The Life-Changing Relationship Advice Women Aren’t Being Given Anymore

In a world where social media feeds are flooded with glamorous snapshots of solo adventures, wine nights with girlfriends, exotic solo trips, and empowering memes declaring “I don’t need a man,” it’s easy to buy into the narrative that singlehood is the ultimate freedom for women.

We’ve been sold this story since our millennial and Gen Z early days: prioritize your career, delay relationships, and build that “girl boss” empire. But lately, the target has shifted. Now, the mainstream media is zeroing in on married women, whispering that life would be so much simpler without the “burden” of a husband. Articles pop up everywhere inspiring women in long-term marriages to hit the eject button. “Why Stay When You Can Slay Alone?” they ask, painting divorce as a fresh start, a rebirth into independence.

It’s a sad, shortsighted push. Marriage isn’t just about romance; it’s about commitment, the kind that builds families, communities, and legacies. Yet statistics tell a stark story: 70 to 80% of divorces are initiated by women. The knee-jerk reaction is often to blame men, “What’s wrong with them?” but perhaps we need to turn the mirror inward. Do women struggle with commitment in a culture that glorifies walking away? Is this part of what leads gay women to divorce more often than either heterosexual couples or six times as often as gay men? The idea of rolling up our sleeves and working on a relationship, rather than tossing it aside like last season’s trends, feels revolutionary in today’s disposable society.

The mainstream media is zeroing in on married women, whispering that life would be so much simpler without the “burden” of a husband.

Of course, not every relationship or marriage is salvageable. Some involve danger, abuse, or toxicity, where separation is essential for safety, especially when children are involved. An intact family with a present father is ideal for kids, but no one should endure harm. Still, the vast majority of relationships aren’t in that dire space. They’re everyday unions that, with intention and effort, could evolve from failing partnerships to deeply fulfilling bonds.

This is where Dr. Warren Farrell comes in. A pioneer in gender dynamics, Farrell has spent decades bridging the divide between men and women. He is the only man to be elected three times to the board of the National Organization for Women (NOW) in NYC. As he spoke worldwide on behalf of early feminism, he started more than 200 women’s groups and some 300 men’s groups, including one with John Lennon.

When he felt that the women’s movement was articulating only women’s perspectives, and often devaluing the family and fathers, he wrote bestsellers such as Why Men Are the Way They Are and The Boy Crisis to highlight areas where men and boys are struggling. GQ magazine even dubbed Farrell “The Martin Luther King of the men’s movement.”

But it's his latest book, Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Seven Secrets to Lifelong Love, that's a game changer. It’s based on his hands-on experience teaching couples’ workshops around the country for more than thirty years, most recently at Esalen in Big Sur, California. Surveys of his couples find that virtually every couple feels their relationship has significantly improved, with that progress being sustained or increased even months later.

I recently dove into his new book, and what struck me wasn’t just its applicability to romantic relationships but all relationships. While other magazines tell women to walk out the door, we want to provide our readers with the tools and knowledge on how to make things work and improve struggling relationships.

So, I had a discussion with the man himself. Here's what he had to say about the key to a successful relationship.

Farrell explains that our expectations for what we want our children and marriage to be are much higher than when survival was the controlling force and we married “for better or worse,” not “for soul mate or I’m out of here.” Now we have the expectation of listening to our partner’s concerns and criticisms, but not yet knowing how to do it.

Of the seven secrets in the book, each hold value, such as “Couples that play together, stay together,” or how to create win-win solutions to your stickiest problems. I personally loved “how to create family dinner nights so they don’t become family dinner nightmares.” We all know how beneficial family dinners are.

But aside from the “secrets,” there’s plenty of wisdom. Here are two examples of Dr. Farrell’s “11 Soul Mate Wisdoms”:

“The secret to feeling loved is feeling understood. No one says, ‘I want a divorce, my partner understands me.’”

