The Shamelessly Shallow Guide To Being A Barbie Girl

If, like us, you grew up with an iconic Barbie Dreamhouse, admiring the shamelessly hot couple that Barbie and Ken were in the ‘90s, we’re about 90% sure you’ve been making Barbie your entire personality over the past several weeks. Welcome to the club, girlie.

By Anna Hartman3 min read
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IMDb/Barbie (2023)

While Amy Schumer’s feminist take on the iconic figure in Hollywood’s newest rendition will be sorely missed, we're sure… we must say, Margot Robbie, with her platinum blonde hair, knockout body, and dazzling demeanor, may just be more of what we were imagining. So, in honor of the July 21 premiere, we’ve created a shamelessly shallow guide to being a Barbie Girl (like the one you played with as a little girl – not the PC version we’re prepared to see). 

If you want to learn how to live life in plastic (minus the BPAs), get out your fluffy pink pen and scribble down some notes. Come on, Barbie, let’s go party.  

Paint Your Entire House (or at least an Accent Wall) Pink

Bring out the Behr paint cans and tell Ken to get to work. You can’t be a Barbie Girl without a hot pink backdrop to film your GRWMs against – at the very least. Barbie’s got a signature dreamhouse in every major city in the U.S. now. Sure, they’re virtual, but that shouldn’t stop you from spending every last dime you have to transform your house to fit this fleeting, entirely impractical home decor trend. 

Buy Fun Aesthetic-Focused Furniture That Serves No Practical Purpose

To be honest, it doesn’t really matter if your pink stove doesn’t work and your refrigerator is a full pastel-colored plastic sheet of printed food. You’re not eating anyway, sweetie. Your bright pink, dense, tufted couch isn’t for sitting on either, it’s for looking – everyone knows that.

If Your Outfit Doesn’t Cost 10k a Day, We Don’t Want It

You got that? A Chanel quilted double flap is a must-have (the pink, purple, and blue versions are highly recommended), followed by a perfectly fitted feminine dress, accessories, and heels you wouldn’t even dream of walking in on a typical day. And each look should just magically appear in your closet every morning. Placed there by who? Well, that’s simply none of our concern.   

Don’t Even Think About Wearing Anything but Heels

The horror! It’s not like you have a job to commute to, or have to work out to stay in shape. Leave the androgynous Birkenstocks for the “goblin mode” girlies. Don’t forget that your evening shoes are equally as fabulous. They’re fluffy and pink and totally practical for bed. Sleeping with your toes at 90-degree angles is en vogue, didn’t you know? 

Snooze in Perfectly Steamed Silk PJs

A matching loungewear set? That’s amateur hour, ladies. Step it up a notch with silk – and make sure it’s the fancy, 100% silk kind, not the bargain mixed combo.

Get Clip-In Extensions So You Can Switch Up Your Hairstyle Often

Why stick to one chic hairstyle when you can have a sleek bob one day and wavy, mermaid hair the next? The blonde is non-negotiable, though. We want to keep things interesting, but not that interesting. 

Always Have a Feminine Hair Accessory To Wear

On the topic of keeping things interesting, it’s essential to have a wide range of hair accessories to match your perfectly styled outfits. Pink hair bow? Of course. Pink gingham sun hat? Not a question. Neon pink visor? Why not? Pink beret? Oui. 

Move to a Compound with Your Friends 

So you can wake up and wave to them without getting out of bed, obviously. This means you’re going to have to choose exceptionally wealthy friends, though, because we can’t have you living downtown among the smog and the peasants. 

Find a Man Who Exists Only To Provide You with Constant Love and Adoration

A man with his own dreams and purpose? As if! Also, it’s essential to make sure his name is Ken, or else it’s straight to the courthouse to nix his birth name. Sorry, I don’t make the rules!

Coordinate Outfits with Ken To Stay on Theme

Who cares if he hates looking like a beta? No masculine ‘fits for you, sir. We stay on theme around here. 

No Body Hair, Ever

Now this should be a no-brainer, but a Barbie Girl would never be caught dead with a single hair out of place, and that goes for her unmentionables too. Keep your waxer on speed dial, get full body laser hair removal, whatever you gotta do. Picture a naked mole rat. That’s you, Barbie Girl. 

Host Extravagant Dance Parties

The hostess with the mostess? That’s what Barbie Girls do best. Now, you’re certainly going to need to hire a caterer, bartenders, a florist, and a sick DJ, because with all of your other priorities (like brushing your iconic hair for an hour a day and learning the latest TikTok dance sequence), you’re not going to have time for those pesky responsibilities.

Fake Food Only

Who could risk getting spinach stuck between her teeth? Not you, Barbie Girl. Plus, you’ve obviously gotta keep up with that perfectly snatched figure. Just use your imagination and taste the juicy double cheeseburger with that cute little brain of yours. It’s gonna be plastic for you – no exceptions. 

Be Unapologetically Happy and Fun To Be Around 24/7

Everyone thinks about dying, Barbie – they just don’t say it out loud. Keep your childhood trauma between you and your pretty pink diary, and quit being a downer. 

Closing Thoughts

Now that we’ve armed you with all the info you need to become the Barbie Girl of your dreams, are you ready? Since Greta Gerwig’s new Barbie movie hasn’t hit the big screen yet, there’s no telling how Barbie’s story will turn out. Will she remain the flawless, aspirational icon we always imagined growing up as ‘90s kids, or will she evolve into a green-haired feminist, kicking Ken to the curb and telling little girls around the world to “choose themselves” by the time the credits roll around? Only time will tell. 

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