What To Do If Your Boyfriend Is Pressuring You To Have Sex

It’s exhausting and can even be hurtful when a man is pressuring you for sex long before you feel you may be ready for intimacy.

By Jenny White4 min read
Pexels/Victoria Strelka_ph

It can also be confusing as to why a man who claims he cares about you doesn’t seem to respect your decision to wait. You may even begin asking yourself just what are his motivations behind pressuring you? 

How is he treating you if you refuse? Is he guilting you? Throwing tantrums? If so, this can be classified as sexual coercion, and unsurprisingly, many women find themselves neck deep in the following scenario: “However, he expected it; throwing tantrums at times when I would say no, punching the bed, and making accusations: ’No wonder I’m never home, this is why I stay out so late… You wonder why I watch so much porn.’ This pattern of blaming and guilting me into sex had started earlier on, in our teens, where he would use non-physical tactics to get what he wanted: ‘If you loved me, you would do it… Other girls are doing it, don’t be so boring.’ The insinuated threat of him cheating on me, giving me the silent treatment for days, or the situation escalating into a full-blown argument is what made this behavior ‘effective.’ I would ‘give in’ to sex out of fear and guilt.”

Needless to say, this form of sexual coercion is abuse. It’s manipulation. It’s also a testament to his lack of masculinity (with some truly eye-opening revelations on that below). It’s coercive control with little regard for your safety, well-being, and even your own sexual pleasure.

A man pressuring you for sex is always a bad sign. Let’s find out why…

Say No As a Litmus Test To See Where He Really Stands with You

As a relationship coach, I’ve been encouraging both men and women to push the envelope in their dealings with the opposite sex. People seem to believe they can get away scot-free with treating people very badly, and sexual coercion is just one prime example among many. Thus, when you can stress a man out a little bit by saying no, you will soon discover his real intentions for you

Start by saying no to him. Be honest and tell him you’re not ready and why. Then, wait patiently and intently for his reaction. 

If a man truly cares about you, he will stop pressuring you. He will want you to desire him when you are ready and willing. He will want you to yearn for him without having to twist your arm, twist your words, or twist up some fantastic fable about how “that’s what women should do for men, and they need to stop being prudes.”

A very good sign a man truly loves you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship is he will respect your desire to wait for sex. 

A very good sign a man truly loves you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship is he will respect your desire to wait for sex. He will take his foot off the gas pedal and stop pressuring you for sex altogether. In other words, his behavior toward you will change in a more promising way in which he won’t want to make you feel so uncomfortable that he could potentially lose you. 

But a man who doesn’t care about losing you? Your decision not to have sex with him will always be a source of contention. And his pressuring you will not cease. That is, until he finally gives up, leaves, and finds another woman he can pressure into sex.

What If He Has a Real Problem with Waiting, and Where Does This Problem Stem From?

Relationship coach Kyle Benson penned an article for The Mind’s Journal suggesting that sexual coercion from men stems from feeling inadequate and needy in their masculinity: “Man’s dependence makes him powerless and less desirable. In a relationship like this, women often have a paradoxical experience: They feel inadequate, yet powerful. When Marie was angry with James, she could jerk James’s leash by not responding, turning him into a needy boy desperate to validate his masculinity. When she wasn’t angry, his little boy’s neediness was unattractive. His pressure to increase Marie’s sexual desire made him powerless. It pushed their relationship into sexual gridlock. Frequent invitations allowed Marie to remain passive. She could have as much sex as she wanted, when she wanted, without ever initiating it.”

It’s curious to consider that your boyfriend’s sexual coercion is the result of him being inept and not knowing how to make you desire him of your own volition as a woman. 

A negative dynamic begins to unfold where the man now feels emasculated and is the subject of a woman’s whims, and she can keep him sexually controlled. 

No masculine man is going to allow himself to be sexually controlled by a woman. Thus, it may make sense to ponder whether your boyfriend is truly as masculine as you think he is. And whether he’s truly able to seduce you with his sheer maleness without having to pressure you. 

Any man you desire to be intimate with as a woman will be irresistible to you without any sexual pressure from him. And often, it will be you yourself who will want to initiate intimacy because you truly desire him, not because he’s throwing a tantrum like a man baby because he didn’t get his member stroked after all his coercive whining. 

You May Have To Dump Him and End the Relationship

You may very well be dealing with an effeminate man who has no impulse control, who can’t keep his sexual urges under restraint, and therefore can’t inspire you to want to be intimate with him just by virtue of him being all you could ever desire in a man.

If you no longer feel safe communicating with your boyfriend about how you feel, that is a red flag.

In taking all of the above into consideration, you may have to ask yourself just what kind of man you’re dealing with. A man who would be a good boyfriend, a good husband, and a good lover shouldn’t have to pressure you for a single thing. And the truth is, he won’t. As a woman in all your femininity, you will want to please him in all aspects of his very existence. He will be the apple of your eye, and wanting to serve him sexually and otherwise will be an instinct that comes very naturally to you.

Irrespective of whether he’s masculine or not, the following is important to remember: "If your partner is behaving in a way that consistently makes you feel guilty for saying no or disagreeing, that is a red flag. If you no longer feel safe communicating with your partner about how you feel, that is a red flag. If you can feel deep down in your gut that something is wrong, you are right. You are worthy of feeling safe. You are worthy of being heard. You are worthy of respect.”

Closing Thoughts

If a man resorts to pressuring you for sex, you may need to open your eyes and look much more closely at the man himself. Beneath the surface, he may not be the man you even envisioned yourself having a relationship with, much less a sexually intimate one. 

The right man for you won’t pressure you for sex because he won’t have to. You’ll desire him regardless and also cherish him in other ways because he’s just that great at being a man. 

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