Why Some Of Your Friends Secretly Want You To Fail

I've witnessed it firsthand, and if you're honest, you probably have too. Women can be our greatest allies or our most insidious saboteurs. Jealousy simmers beneath compliments, and subtle sabotage masquerades as “tough love.” This isn't just petty drama, though. It's a toxic dynamic that erodes self-worth and lives. And here's something: it's worlds apart from how men navigate their friendships, where loyalty often trumps rivalry.

Take this real-life moment that still makes my blood boil. I was sipping coffee in a cozy Brooklyn cafe, minding my own business, when two younger women at the next table launched into a conversation so loud it was impossible to ignore. One, let's call her the “advisor,” was dishing out relationship wisdom to her softer-spoken friend. “I think you should have two more situationships before you settle down,” she declared with the confidence of a guru. Then came the “what?” line: “I seriously hope they're horrible and you get treated poorly so you appreciate the next good one.” Her friend, wide-eyed and tentative, said, “Oh… how long do you think they should last?” The advisor shrugged: “I don’t know. Until they fizzle out or something.” In an attempt at reciprocity, the quieter one said, “Ok… well, my hope for you is the next one you find you marry.” The advisor responded, “Well, now I feel bad.” It was the saddest exchange I'd possibly ever overheard, cloaked in friendship but reeking of sabotage.

If your “friend” is steering you toward trouble and heartbreak under the guise of advice, she's no friend at all.

If your “friend” is steering you toward trouble and heartbreak under the guise of advice, she's no friend at all. This isn't empowerment. It's envy in action. She wasn't rooting for her friend's happiness. She was prescribing pain to keep her in check. And this is the dark underbelly of some female friendships: a cocktail of jealousy that leads to deliberate undermining.

Why does this happen more among women? Societal pressures play a role. From girlhood, we're pitted against each other in a zero-sum game of beauty, success, and love. Social media amplifies the comparison trap. Who's got the glow-up? The dream job? The perfect husband? In this arena, a friend's win can feel like your loss. Jealousy builds, manifesting as backhanded compliments (“You look great, for your age”), gossip disguised as concern (“I'm just worried about her choices”), or outright sabotage, like discouraging a promotion because it might eclipse your own stalled career.

I've seen it in my circles: a woman lands a killer opportunity, and instead of cheers, her “bestie” plants seeds of doubt. “Are you sure you're ready? It might be too much stress.” Translation: don’t outshine me. Or worse, the friend who flirts with your crush at a party, then gaslights you: “I was just being friendly!” This isn't sisterhood, ladies. It's survival of the sneakiest. Research from psychologists like Dr. Irene Levine, author of Best Friends Forever, backs this up. Women's friendships often involve deeper emotional intimacy, which can breed vulnerability and volatility. When insecurity strikes, that closeness becomes a weapon.

Women's friendships often involve deeper emotional intimacy, which can breed vulnerability and volatility.

I recently indulged in my guilty pleasure: the latest season of Emily in Paris. In case you aren't familiar, the series follows an American woman who relocates to the City of Light, navigating a shiny career and romantic entanglements. However, beneath the surface, it often feels more like a showcase for toxic female dynamics, from Emily's so-called friends who undermine her and she undermines at every turn, to her workplace boss who creates a cesspool of jealousy and betrayal.

This season was no exception, brimming with backstabbing, secrets, boyfriend-stealing, and outright hostility, including from her female boss, who treats Emily like the dirt on her Jimmy Choos. Spoiler alert: the audacity peaks when Emily's firm pitches an advertising campaign to L'Oréal inspired by her Parisian love interests. The client rejects it for not being “empowering” enough for women, prompting her boss to pivot to a focus on female friendships as the true source of strength.

