A Professional Matchmaker Weighs In On What "The Materialists" Gets Wrong (And Right) About Modern Dating

And by reinforcements, I mean a whole matchmaking team. That’s the premise behind Three Day Rule , one of the country’s leading matchmaking and relationship wellness companies, and the real-life version of what The Materialists (the buzzy new film starring Dakota Johnson) playfully hints at. I chatted with Adam Cohen Aslatei, CEO of Three Day Rule and a seasoned expert in modern matchmaking, to peek behind the curtain on how high-end matchmaking actually works, why the apps are failing so badly , and what today’s women really need to know about finding love in 2025. A Day in the Life of a Modern Matchmaker “I think it’s the best job in the world,” Adam says. “It’s the most rewarding thing to be able to connect with a human being, understand what they’re looking for, and help them find love.” That love, it turns out, doesn’t just spring from intuition. It’s built through a surprisingly methodical and emotionally intelligent process. When a client signs up, they don’t just get one matchmaker. They get a team: a matchmaker, a date coach, and a recruiter. “We think about the entire relationship journey,” Adam explains. “From preparing for love, to finding it, to maintaining it.” Step one? A deep dive into who you are, what you want, and what you think you need. Then comes the real talk. Are those two things actually aligned? “You tell us your wish list. Maybe it’s a trust-fund guy who runs marathons,” Adam laughs. “But then we get into the deeper questions: What are your values? What are your ambitions? Do you want kids? What are your real deal breakers? Who have you dated in the past, and more importantly, why didn’t it work out?” It’s an emotional audit, not just of your love life, but of your relationship patterns . And that, Adam says, is where things start to shift. Who Actually Uses Matchmakers? With so many stories and stereotypes floating around, who’s actually using Three Day Rule? “Everyone,” Adam says simply. “We just signed a client who’s 92. She wants a companion. Someone to hold hands with at dinner.” But you’ll also find the ER nurse working 80 hours a week, the jet-setting finance exec, the first-time dater in her 20s, the divorcee starting over. The list goes on and on. Matchmaking, Adam says, isn’t about status or stage of life. It’s simply about your intent. “If you’re ready for a long-term relationship, and you’re tired of wasting time, this is how you stack the odds in your favor,” he says. “You’re not only going on better dates, you’re also learning about yourself, building confidence, and getting support.” Building Your Profiles and Preferences Once the team gets a feel for your emotional blueprint, the search begins, thanks to a huge database of 250,000 vetted singles as well as a personal "recruiter" out in the world, scouting out more options for you. With your preferences in mind, these recruiters are on the lookout at airports, art galleries, charity events, or even Disneyland, with business cards in hand. It sounds straight out of a rom-com, but it’s all grounded in strategy. Recruiters are equipped with a dossier about each client: their interests, their aesthetics, their emotional style. They’re not just looking for "tall, dark, and handsome, though." They’re looking for compatibility. “They’re like my Navy SEALs,” Adam jokes. “Going into these groups, striking up conversations, then reeling someone back in if they’re a good fit.” If a recruited person does express interest in the matchmaking process, they're thoroughly vetted and then added to your database. And once a match is made? “We help plan the date,” Adam says. “Then we debrief. We talk with both people. Did it work? Why or why not? Were there red flags? Was there chemistry? Is this someone to build with or not?” Why Coaching Is the Secret Weapon While all of this already sounds pretty helpful, Adam is quick to point out that coaching is where the real magic happens. “Dating is a skill,” he says simply. “Like riding a bike. Like reading. But most of us were never taught how to do it. We just fumbled through apps, through situationships, through movies and TikToks.” That’s where Three Day Rule’s coaches come in. Clients receive personalized advice, practice conversations, work through insecurities, and get honest about what they’re really looking for. The results? Staggering. “We see a 20% to 40% increase in dating success when someone’s working with a coach,” Adam shares. “And with matchmaking overall, the chances of finding a real relationship jump to 70–80%. Compare that to 9% with apps.” With coaching built in, you’re not just getting dates, you’re gaining skills. “You’d be shocked how many people think, ‘I’ve been dating for ten years, I must be good at it.’ But if you’ve been doing something wrong for ten years, you haven’t mastered it. You’ve just repeated a pattern.” “We had a female client worth several hundred million dollars who didn’t want to date a man who earned less than her,” Adam recalls. “But it wasn’t about greed. It was about what financial power represented to her. Leadership. Control. Social image.” Through coaching, they explored her beliefs: Was it insecurity? Was it community pressure? Was it a fear that she wouldn’t feel ‘feminine’ in the relationship? “Eventually, many of our clients realize the number in someone’s bank account isn’t the key factor. It’s their character. Their ambition. Their capacity to grow.” That’s a critical mindset shift, and it’s why, Adam argues, matchmaking leads to much higher success rates than dating apps. “Apps don’t offer introspection,” he says. “They offer volume. But volume doesn’t lead to clarity. Coaching does.” From "Swipe" Culture to Something Real Having spent almost two decades in both the app and matchmaking worlds, Adam is uniquely positioned to understand what’s changed and what hasn’t. The biggest shift? “People are tired,” he says bluntly. And while you might assume matchmaking is a luxury reserved for older singles who’ve grown disillusioned, Adam says that’s no longer the case. “There’s this huge misconception that matchmaking is only for people in their 50s, 60s, or 70s,” he says. “But now we’re seeing people in their 20s and 30s flooding in, especially women, because they’re serious about long-term love, and they want privacy.” “Millennials and Gen Z are over the apps. They do not want to be on these apps. They’ve been on them for 10 years, they don’t work, your self-esteem’s in the toilet, you’ve been catfished, you’ve been ghosted, it costs so much money to go on dates, it’s such a huge, colossal waste of time, and I think we’ve reached that point with millennials, and now Gen Zers are also are turning to [matchmaking].” And that’s where the rise in interest in matchmaking, especially among women , comes in. “Women are results-driven,” Adam explains. “If they want a family or long-term relationship, they will invest financially, emotionally, and strategically.” Men, on the other hand, are just starting to catch up. “There’s still a little stigma around men asking for help when it comes to love. It doesn’t feel ‘masculine’ to some. But that’s changing. We’re seeing more and more men come in saying, ‘I want a serious relationship, and I don’t want to waste time.’” “In many cultures, matchmaking was always community-driven. Your family and friends helped you find someone. And guess what? Divorce rates are lower in those communities.” Three Day Rule offers a modern version of that, minus a few unwanted opinions. And forget the public humiliation of seeing your ex, or your coworker, on Bumble. “People want to date in peace," Adam adds. "No public profile, no TikTok trauma. Just genuine, high-quality interactions with vetted people.” The Psychology Behind the Match So, how does a matchmaker match their clients with the right person? It’s more art than algorithm. “We’ve played around with formal personality tests, but here’s what we’ve found: people change their answers when they know they’re being tested,” Adam explains. “So instead, we ask situational questions and analyze the patterns we see." For example: You’re at a bar, and you see someone you’re attracted to. What do you do? Their answer helps reveal far more than a personality label ever could. Are they bold or shy? Strategic or spontaneous? Are they confident, or are they looking for external validation? These hidden cues guide the matchmaker-client pairings and later, the romantic matches. “We’re watching how they answer, not just what they say. That’s how we figure out what they need.” What The Materialists Gets Right As a professional matchmaker, Adam had a lot of thoughts about The Materialists , the new film featuring a sleek, high-end matchmaking firm and its wealthy clients. “I loved that it showcased matchmaking in a human, positive way,” he says. “So many movies just reference the dating apps and how miserable people are on them. But this actually showed someone vetting matches for you, getting to know you, advocating for your love story.” According to a survey conducted by Three Day Rule, 74% of American singles say they’d consider using a matchmaker. Only 1% actually have. “There’s still a ton of confusion about what we do, and I think the movie helped demystify it.” In fact, Adam says his own company resembles the one in the film more than most would expect. “Every Monday, we have a company-wide call where 30 coaches and matchmakers share updates, who had a great first date, who’s on a second date, who just got engaged or married. These are real-life milestones. We celebrate them together. That’s what matchmaking