Ashley Graham Says Waiting To Have Sex Helped Her Choose The Right Man

On a recent episode of Ilona Maher’s podcast House of Maher, Graham opened up about how she met her husband, filmmaker Justin Ervin, and the choice that completely changed her dating trajectory.

“I Was Doing This the Incorrect Way”

Graham told Maher that before meeting Ervin, she found herself stuck in patterns she knew weren’t serving her, particularly when it came to sex and relationships.

“You’re out in these streets and you’re doing exactly what I was doing,” she said. “You’re trying to find the right gentleman to do life with. I realized I’m doing this the incorrect way.” She didn’t go into detail about those previous relationships, but she did describe their emotional cost: “I’m giving so much of my power away, and I’m tired of giving my power away. Let me hold on to it a little bit.”

For many women, that line resonates. Sex can create a fast bond that later disguises incompatibility, narrowing a woman’s leverage while deepening her emotional investment. Graham realized that pattern wasn’t leading her toward the love she actually wanted. So when she met Ervin at church in 2009, she tried something new.

Finding Someone on the Same Page

Graham met cinematographer Justin Ervin and felt immediately that their connection was different. But instead of sliding into the same patterns, she made a decision. “I just want to break you the news,” she recalled telling him. “You’re not gonna get any of the kitty cat.” To her surprise, he didn’t push back. He agreed. In fact, he said he’d wanted the same thing, no sex until marriage.

“I found somebody that’s on the same page as me,” she said. “Next thing you know, we’re saying ‘I love you.’ Next thing you know, the parents are meeting…Everything was based off friendship.” They dated for about a year, stayed celibate, and married in 2010. Today they share three sons.

“Make Him Work for Something”

“Make him wait for something,” she said. “Because then you’re actually getting through the nitty gritty of: do you like each other? Could you see yourself building something with this person? That’s all. Write that down.” She frames it as a strategy for discernment and self-respect, which is honestly much more helpful than the Call Her Daddy style of unbounded, hookup-centric "empowerment," or the shame-based approach favored by "red pilled" corners of the internet.

What Graham models is a third way grounded in self-worth rather than hard rules:

• Boundaries as a form of power, not punishment.

• Discernment as a way to protect your future, not restrict your present.

• Letting sex follow compatibility, not substitute for it.

Traditional or Revolutionary?

With more than a decade of marriage behind her, she’s offering younger women something most celebrity culture never does: the perspective that waiting didn’t weaken her romantic life, it actually strengthened it. Which is absolutely revolutionary in the current dating hellscape that pressures women to move fast and perform sexually, and hope it leads to something more profound.

She's essentially encouraging other women to consider that when she stopped giving away sex without commitment, she found someone who truly valued her, and now her life is much better for it. And honestly? Good for her. Good for a woman who decides that their body, their time, and their heart are worth more than a dopamine hit.