The Real Meaning Of Etiquette, According To An Expert

In this candid and surprisingly funny interview, bestselling author and nationally syndicated radio host Brant Hansen—whose latest book, Living Unoffended , arrives June 2026—joins forces with etiquette authority Alison Cheperdak. The founder of Elevate Etiquette, a popular Evie Magazine columnist , and the brilliant mind behind the upcoming Was It Something I Said (out March 17), Alison brings her practical wisdom on modern manners to millions each day. Brant leads a wide-ranging conversation that dives into the real-world impact of etiquette, from navigating the challenges of virtual meetings to strengthening family bonds and traveling with consideration. Together, they offer readers a compelling exploration of how kindness, respect, and genuine connection can transform our day-to-day lives. Brant: Do you know that it's intimidating to talk to somebody who's an etiquette expert? Alison: I've been told that before. I think people assume that an etiquette expert has really high standards or is judging them, but that's the farthest thing from the truth. I might have high standards, but I'm not judging people. Brant : Why etiquette? Why did you get into this in the first place? Alison: I got into this because my husband and I were engaged to be married, and I had all these wedding etiquette questions that I didn't know the answers to. So, my mom encouraged me to get my first etiquette book. At the time, I was working as a television news reporter and anchor. I found that emotional intelligence, soft skills, and just being able to make someone feel comfortable in an interview were incredibly powerful. Then I went on to practice law. I just kept seeing how there are all these little things under the umbrella of etiquette that are really helpful for relationships and for demonstrating your kindness. Brant: Is it just empathy? Is that what we're talking about, or is there more to it? Alison: Empathy is a huge part of it—empathy, respect, integrity, showing respect for yourself and for others. That's the heart of it. We don't memorize what fork to use just for the sake of memorizing what fork to use. It's about having a civil conversation and not having to worry about the little dining etiquette rules, if you will, so you can focus on the things that really matter: building conversations, connections, and relationships Brant: What's the deal with elbows on the table? Alison: Reasonable minds can differ on this one, but I don't recommend it because it undermines your posture. There are other ways to show that you're really engaged. Showing your hands and talking with your hands are great ways to show that you come in peace. We trust people more when we can see the palms of their hands. You can also rest your forearms on the table without resting your actual elbows. Brant: In your book, you even talked about Zoom etiquette. What are some things we should be aware of in the virtual meeting space? Alison: Well, a big one is that everything someone can see should be something you're intentional about. So, if you're not blurring your screen and people can see your background, that's an intentional choice—just like what you're wearing is an intentional choice. Showing up on time and looking professional also shows respect, not just for yourself, but also for the people you're meeting with. Brant: I want to ask you a specific question about something that can be uncomfortable for me. I have a neurological condition. My eyes move back and forth—I’ve had this my whole life—it’s called nystagmus, and that means when I’m not concentrating, I’m always shaking my head no. I want people to be at ease—to not even think about me, but to connect—yet the strike against me is that I already kind of have a stern look, and then I’m literally shaking my head no as I’m meeting people. Alison: The way that you come across is so disarming and so warm, and I didn't even notice. I say to anyone who perceives that they might have a neurodivergent experience, it probably feels way more obvious to you than it does to other people, because other people are not looking for that. There are other ways that you can engage, and you're someone who's really warm and really authentic, and you're a great listener—an active listener. Those are the things that people are going to notice before they notice any little mannerism that you might be sensitive about. Brant : I actually was wondering about the airport experience now, because I believe you said that there’s no bigger gap in culture than between the people who are working there—who are, in some cases, wearing ties and dresses—and travelers wearing pajamas and slippers. Alison: When you're going on an airplane, you need to remember that we're all in this together, and you don't know other people's stories—like who is going to a funeral, who has had a million flights canceled and delayed, or who is traveling with little kids as a single parent. When in doubt, try to be kind, and then try to be the best traveler that you can be by being prepared. Brant: I was thinking about etiquette in the family, like in the home. It's incredibly important, but we rarely think about it—we always think about entertaining outsiders. Talk to me about that and the importance of it. Alison: A big mistake about etiquette is believing it’s performative or that it only matters in formal or expensive scenarios, when really, the people we’re with the most—our family, loved ones, and close friends—they deserve to be treated with just as much respect as anybody else. Etiquette is not about being perfect, but about having grace within your family. Leading with kindness and compassion is so, so important. It’s easy for the people who are closest to us to get what’s left of us rather than the best of us. Brant: You talked about essentially being hospitable, whether you're the host or the guest, like you come with the same attitude as if you're the host. Talk about that. Alison: I think the key to being a great host is to think like a guest, and the key to being a great guest is to think like a host. We're all in this together. If you are a host, you should ask yourself what would make your guests feel really loved and comfortable. As a guest, you want to be easygoing and helpful, but you also don't want to be overwhelming by insisting on helping if the host declines. Just try to be a good sport and make others feel comfortable and welcome. Brant: I told my son when he was a teenager that if I could do it over again, I would learn socially. I would feign some confidence just to put people at ease in a social situation. Putting people at ease is an act of mercy, and it does help socially, right? Alison: Definitely. Especially because we can only focus on so many things at once. For someone who has a lot of social anxiety, if you can redirect that energy from thinking, "Oh my goodness, what am I going to say next?" or "What does everybody think about me?" and instead focus on how you can make the other person more comfortable and welcome, then you won't have the emotional bandwidth to dwell on your own anxieties. You'll be so focused on this other person and being kind to them. Brant: Who should read this? Alison: It's for anyone who wants to be kind, not because they have to, but because they want to. This book is a roadmap. So, if you've ever wondered, "Is it something I said? Is it something I did?” in a professional setting, in a personal setting, in any aspect of your life—this book is for you. Brant Hansen is a bestselling author ( Unoffendable and The Men We Need , among others) and a nationally syndicated radio host. His work has been featured in the outlets like Washington Post, Irish Times, CNN.com, and multiple times on ABC's "Good Morning America." His podcast, "Brant and Sherri Oddcast", has been downloaded more than 19 million times. Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, an internationally certified etiquette coach, and a sought-after speaker. Her expertise in modern manners and executive presence has been featured in outlets like Vogue, The Washington Post, and Fox News. A former West Wing staff member and attorney, Alison educates and inspires millions through her daily etiquette posts and seminars at prestigious institutions like Harvard Law School and the White House.