is really about: investing in people’s futures.” What The Materialists Gets Wrong “I loved that the movie The Materialists centered matchmaking and romantic intent,” Adam reiterates. “It was refreshing not to see Tinder or Hinge as the main character for once.” But it wasn’t all realistic. “For example, the idea that clients have to choose between love and wealth because it’s such a false binary. You can have both. That’s the whole point of matchmaking. We help people define their version of success in love and then go find it.” The film also introduced a storyline involving a client being harmed by someone she was matched with, a very frightening but extremely rare scenario, according to Adam. “Safety is everything to us at Three Day Rule," he explains. "We background check, vet, video call, and screen through social media before we ever set up a date. I think that is one of the differences between dating apps and matchmaking, that you have background checks, you have someone who is vetting a person multiple times. Is it possible that a person can do something horrible? Yes, always possible. But on a dating app, you get none of that vetting. You have to do it yourself." "We’re able to do the vetting for them in a longer period of time and get more information. And if we feel that there's any sketchiness in that person, we do not set them up on a date. And if anything does happen, we obviously escalate to the authorities. But the vetting and the screening of a candidate for a client is extremely extensive, so people should feel secure in knowing that.” From Wish Lists to Real-Life Love Many clients come in with dream-team-level checklists: Ivy League degree, private jet, six-pack, family values, but also a little bad-boy edge? “Oh yes, we’ve seen it all,” Adam says, laughing. “We’ve had women say, ‘He needs a chalet.’ Not that he needs to love skiing. He needs to own a ski house in Aspen. It’s one thing to want shared hobbies. It’s another to demand luxury real estate.” But Adam doesn’t roll his eyes. He just gets curious. “We ask, ‘Why is that important to you?’ Because it’s usually not about the house. It’s about status, or lifestyle, or wanting to feel aligned in ambition. And that’s valid. But our job is to translate those wants into actual compatibility markers.” I asked him if modern daters are too materialistic? It’s a common accusation, but Adam challenges it. “Sure, aesthetics, wealth, status, those things have always mattered. But what’s changing is that women don’t need men financially anymore. They’re choosing partnership from a place of independence, not survival.” That choice opens the door to a deeper kind of compatibility. “We’re seeing more and more women say, ‘I’m fine financially, I just want someone with ambition, values, emotional intelligence, and the ability to grow with me.’ That’s the real high-value match.” But, and here Adam is refreshingly honest, most women still want at least a financial equal. “They’re not looking to carry someone. They want a teammate. And ambition is part of personality. If you both have potential, and you match in intent, you can build an incredible life together.” The Height Debacle Another preference that Adam says can lead women astray in the dating world is an overfixation on height . “The height thing is an interesting one because we have had so many female clients who are telling us, ‘I need the guy to be six foot.’ There's something with six foot and above where women are just, I don't know, the media is telling them this, society is telling them, ‘You've got to be six foot,’ because that's what hot is. But most people, most men in this country, are not six foot. Fourteen percent of Americans are six foot and taller. Half of them are married, and the majority of them are not in your age group.” “So you're left with one to three percent of people that are six foot and in your age group across the whole country," he explains. "And when you're only looking for that, you're leaving out the most intelligent, emotionally connected, and very attractive guys who are 5'7", 5'8", and 5'9".” “And let me tell you, the short guys know they're short, and they try harder. So for all the women out there who will only date six foot and above, I guarantee you these guys who are shorter try harder and do better. So you should go for them as well as the six footers.” “You cannot build your dream man like you’re in a Build-a-Bear Workshop," Adam adds with a laugh, but he’s also serious. “People are not bears. And we are not robots.” His point? Humans are whole beings; they aren’t just made of parts. Yet modern dating culture, and the rise of filter-heavy apps, encourages exactly that kind of reduction. “Tinder just added a height filter,” he says, shaking his head. “It’s sending the wrong message . We’re being told that the right guy is