Our expectations for what we want our children and marriage to be are much higher than when survival was the controlling force and we married “for better or worse.”

And the second: Criticism looks different to the criticizer and the criticized. Here’s why:

The Criticizer: The criticizer often feels they're not criticizing their partner but merely sharing a concern or suggesting a change to improve the situation, usually with the intention to increase intimacy.

The Criticized: The person hearing their loved one make any suggestion for a change in attitude or behavior often experiences it as criticism. They then experience a decrease in intimacy.

How true. But the three secrets that have the most impact for me are:

1. How to handle personal criticism without being defensive

2. How to “pan for gold”: appreciating our partner systematically, spontaneously, and creatively with five levels of specificity

3. How to maintain a conflict-free zone

I’ll start with “How to handle personal criticism without being defensive.” Dr. Farrell found that it's biologically natural to respond defensively to criticism. Criticism signals a potential enemy, so getting our defenses up is functional for survival. The problem? It’s dysfunctional for love.

Overcoming the natural propensity to be defensive, then, requires an evolutionary shift. And that shift needs to precede hearing our partner’s criticism. Dr. Farrell developed mindsets that shift our naturally defensive response to a receptive response. Couples do this once per week in a “Caring and Sharing” practice that incorporates specific appreciations.

My second favorite secret is about appreciating our partner. Farrell teaches couples to do this by “panning for gold.” Instead of focusing on your relationship’s “stones,” you should be constantly panning for your partner’s gold. Look for how to appreciate your partner systematically, spontaneously, and creatively with five levels of specificity.

For example, systematically: each couple may set aside every Wednesday at dinner to give each other two specific appreciations. Instead of a general appreciation like “I liked the way you cooked dinner,” you make it more specific: “I loved the way you got the skin on the chicken so crisp. How did you make it like that so the chicken wasn't dry?”

And then there’s the third secret I loved: “How to maintain a conflict-free zone.” Of course, the Conflict-Free Zone is not a criticism-free zone. Your partner will express concerns that you will experience as criticisms. Farrell offers six tools. Here’s one: If you respond immediately to a perceived criticism, it’s likely to escalate into an argument. If you save your response for the Caring and Sharing practice, you will both be completely heard. So you can respond immediately and both be hurt, or respond in Caring and Sharing and both be heard.

How important is it to feel heard? Imagine being upset with your partner, and each time you start to share why, your partner interrupts you and blames you. You try again and get shouted down again. Can you imagine losing it? Conversely, imagine your partner hearing your perspective so completely that you feel seen and heard. Is there any chance you would lose it then?

What struck me wasn’t just the applicability of Role Mate to Soul Mate to romantic relationships but how its principles ripple into friendships, professional relationships, and even teaching family members with opposing political views how to hear each other’s best intent. He calls this last process “From Civil War to Civil Dialogue.” It’s very specific. Perhaps we should all learn it before our next family gathering.

Married women often report higher life satisfaction, better health, and financial stability than their single or divorced counterparts, especially as we age.

But why does this matter for women, you might be asking? Because the media’s divorce-glorifying narrative ignores the long-term toll. Studies show married women often report higher life satisfaction, better health, and financial stability than their single or divorced counterparts, especially as we age. Singlehood can be empowering, but it’s not the panacea peddled online. Loneliness epidemics are rising, and rebuilding after divorce, particularly with kids, is grueling.

Incorporating Farrell’s ideas doesn’t require a Big Sur retreat. His Role Mate to Soul Mate book has a QR code for a full online video course that you and your husband can complete in one weekend. You’ll find that as you become a deeper soul mate, you’ll also be more effective role mates, evolving your roles more smoothly as your relationship evolves.

It's time to reject the throwaway culture. Before considering the exit, ask yourself: What if we worked on this together by learning how to listen to people who disagree with us without being defensive, whether in our family or at work? What could make us better role models for our children?

Practicing these secrets might just save more than your marriage. It could redefine your life and all your relationships.