When And How To Have “The Sex Talk” With Your Boyfriend

Having a serious discussion about when you may or may not be having sex with your boyfriend presents an awkward challenge and raises a lot of unanswered questions.

By Jenny White3 min read
Pexels/Nazila Azimzada

Many women are primarily concerned about the image they may unwittingly portray in being sexual with a man for the first time. And they tend to find themselves backed into two unfairly distinct corners: prude or promiscuous. 

There’s a lot of pressure on women to avoid appearing prudish or promiscuous, as both tend to be frowned upon by men. If men see you as a prude, you may be deemed unskillful and unadventurous in bed. If you are promiscuous, you may be deemed an untrustworthy partner with the potential to be disloyal and unfaithful.

To add insult to injury, there are a multitude of factors involved concerning the place, time, and context of when and how you should even begin to have this discussion with your boyfriend. 

How can you approach having “the sex talk” with a man, and when is it wise to do so? How can the conversation go more smoothly so that you both may feel seen, heard, and understood in your relationship regarding sex and intimacy? 

What Is His Primary Attitude Toward Consummating Your Relationship?

A man will reveal his intentions and motivations concerning your relationship with regard to sex in a variety of ways. 

One major problem I’m seeing among many women is men “guilting” them into having sex. In my previous Evie article entitled, “What to Do If Your Boyfriend is Pressuring You to Have Sex," I highlighted the fact that this type of sexual pressure tends to derive from men who are effeminate and less masculine than you might realize. If he is pressuring you for sex, you have to consider why. Why is it so important for him to have sex with you sooner rather than later? If you feel that he is pressuring you, you are being put in a very tough spot by a manipulative man trying to coerce you into having sex.

But what if he is not pressuring you? What if the subject of sex has yet to come up, and it is you who desires to clear the air and voice your concerns?

His not approaching you with “the sex talk” is a good sign that he genuinely loves and cares for you and will respect your decision to wait. And he will likely be open to discussing it in an honest, direct, and mature manner where you can then decide when the time would be right for you both to have sex. 

Always take into consideration his attitude toward you in consummating the relationship. This will shed light on his values and belief system. And also whether he will judge you as prudish or promiscuous because he sees well beyond the act of sex itself in your relationship.

Do You Feel He Is Trustworthy? 

Any great and lasting relationship will always be based on trust. You should be able to have full trust in him when you choose to sit down and discuss the importance of sex in your relationship. 

Eightify featured a video by “Stephan Speaks” revealing some early signs that you can trust a man: “A man can be trusted if he learns from past relationships, communicates openly, and is willing to have difficult discussions, making you feel comfortable talking to him without judgment or discomfort.”

Furthermore, he goes on to advise that “Trustworthy men have quality relationships, good character, and are liked by others.”

Thus, look closely at his willingness to have the more difficult discussions with you overall, not just those centered on sex. When arguments arise, is he one to walk away and avoid the conflict or is he willing to talk things out in a mature manner to compromise or come to an agreement? Look at his track record with women as well. How did things end with his most recent ex? Does he talk badly about her to you? If so, that's a red flag to be aware of.

Any man who loves and values you can offer you trust and can also extend himself to you without judgment or making you feel uncomfortable.

Any man who loves and values you can offer you trust and can also extend himself to you without judgment and without making you feel uncomfortable. You especially shouldn’t feel that you have to walk on eggshells and tiptoe around the subject of sex. 

If he’s trustworthy, it’s a good indicator he isn’t going to judge you or think poorly of you as a prudish or promiscuous woman when he’s ready to have this important discussion with you.

Speak Honestly to Him About Your Decision

Open communication is also key in any loving relationship. Trust, as mentioned above, likewise falls in line with being able to mutually communicate your wants and needs sexually to one another.

If you feel you may struggle a bit in broaching the subject when it comes time to sit down with him and discuss having sex, try the sandwich technique to ease a bit of the tension and to make it feel less confrontational and less loaded. You can say to him, “I’m so attracted to you and love the idea of having sex with you. But I don’t think I am ready just yet. You truly drive me crazy, and it’s been very hard for me to say no, but I hope you can understand that it makes me feel very vulnerable.”

Then explain to him how much you love, respect, and admire him and have these deep feelings for him. This will also prompt him to want to be more frank and honest with you because he will also feel mutually safe in the discussion.

He should then be able to proceed in revealing how he feels about you desiring to wait. And more importantly, respecting your decision to wait while offering his reassurance and understanding. 

Closing Thoughts

Addressing “the sex talk” in your relationship with your boyfriend doesn’t have to be too risky or awkward when you are both able to be honest with each other and fully communicate your needs and expectations. 

And a good boyfriend who thinks highly of you, loves you, and cares for you isn’t going to back you into a corner and judge you as prudish or promiscuous, or pressure you into changing your mind. 

Sooner or later, the subject of sex is bound to come up. And his trustworthiness and willingness to have this discussion will help bridge that gap. Thus, it’s important to consider, above all, do you trust him and is he honest with you? If so, then you should be able to talk about sex. 

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