six-foot-plus, makes six figures, and has washboard abs. But what really leads to long-term happiness? Emotional intelligence. Shared values. Intent.” That’s not to say attraction doesn’t matter. Adam emphasizes that it absolutely does. But he also explains how real attraction works. “Our most successful matches are typically people who are about a 7.5 or 8 out of 10 on paper,” he says. “When you connect emotionally, that number goes up. But if someone’s a 10 out of 10 physically and there’s no emotional depth? That becomes a lust situation, not a love story.” The X-Factor of the Happiest Couples After 20 years in the industry and thousands of successful matches, Adam has seen every type of love story, but the happiest ones all share a common thread. “It’s aligned intent,” he says. “The happiest couples knew what they wanted. Not just in a partner, but in a life . They were clear on their values, their goals, and their vision for the future. “They’re not looking to ‘see what happens.’ They know they want love, and they’re open to the work it takes to find and keep it,” he says. And that kind of clarity leads to better matches, deeper bonds, and real love. “Your person doesn’t have to be perfect. They just have to be your person,” Adam says. “The one who supports you, challenges you, grows with you. That’s what we help people find.” “Money comes, money goes," he adds. "Chemistry can fade. But a shared purpose and mutual growth? That’s the foundation.” Confidence, too, is the real currency in successful relationships. For women who know they struggle with self-esteem but still want to date, Adam gives direct but empathetic advice: “Don’t wait for someone else to fix your life. Get to a place where you feel whole first.” Confidence, he explains, comes from becoming someone who feels proud of their life, friendships, and sense of purpose. “If you’re unhappy in your career, your body, your community, fix that first. Love can’t be the cure for everything. It will only magnify what’s already there.” Adam’s First Date Checklist 1. No Red Flags Before anything else, scan for red flags . Not the kind that show up in viral TikTok lists, but genuine signs that something’s off. Maybe they’re rude to the server. Maybe they make you feel uncomfortable. That’s your intuition doing its job. Adam doesn’t believe in writing people off too quickly, but if something feels fundamentally wrong, don’t ignore it. 2. Two Shared Emotional Values, Illustrated with Stories This is the part people often miss. Don’t just ask if they “value family” or “care about ambition.” That’s surface-level. Instead, look for emotional alignment backed by real-life experiences. As Adam puts it: “We both value education, illustrated by a story. We both value family, illustrated by a story.” In other words, pay attention to what they share and how they share it. Did they talk about moving across the country to take care of a grandparent? That’s more revealing than simply checking a box that says “family-oriented.” Did they describe how they put themselves through school, working two jobs? That’s how you know education really matters to them. You’re not just looking for overlap, you’re looking for evidence that your values are more than words. 3. One Physical Feature You Find Sexy Yes, attraction still matters. But Adam doesn’t believe it needs to be overwhelming from the jump. You just need to notice something about them that you find physically appealing. “It could be their smile. Their butt. Their eyebrows,” he laughs. This is your gut check on chemistry. Maybe their voice pulls you in. Maybe they have great posture, a warm laugh, or a slow, thoughtful gaze. That small flicker of attraction? That’s enough. Over time, it often grows, especially when paired with an emotional connection. But if there’s no spark at all ? That’s worth noting, too. If all 3 of those check out, then Adam says you should probably go on another date. And if you’re struggling to trust yourself with that call? Well, that’s exactly where a matchmaker (and coach) comes in. Choosing the Right Matchmaker: What to Look For As we wrapped up, I asked Adam what people should watch for when choosing a matchmaker. His answer? “The best matchmaker will feel a little like a therapist. If you can’t be totally vulnerable with them, they’re not your matchmaker.” You should feel safe, understood, and never judged. Because that kind of openness is what allows the matchmaking process to work. “If your walls stay up, your matchmaker is just guessing,” he says. “You want someone who gets you .” Adam’s ultimate message is simple: “Every day you’re not with the right person is time you could be sharing something beautiful.” That doesn’t mean rushing, but it does mean getting intentional about who you are , what you want, and what actually leads to happiness in love.