A Guide To Wedding Shower Etiquette: Who Hosts, Who’s Invited, And Do You Have To Open Every Gift?

Showers aren’t universal; they’re largely American. And like so many traditions, they come with their own set of etiquette questions: Who’s supposed to host? What if your mom is the only one volunteering? Can you invite people who aren’t invited to the wedding itself? And do you really need to open every single gift at the party?

To untangle the etiquette, let’s start with where these celebrations began.

A Quick History Lesson: From Dowries to “Parlor Showers”

The origins of the shower trace back to 16th-century Holland and neighboring Germany. Legend has it that when a bride’s family couldn’t provide a dowry or when her father disapproved of her marriage and withheld it, friends would “shower” her with gifts so she could wed the man of her choosing. It wasn’t about registries or ribbons; it was about community stepping in when family didn’t.

By the late 1800s, the tradition had made its way to American cities, where middle-class women hosted “parlor showers.” These genteel affairs centered around tea and simple household gifts like linens, cookware, or china sometimes presented in umbrellas or baskets, a playful nod to the “shower” theme.

By the 1930s, bridal showers had spread well beyond urban parlors to small towns and rural America, cemented by etiquette books and glossy magazines. Emily Post wrote about them as intimate, women-only gatherings with a clear purpose: helping a bride set up her household.

Today, couples may already have their kitchen basics, but the shower remains as a time to gather friends, swap stories, and celebrate a marriage-to-be.

Why the Shower Is So American

Showers remain most common in the U.S. and Canada, with occasional appearances in parts of the Caribbean. Beyond that? They’re rare.

In the U.K., friends would be puzzled at the idea. Hen parties (bachelorette parties) are the big pre-wedding event, and gifts are reserved for the wedding itself. In much of Europe, Latin America, Africa, and Asia, the concept simply doesn’t exist. Weddings there are already gift-heavy community affairs, or dowries and family-to-family exchanges cover the practical needs. A separate event just for gifts would feel redundant or even gauche.

That’s why showers remain such a distinctly American tradition—beloved here, but baffling almost everywhere else. In transient cities like Washington, DC, or New York, where many couples eventually marry “back home,” shower etiquette can get complicated quickly. Different circles of friends and family in different places may all want to celebrate, and that’s where etiquette, paired with a little grace, makes all the difference.

The Big Question: Do You Have to Open Every Gift?

For generations, the image has been fixed: a bride-to-be seated in a ribbon-covered chair, dutifully unwrapping spatula after spatula while guests politely “ooh” and “ahh.” But opening every single gift in front of a crowd isn’t required anymore. What’s more important is that guests feel honored and acknowledged. 

Some brides enjoy it. It’s a way to acknowledge each giver and let the room share in the fun. But for others, it drags. Watching someone unwrap her third set of mixing bowls can quickly lose its charm. And if some didn’t bring gifts, turning it into the centerpiece can unintentionally highlight who did and who didn’t.

The etiquette sweet spot? Make sure every guest feels respected and thanked. That might mean opening gifts later, in private, with thoughtful handwritten notes sent afterward. If you do unwrap during the party, keep it light, thank each giver warmly, then move on to mingling, games, or dessert.

Gift-opening is optional. Gratitude is not.

Who Gets to Host (And Who Really Shouldn’t)

Traditional etiquette has always been clear: the bride’s immediate family, especially her mother, shouldn’t host. Why? Because it can look like the family is asking for gifts on her behalf, tipping the celebration into something transactional. Showers were meant to be hosted by friends, bridesmaids, cousins, or extended family.

Of course, real life is rarely that neat. At my own shower, the invitation listed my sister and cousin, who were very young at the time, for RSVPs even though my mom was the one quietly making most of the decisions. Our family usually celebrated milestones at home, but this time the shower was at a restaurant, which already felt different. Looking back, I realize that was our way of bending etiquette without breaking it.

Still, if you want to avoid having parents as official hosts, here are graceful alternatives:

• Encourage group hosts. Bridesmaids, cousins, or friends can co-host to share the responsibilities. 

• Consider extended family. Aunts, godparents, or family friends often love to step in.

• Keep it casual. A tea, brunch, or “ladies’ afternoon” doesn’t need to become a high-pressure event.

But what if no one else offers, and your parents are the only ones willing? In that case, keep it understated. Frame it as a simple gathering, not a production centered on gifts. A cozy luncheon, dessert party, or low-key restaurant gathering works beautifully.

A gracious way to phrase it: “We’re so excited to celebrate, and since no one else could host, my parents are kindly helping us pull together a little gathering. We’d love for you to join us. It’s really about time together before the wedding.”

Handled with sincerity, this softens the old “rule” and makes room for reality: sometimes parents are best positioned to make the shower happen.

How Many Showers Are Too Many?

Sometimes more than one group wants to celebrate you. Maybe your bridesmaids are planning one, your coworkers are organizing their own, and your aunt wants a family shower. That’s fine as long as the circles don’t overlap.

The golden rule? Each guest should only be invited to one shower unless you are very certain they would want to be included in numerous parties. Otherwise, it could feel like asking for multiple gifts. And remember, the bride shouldn’t be leading the logistics. Showers should be freely offered, never hinted at—or worse, assigned.

What’s not in good taste? A bride dropping hints or appointing someone to host.

When Friends Want to Celebrate (But Aren’t Invited to the Wedding)

This is one of the trickier modern dilemmas. In transient cities or anywhere far from where the wedding will actually take place, coworkers or friends may want to celebrate, even if they’re not traveling to the wedding itself.

The distinction is simple: it’s perfectly fine if they’re the ones inspired to host. It’s not fine for the bride or her family to ask them. If colleagues or local friends offer, it’s usually genuine affection. They want to honor your milestone, even if they won’t be at the big day.

A gracious way to respond: “That’s so thoughtful of you! I’d love to celebrate in a way that doesn’t feel like a traditional shower. Maybe a brunch or tea where gifts aren’t the focus.”

This reframes the gathering as a celebration, not a gift-grab, and lets people be part of your joy without the awkwardness of feeling excluded from the wedding itself.

The Modern Takeaway

Wedding showers may have started as a practical fix for missing dowries, but today they’re something softer: a chance to mark a milestone with the people who love you most.

Etiquette isn’t about boxing you in; it’s about keeping the focus gracious and thoughtful. Whether your shower is in a family living room, at a favorite restaurant, or organized by coworkers who just want to toast to you, the purpose is the same: honoring relationships, not unwrapping gifts.

So if you’re planning, remember: showers are optional. They’re not universal, they’re not required, and they certainly don’t define your wedding. What matters most is that guests feel appreciated, the celebration stays warm and light, and the bride steps into this season of life surrounded by kindness.

As Emily Post reminded brides a century ago and as still rings true today, graciousness never goes out of style.

Shower Etiquette: Quick Do’s and Don’ts

Do:

• Let friends or extended family take the lead on hosting.

• Keep the guest list aligned with the wedding guest list.

• Prioritize warmth and connection over formality.

• Send handwritten thank-you notes, whether gifts were opened during the shower or later.

Don’t:

• Ask or “assign” someone to host your shower.

• Put your mom’s name on the invitation (even if she’s quietly helping behind the scenes).

• Invite the same guest to multiple showers, unless you are certain they would want to be included.

• Make gift-opening the only activity. Gratitude matters more than theatrics.

If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com.

Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”