Why You Need To Stop Venting About Your Husband

It feels gratifying in the moment, but is it a good idea to vent about your husband?

By Keelia Clarkson2 min read
shutterstock-2146239269 - Yuri A/Shutterstock

You don’t need to be married for all that long to know that marriage isn’t always easy. Melding your life with someone else’s, taking his needs into account, and learning how to love him well takes effort.

As much as you love your husband, there will be times when it feels more difficult to get along, when you’re disagreeing more often than you used to, when he’s getting on your nerves, and when you just want to vent to someone — anyone.

Venting about your husband might feel incredibly good in the moment. It’s satisfying to unload every thought you’ve had on someone else (maybe to your friend, your mom, or your coworker) and voice every complaint that’s been building up over the past few months. But is it helpful to vent about your husband in the long run? 

Here’s How Venting Will Impact Your Marriage

As gratifying as it feels to vent about however your husband has been bothering you lately (for something as simple as leaving his socks on the floor or even something more serious), making a habit of speaking negatively about your husband will end up harming your relationship.

Venting opens up your marriage and your husband to one-sided judgment, turning whomever you’re complaining to against him and more likely to reinforce these feelings in the future. While it’s normal to get annoyed from time to time with your spouse, unloading a whole laundry list of grievances will give others a perception of him that lacks context and nuance, which is unfair to him and betrays his trust in you.

But the person you’re venting to won’t be the only one who begins to see your husband in a different light. Creating a habit of speaking badly about your husband will only cause you to approach every interaction with a negative, unforgiving posture. The more “normal” it becomes for you to talk about him unfavorably, the more you’ll actually see him unfavorably.

What To Do instead of Venting

None of this changes the fact that you’ll still have things to complain about sometimes, and those feelings need to be processed. So, if you know it’s not wise to vent about him to friends or family, what is wise to do instead?

Ideally, you can gently talk to your husband about what’s been bothering you, communicating from a desire of wanting to improve the relationship’s dynamics rather than a desire to shame, lecture, or admonish him. You can approach this by letting him know there’s something you’d like to discuss, and clearly yet kindly expressing to him what his actions have made you feel. 

You might also consider speaking with a professional counselor who could assist you both in healthily handling your emotions and figuring out how to communicate effectively with your husband.

What If You’re the One Being Vented To?

What if you’re the one on the receiving end of the venting session? Your friend/mom/sister-in-law’s feelings are important to you, and you want to be there for her, but you can’t help notice that every time she brings her husband up, it’s to complain about him, and it’s beginning to make you uncomfortable. What should you do?

Assuming she isn’t opening up to you about genuinely abusive behavior (in which case, it’s crucial to take her seriously), but instead, unloading a list of petty grievances, you can politely cut her off when you find the right moment. 

Encourage her to talk to her husband in order to clear things up, or to seek professional help from someone who can actually offer her tools to better her marriage rather than simply a place to dump all of her frustrations. Lead her in the direction of wanting to improve her marriage rather than promoting consistent negative talk.

Closing Thoughts

Marriage isn’t easy. We all get frustrated with our spouse, and it’s natural to seek solace by venting about him, but this will only create an unhealthy pattern of resentment, turn others against him, and create distance in your marriage over time.

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