Before we get into things, I'd like to start by saying, the desire for a man to romantically pursue you, be it your husband, boyfriend, or crush, is not wrong. In fact, if you’re in a relationship, he should be doing this. But the thing is, we all go through seasons. We all have times in our lives when we are able to give and times when we need to be supported. Men are no different, and relying on them to satiate 100% of our romantic appetite isn't fair. The good news is that even if the male in your life is going through a hard or stressful time, we as females never actually have to go without. So, without further ado, here is how to prime your life (and the lives around you) for romance.
Romance, What Is It Actually?
When it comes to romance, I’ve found that many times you get what you give. We shouldn’t instruct others in the precise mode and method of the “proper” way to love us (where’s the fun in that?), and for a couple, romance comes and goes all on its own anyway; you can’t demand it. Because of this, a huge part of romance is that it’s not there all the time. Additionally, for our single friends, are they doomed to a life devoid of romance simply due to their single status? Most assuredly not! This is because “romance” is actually not a state that’s dependent on others, it’s dependent on our own state of mind. It’s dependent on how we choose to interpret the actions of others, and it hinges on how well and how creatively we choose to love them as well as ourselves. Romance is simply a choice, and thankfully, it’s a choice we are able to make, moment to moment, every single day. But how do we do that?
1. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
You know what’s not romantic? Drama. It’s really hard to get to know and appreciate someone who’s constantly flying off the handle. Not only that, it can be really draining for all parties involved. Romance is something that blossoms in tranquility, and if your sudden and severe mood swings are constantly churning up the water, that lotus flower will never bloom.
Letting the small bumps and bruises of everyday life steal your inner peace is no way to live. So, whenever you feel the tension building inside you, stop and ask yourself, is this very romantic of me? Do I really want to allow this inconsequential inconvenience to steal my joy? Or would I rather focus on everything that’s gone right and everything I do have?
2. Keep a Gratitude Journal
There is nothing more romantic than gratitude. Just think about it: When have you felt the most romanced in your life? Probably when someone was appreciating you, right? So how much more romantic could we make our own lives by simply appreciating them more? When we start to notice how pleasurable certain aspects of our day-to-day lives are, we begin to find sanctuary in them. Revel in the smell of our daily cup of coffee, the feel of our baby’s cheek against ours, and the familiar touch of our lover's hand instead of letting these moments slip away. The day-to-day things we typically take for granted should be magnified and treasured.
3. Create a Routine With Lovely Rituals
One of the best ways to learn how to be romantic (and possibly receive romance in return) is to learn how to romance yourself. I find this skill is best honed through little rituals. You can make them as lavish and elegant as you like, or simple and sweet. The important thing is to learn the art of womanly pursuit.
We women are particular creatures, and it’s because of this choosiness that we have the unique ability to create moods and aesthetics. Compared to men, we are also more in tune with our emotions and, as a result, we have an innate understanding of not only how to empathize with the feelings of others, but how to influence them as well.
For many men, the subtle art of romance does not come easily. They are not as equipped as we are. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, when a man's wife or girlfriend desires to be romanced, it can be vexing. There are two reasons why romantic ritual is important:
We shouldn’t force our men into being something they aren’t. That being said, we can influence them toward romantic proclivity if they really want to and are willing to observe how we cultivate romance for ourselves within our internal world.
However, sometimes romance is oil and our man, water. The two simply will not mix. They’re just too different. It's up to us then to decide how much this matters. Is it so large an issue that we find him incompatible? Or is this a trait we are willing to live with? And if so, will we be content to tend to our own romantic needs? Romantic rituals are almost more important to develop if you find yourself in this situation, as denying your needs in this arena would be to essentially kill a valuable aspect of your feminine psyche.
Either way, a lovely ritual such as bathing with botanicals and salts in the evenings or drinking coffee with frothed milk and spices on top by candlelight in the mornings, can only serve to bring more romance into your life and make your day that much rosier.
4. Surround Yourself With Beauty
Beauty is always romantic, so seek to collect it. Whether it’s poetry, art, music, a tastefully appointed home, fresh flowers, or clothes, figure out which forms of beauty speak to your soul most and gather them close to you.
Beauty is a constant reminder that romance does, in fact, exist even when life has been less than civilized. It offers solace and shelter to the feminine heart, and it always inspires us toward our best qualities. Even when times are good, it invites us to make them even better by offering up our own beauty to the world and those we love.
