Undressing Toxic Purity Culture: Why It Does More Harm Than Good

One of the earliest memories I have of being directly indoctrinated with the belief that my body and its natural inclinations were dirty stemmed from an incident toward the end of eighth grade in a very small private school. One of my classmates had started a rumor about herself – that she had gotten pregnant by a student in the next grade up who had since moved on to a separate high school. This resulted in a very intense meeting with my entire class and our parents, which sent the message to our adolescent brains that even though this incident proved false, getting pregnant or being sexual is a horrible thing – not so different from homicide or other crimes. To nail this point home even further, my class lost our locker privileges so we wouldn’t have time between classes to start more rumors (a decree I rebelled against because, even at 14, I knew that was unfair). Purity culture attempts to maintain the sanctity of physical intimacy, but it actually does the opposite by creating disempowered, hypersexual beings that have no real agency to manage their normal, biological urges. Many sugar-coated “modesty” talks in girls’ Bible study groups and conferences during my formative years also caused me to feel dirty in my body just for existing. The science behind sex and biology, and the social norms that have developed around unrealistic and unhealthy expectations, should be discussed more. While both men and women can be affected by toxic purity culture , it unquestionably has done more damage to women and girls. What Spawned Purity Culture The AIDS epidemic is mostly to blame for the panic and fear-mongering that plagued the world in the 1980s and 1990s. From there, purity rings, purity balls, and all kinds of ridiculous, cult-like activity followed that had no regard for the fact that humans are inherently sexual beings. As groundbreaking sex-positive author Sheila Wray Gregoire addresses, it’s not a switch that can be turned on or off randomly on your wedding night. The Psychological and Social Effects of Purity Culture Aside from the crippling self-loathing and constant fear of getting publicly shamed, there are plenty of other pieces of purity culture trauma. For one, the idea that we all harbor pieces of our inner child within us can affect the way we perceive ourselves. Something that is so ingrained in us is the need to be sexual. It’s literally in our DNA, as psychologist John Bradshaw explains, and as children, we develop our sexuality from how safe we feel in our early relationships. Denying these normal feelings – or even demonizing them – is a major contributor to deep emotional wounds. Purity culture corrupts not only how people view themselves, but also how they date. Purity culture conditioning can also develop into a fear of dating, manifested by only chasing less attractive people because of a perceived lower chance of “slipping up.” Plus, the “dating for marriage” attitude places far too much pressure on young adults to force relationships to progress quickly and intensely. They might also act more recklessly after being energetically stifled for so long. Long story short, purity culture corrupts not only how people view themselves, but also how they date. The modesty argument is also a big part of why purity culture doesn’t work. Why would anyone think that a person, who has been told their entire life that their body is shameful, would be able to feel comfortable in their skin long enough to enjoy (or even be able to partake in) sex? The Physical Effects of Purity Culture Believe it or not, there are some frustrating physical issues that can crop up from exposure to purity culture as well. The biggest one is easily how 22.6% of women experience vaginismus (being too tight for penetration, which causes pain). This is a difficult struggle that often requires a combination of pelvic floor therapy and counseling to treat, because let’s face it – sex is terrifying when it’s something you’ve been told to avoid like the plague until the altar. This is both physically and emotionally painful when you feel like you did everything right and yet find yourself suffering. Orgasms can also be tougher to attain when you still feel “dirty” and “shameful” from all the indoctrination that you were force-fed over the years. Plus, the lack of sex education can increase the risk of STDs and unplanned pregnancy – which can be easily prevented with open dialogue. While purity culture affects both genders, it’s safe to say that women bear the brunt of the judgment and shame due to outdated modesty implications and cultural expectations. Until men are held to higher standards of respect and women are taught how to advocate for themselves and their needs, nothing will change. Proper education is the key ingredient for freedom from the learned sexual guilt and shame. Why People Shame Others About Their Sexuality I think most people, at least privately, recognize that purity culture is more damaging than it is helpful. But due to their own pride and ignorance, it’s hard for them to let go (and they might even try to drag you back in). I’ve seen it in my own life – once I started to question the validity of such a mindset, I was met with some (understandable) skepticism. When purity culture is all you’ve known, it can be really scary to be open to the possibility of a healthier way of life – but it’s a crucial step if you want to reclaim your sexuality and ensure your future well-being. That’s why I hope to see more articles like this in the future. Maybe others will start to see how wrong this approach to purity is, listen to the purity culture statistics, and think twice before corrupting the next generation. Deconstruction is painful, but necessary. Closing Thoughts Believe it or not, I still see many benefits of waiting for marriage (and I still plan to myself). There’s no chance of getting pregnant without committed support, no STDs, and a unique closeness enhanced by a serious commitment. I also believe that proper education is the key ingredient for freedom from the learned sexual guilt and shame (because we aren’t born with that). You can’t make a decision about something you don’t fully understand – and I don’t want to see the next generation go through what I did. While I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’ve decided that for my future family, toxic purity culture ends with me – because I will be sharing nothing but God’s unconditional love and the cold, hard truth. 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