clearer way to handle this?
That’s where your questions come in. I love hearing the real dilemmas you’re navigating and sharing practical, gracious ways forward. The beauty of etiquette is that it bridges differences. It gives us tools to navigate friendships, family, and professional life with ease. Whether you’re celebrating a wedding, raising little ones, or just trying to be a thoughtful guest, a touch of grace makes all the difference.
Q: I’ve noticed that being a bridesmaid these days can come with a lot of unexpected expenses with destination bachelorette trips, elaborate showers, and multiple outfits and gifts. Is there a polite way to ask about costs before saying yes?
A: Oh, I could write a book about this! The best approach is to ask early and often about expectations. Boundaries around travel and spending don’t have to be cold or transactional. They can be framed with love. Try something like: “I’m honored to be part of your wedding and want to know what’s most important to you so I can budget and plan accordingly.” Clear communication upfront spares hurt feelings and financial strain later.
Q: How do I kindly tell well-meaning relatives not to give my toddler sugary treats like cake pops or ice cream?
A: Be clear and kind. You can say, “We so appreciate your generosity and wanting to treat her, but we’re limiting sugar right now.” That’s it. You don’t need to explain your parenting decisions in detail or justify them. A smile and a thank you go a long way. If your relatives are not in a habit of offering healthy options, you could also volunteer to bring more nutritious alternatives to share. That way your daughter will have nutritious options without you feeling like you’re putting your well-meaning relatives out.
Q: What’s your take on buying gifts that aren’t on a couple’s registry? For example, if I buy something they asked for, is it okay to add a few extras they didn’t?
A: Absolutely! The registry is a guide, not a mandate. Giving something off a registry as a foundation and then adding something personal and thoughtful alongside it is such a lovely combination. It could be a beautiful serving piece you know they’ll use or a sweet book or devotional you’re confident they would enjoy reading together. The key is keeping the couple’s style and any space limitations in mind.
Q: What should you do if you realize you’ve been given a regift?
A: File it under “what not to do” for your own future gift-giving, but don’t call it out. Mentioning it only risks embarrassing the giver. Even if it was a regift it is very possible that they thought the gift would be perfect for you and there was still a lot of heart and positive intentions behind it even if the regifting wasn’t totally inconspicuous. Besides, most of us have been in the position of receiving something we couldn’t use. Grace means giving others the benefit of the doubt.
Q: When dining out with a toddler, do I need to pick up all the food they throw on the floor?
A: You don’t need to crawl under the table to gather every Cheerio, but you should make a reasonable effort. Pick up larger pieces if you can, and leave a more generous tip if it’s especially messy. Showing extra appreciation for the staff goes a long way. And while this may be easier said than done, it’s considerate to choose restaurants and meal times that set your child up for success as no one (parents and fellow diners alike) enjoys dining with a little one overtired and melting down.
Q: Do you tip for mobile beauty services, especially if the provider charges a travel fee and owns the business?
A: Yes. The travel fee covers their mileage and time, but the service itself is still tip-worthy. The standard is 15–20% if you’re happy with the result. Some clients prefer a flat tip of $20–$50 for house calls if the travel fee seems especially high. Think of it this way: if you would tip for the same service in a salon, extend the same courtesy when it comes to you.
Etiquette doesn’t have to feel rigid or intimidating. It’s really about helping relationships thrive in everyday life. Thank you for trusting me with your questions each week!
If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com.
Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”