7 Things You Can Do Today If Your Marriage Is In A Rut

In the blur of work, kids, chores, and just trying to get through the week in one piece, you might be shocked to find your marriage in a not-so-great place all of a sudden. Maybe you never do anything together anymore, or maybe you feel like he doesn’t listen. 

There are steps you can take right away to start getting things back on track. However, if things are really bad, you might need long-term help to assist you and your spouse with ironing out the wrinkles.

1. Express Appreciation

Words of affirmation may not be his love language, but expressing gratitude and validating your spouse is always a good idea. Whether you thank him for something specific or in general for his hard work, it could be just what he needs to hear. The source of your rut could be both of you feeling stressed and unappreciated by the other, and getting in the habit of expressing gratitude could be the reciprocal encouragement you both need to feel valued and respected.

2. Give Him Your Undivided Attention

TikTok, your Instagram feed, or your email might put your phone constantly in your hand, but it’s also taking you away from your husband. Social media or a juicy tabloid headline can wait. Put your phone down and engage with your spouse. Wouldn’t you be annoyed if he was on his phone while you were speaking to him? Give each other the same respect, and be totally focused on him.

This can be a tough habit to break, especially if your phone goes everywhere with you. An easy way to start is by putting your phone in a different room when it’s time for dinner. Enjoy a meal with your spouse, leave your phone out of sight, and give him your undivided attention. Also, turn the TV off if you’re having a conversation or sharing a meal together. Giving him your attention will motivate him to do the same for you.

3. Create a Bubble for the Two of You

Send the kids to their grandparents and order delivery if you don’t feel like cooking. For at least a few hours, devote an entire afternoon or evening to catching up with your husband. Ask him about his work and really listen to both the good and the bad. Talk about things you want to do together or dreams you have, and include things that are weighing on you or bothering you. Do an activity together, like working out, a DIY craft, or a low-stakes home reno project. Don’t watch the news or scroll through Twitter. Commit your time and energy entirely to one another and make yourself impenetrable to outside distractions. Remind yourself that this is (ideally) the way it’s supposed to be – the two of you against the world. 

4. Make Plans

If the monotony of the week is dragging you down, make plans for something fun for just the two of you to give you something to look forward to. Some call this the 2-2-2 rule (though you can use any number, really). Every two weeks, go out for a date night. Every two months, take a weekend vacation or staycation. Every two years, go away for a week. Modify this to your own schedule and what your family looks like, but make sure that you’re making plans, whether it’s for a big trip, a small vacation, or a date night. Don’t put off a date night until the time is right or this and that falls into place – just do it!

5. Initiate Sex

If you feel neglected in the bedroom, your husband might feel that way, too. And, if you want something done but don’t want to wait, do it yourself. Unlock your inner confidence, tap into your inner seductress, and take the initiative to get things started in bed or plan for a romantic encounter. Sex may not solve every issue there is, but intimacy never hurts.

6. Make a Romantic Gesture

Surprise your man through a romantic gesture, whether it’s his favorite meal, a vacation, a love letter, or a gift he’s been eyeing for a while. Maybe it’s doing something he loves that’s not your favorite, or organizing a get-together with his friends for a guys’ night out. Plan carefully to really surprise him. This lets him know that even despite your other responsibilities and anything else on your mind, he is and always will be the top priority in your life. Don’t wait for a holiday or his birthday to do something special. When you’re with the one you love, every day is a reason to celebrate.

7. Recreate a Special Moment

Remember when you went bowling on your first date, or got engaged on a mountain during a hike? When you revisit those moments with your spouse, especially from the early days of the relationship, you remember what drew you to him in the first place. Sometimes it’s not enough just to remember those special places; we need to actually revisit them.

Take him to the restaurant or bar where you first met, or plan a picnic for the two of you in your favorite park. Reminiscing on the sweetness of your love and all the good memories you have can help put the hard times in perspective. It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows in marriage, but it’s never all bad either. Recreate you or your husband’s favorite moment and go back in time, if only for a little bit. Then, remember that even though those fond times don’t last forever, you don’t have to go into the future alone.

Closing Thoughts

Even if you’re in the midst of a marital rut, you won’t be in it forever. The hard times and stresses of marriage can feel like the most difficult thing you’ve ever experienced, but it’s worth remembering that marriage takes hard work to flourish. Your rut won’t solve itself, but you can start working toward growth and renewal at any time, and making small investments in your marriage can reap boundless rewards.

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