5. Get Enough Sleep
Zombie and romance don't go together. We’re all familiar with the effect of a good (or a bad) night's sleep can have on our mood and attitude. So it goes without saying, it’s hard to feel romantically inclined when your nerves feel frayed and all you can think about is a nap or that next cup of coffee.
Additionally, romance and optimism thrive together. And I don’t know about you, but when I’m sleep deprived, I’m usually not feeling my most optimistic, pleasant self.
6. Make Your Thoughts Good, True, and Beautiful
How do you talk to yourself? When you mess up, do you speak kindly? Or are you berating yourself for the rest of the day? How do you talk about others in the seclusion of your own mind? Do you gossip? Do you lean towards pessimism? What do you believe about the will and motivations of others? Do you try to give the benefit of the doubt where appropriate? Or when others make mistakes, do you immediately chalk it all up to ill intention and malevolence?
How we think about the world and the individuals around us reflects the condition of our heart. If we lean toward negativity and anxiety, are quick to jump to conclusions, are slow to forgive and reach understanding, then most likely we’re not doing well. And, I'm sorry to say, likely not ready for romance.
In order for romance to take root in our lives, we need to rise above the chaos of the everyday. We can’t achieve that feeling of “remoteness” unless we can somehow be in the world, but not of it. That’s why we need to train our minds to focus on what’s good, true, and beautiful. It takes a lot of mindfulness, but once you get the hang of being the quiet observer of your thoughts, I promise you’ll start to see romance peeking around every corner.
6. Make Sure Your Home Is Clean and Tidy
A clean and decluttered space makes for a calm and organized mind. Science has proven that when we clean our house, our body releases endorphins (otherwise known as happy hormones). These little friends not only reduce cortisol and, therefore, stress, but they also help relieve pain too. The Princeton Neuroscience Institute noted in its study on visual stimuli that too many items in view can decrease our ability to process and focus, leading to overstimulation and stress. Because of this, it has also been noticed that a clean home promotes a sense of control over your own life.
All of these benefits create an environment primed for romance. So if you’re looking for more romance in the bedroom, or just in your home in general, try cleaning it up!
8. Have a Fulfilling Hobby
When we are not internally fulfilled, it’s easy to look to others to fulfill us, and that's simply not fair to them or to yourself. It’s too much of a task for one individual to take on, and it’s a situation that will only set us up for constant disappointment and dissatisfaction. Pain is another difficult, almost impossible, environment for romance to flourish in. It causes us to doubt others as well as ourselves, and it makes us put up walls where bridges should be. This is where a hobby, job, or social circle can come into play. All of these things force us to look beyond ourselves, and a hobby, specifically, fosters creativity. Humans are naturally designed to create, especially females, so that’s why I recommend hobbies to all my girlfriends looking for romance.
Also, a man is more likely to pursue a fulfilled girl, someone who is complete all on her own. This is because couples aren’t meant to “complete” each other, they’re meant to complement.
9. Be Present
It’s hard to notice romance if you’re not actually living in the present. Dwelling on the past blinds us to the present moment, and worrying about (or even looking forward to) the future distracts us from the current events as they are now. Both the past and the perceived future can color our present in hues that aren’t actually there. This is why it’s so important to stay present.
Additionally, if we are preoccupied with thoughts that take us away from the present moment, we could miss romance unfolding before our very eyes. Every single day, romance is happening all around us, but are we taking the time and cultivating the presence of mind to notice it?
10. Be the Good in Other People's Lives
We’ve all run into women who have made us feel extra special and cared for in just the few moments we've spent with them. I used to come across these women and simply think, What a beautiful human being. What a special talent. But now, I’ve realized that I can actually be that person for someone else. I can make other women feel just as special and unique as I was made to feel. For me, it takes a lot of practice. As an introvert, instant hospitality isn’t something that comes naturally to me, and that’s ok. Maybe you find yourself in the same boat. The beauty of humanity and femininity at large is that we all have different gifts that we can bring to the table, different ways we can make the world a better place. Think about what your special gift might be and set about “gifting” whatever that is to everyone you come into contact with, every day. Use that beautiful talent of yours to actively make the world more romantic.
The desire to be romanced and pursued by a man isn’t wrong. It’s a perfectly feminine and healthy desire. All I’m saying is that if you’ve tried talking to your man about it and he’s not in a season where he can fulfill that need for you, or if you’re single and all you can think about is just how much you want to be chased after, then maybe it’s time to pursue yourself, to make yourself someone worthy of pursuit, and to pursue others with the very love you so desire.
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