Ironically, the show completely overlooks how these very “friendships” in Emily's life are the most disempowering elements, rife with toxicity that drags everyone down. If anything, her romantic escapades provide the real empowerment, offering growth, excitement, and self-discovery. Yet the fictional L'Oréal campaign, and the characters themselves, gaslight the audience into believing that these dysfunctional bonds are aspirational. It's just another way Hollywood spins a narrative, diminishing the value of Emily's love stories in favor of glorifying the toxic friendships that dominate the plot.

In discussions about women in the workforce, the prevailing narrative often blames men for holding women back through unfair treatment or bias. But in my experience, and from what I've heard from many other women, the most toxic dynamics often stem from female colleagues and superiors, fueled by jealousy and competition. I've been promised promotions only to see them awarded to others, endured backstabbing, and even had a senior manager deliberately rearrange my shifts to complicate my life out of sheer envy. It has actually always been the men I've worked with who have consistently been the most supportive, encouraging, and fair.

If you ask most women candidly, they'll echo the same sentiment. We're constantly gaslit into believing that female workplace relationships are inherently empowering, with women uplifting one another, but that's far from the reality. If we truly want to foster greater support for women at work, it's we women who must take the lead by treating each other with more kindness, respect, and solidarity.

Toxicity thrives in the shadows of unaddressed envy.

Contrast female dynamics with male friendships, which tend to operate on a different wavelength. Guys bond over shared activities, sports, gaming, barbecues, where competition is overt and resolved quickly. A buddy might joke about a bad date, but he's unlikely to wish you romantic ruin to feel superior. Men's conflicts are often straightforward: a punch-up, metaphorically or literally, then drinks and backslaps. No lingering grudges or passive-aggressive texts. Evolutionary psychologists suggest this stems from ancestral roles. Men hunted in packs, valuing direct loyalty for survival, while women gathered in communities where subtle social maneuvering ensured resources. Whatever the roots, the result is clear: male friendships emphasize camaraderie over comparison, making them less prone to toxic jealousy.

But don't despair. We can change this. First, spot the red flags. Does your friend celebrate your successes with genuine joy, or does she get weird? Is her advice uplifting, or does it clip your wings? True friends challenge you to grow, not fall. If she's perpetually negative about your love life, career, or style, ask why. Often, it's her unresolved envy projecting onto you.

To build healthier bonds, seek women who embody an abundance mentality, the belief that there's enough success, love, and spotlight for everyone. Surround yourself with those who lift you up. Set boundaries. Politely call out sabotage (“That comment hurt. Let’s talk about it.”) and distance yourself if needed. Remember, it's okay to outgrow friendships that no longer serve you.

In a world that seems like it stacks the deck against us, the last thing we need is a “friend” handing out daggers.

And let's not forget self-reflection. Are you the toxic one? Jealousy is human, but unchecked, it poisons us all. Practice gratitude journaling or therapy to root out insecurities. If you work with women, make an effort to treat them with compassion and respect, understanding that if everyone succeeds, the collective succeeds.

Envy is a fascinating emotion, and there's a profound reason it's counted among the seven deadly sins. We feel envy when we're disconnected from life's true essence. Each of us is on our own unique journey. My path isn't yours, and yours isn't hers. When you recognize that you have your own individual path, complete with its own lessons to learn, it becomes much easier to view another person's story and cheer them on.

Though we are all interconnected, with our thoughts and actions influencing one another, we each have our personal voyage to undertake. Remembering this can dispel the envy in your heart, allowing you to see that you're meant to support your friends. Encourage them, and in the process, you may find inspiration to become the best version of yourself on your own journey.

As we build inner strength, humility, and confidence, we attract strong alliances in friendship and the workplace.

In the end, female friendships can be magical. Think late-night heart-to-hearts and unwavering support through breakups and breakthroughs. But toxicity thrives in the shadows of unaddressed envy. By choosing wisely and valuing authenticity, we can build bonds that empower rather than erode. After all, in a world that seems like it stacks the deck against us, the last thing we need is a “friend” handing out daggers.