Stop Sending Your Boyfriend Wall Texts

You might think you’re doing your boyfriend a favor by writing out your innermost thoughts in a 1,500 word text – but think again.

By Gwen Farrell4 min read
Pexels/Eren Li

No matter the context, most women feel disheartened to get a one-word response (or no response at all) to their long paragraph texts. Even if it’s about how much you love and appreciate him, chances are you still won’t get an in-depth reply.

There are several reasons why sending long texts makes for an extremely ineffective strategy with men, and in the end, you might wind up more upset than you were before you sent the text. Stop sending your boyfriend wall texts, and consider these options instead.

Why We Send Wall Texts

Most women love to talk, and even the most introverted among us love to chat about our feelings. You might have no problem sending essay-long texts (also known as wall texts) to your roommate, mom, or girlfriends, but the problem is we think we’ll get the same level of attention and investment when we send a text of similar length to our boyfriend.

You might send a text to your boyfriend to say how much you care for him, and just to let him know you’re thinking of him during the day. This is the most positive spin on a wall text, obviously. And as you’re typing, that text can easily turn into long winded, if well intentioned, declarations of undying love and eternal devotion. Opening up your heart in this vulnerable and honest way makes it all the more hurtful when you get back an “ok”, “cool!” or even "love you, too" reply.

Or, you might use the wall text for its unintended but inevitable use – to tell a guy just how angry you are. What started out as an argument or a slight in public could very well turn into an itemized list of grievances and offenses. But it makes no difference what the context is; you’re more than likely to end up with a lackluster response or no response at all.

Sending a wall text when you’re mad makes sense, whether the guy is a situationship, a boyfriend, or even your husband. Maybe you’re hoping for him to engage in the fight and dismantle your text point by point. Maybe you’re hoping for drama or to resolve the issue (with a lot of groveling on his part). Maybe you’re secretly hoping that’s the end of the relationship and that your dysfunctional interactions and lack of compatibility have finally come to a conclusion. But whatever you’re hoping for, you probably won’t get it.

Men and Women Communicate Differently

Why is a paragraph of text so ineffective? The reason is two-sided, but it all essentially boils down to the crucial, significant differences between men and women.

The science is still inconclusive as to whether or not women are better than men at multitasking, but we definitely do it more than they do. Especially if they’re wives and mothers, women are constantly juggling multiple things all at once. But the male and female brains are wired differently, and most evidence demonstrates that men are only comfortable with focusing on one task at a time. 

Men also have much shorter attention spans than women, made even worse by the constant enticements of phones, TV, and social media. One study found that men stop listening after six minutes of their significant other talking to them. Most wives have experienced the sensation of talking to their husband, only for him to pay no attention whatsoever if he’s working on something else – regardless of the importance of the topic. While this doesn’t necessarily affect every single man the same way across the board, most self-aware men would probably agree that they’re only able to focus their attention on the topic or task at hand. 

This is why sending a wall text to your man is so unproductive. Even if the topic of your message is important to both of you, if your man is at work, with friends, exercising, playing a computer game, or doing another task when you hit him with a text that’s multiple paragraphs, you’ve already lost him. Texting as a main means of communication isn’t ideal anyway, but being bombarded with either accusations of poor behavior or with a flowery love letter can be overwhelming. Even if the future of your relationship hinges on his potential reply to your text, him looking at its length plus whatever he’s doing at the moment equals your message not getting his full attention.

This is why, in 99% of situations, if you get any response at all, it’s probably not going to be satisfactory. More likely than not, you’re hoping for a specific type of reply, and moreover, with communication abilities among millennials and Gen Z being what they are (i.e., electronic the majority of the time), he’s not going to know what to say or how to respond. Vocalizing your feelings is important, especially within a relationship. But vocalizing them through a wall text isn’t the best way to do it.

Assess Who He Is, and Make a Choice

So, when your boyfriend or husband has done something that upsets you, or even when you just want him to know how much you’re thinking of him, what do you do?

First of all, assess who this man is to you. The responsibility you have in communicating with your husband or the father of your children is vastly different than any obligation you might have to a guy who’s stringing you along in a situationship. That’s the distinction to be made here. Your husband deserves more effort than a guy who only hits you up at 3 a.m. wanting sex or one who conveniently forgets his wallet every time you go out for dinner.

Based on who this man is to you, you can then choose the optimal way to communicate with him. If it’s something unpleasant between the two of you that desperately needs to be resolved for your relationship to continue, an in-person interaction is better than anything else. That way, there will be no error on either part as to what the other individual is feeling or how they’re saying it, the way there is over text. Unless there’s blood present or an ambulance on the way, it’s probably not an emergency – leaving you with more time to build better, more effective ways to get your point across.

A phone call isn’t as good as in person, but it’s still preferable to texting. Texting should only be a last resort, and if you’re going to text, try to ask if there’s a preferable time to meet or talk. If the guy isn’t interested in getting together and hearing what you have to say, you have your answer right there as to how much he’s invested in you.

Finally, confront your own logic as to why you’re choosing to send something this important over text. If you want to convey how much you love your boyfriend, write him a letter and hide it in his work bag or his car, so he’ll find it as he goes about his day. If you’re trying to confront him about bad behavior on his part or looking to end the relationship, keep it short and to the point. If he’s done something truly egregious, don’t expend unnecessary energy on trying to get him to care about things he clearly has no interest in. And it should be said that blocking his number and unfollowing him on social media sends a much stronger message than even the longest text will. This is hard to do if you really want a response from him, but even the most well-written text probably won’t get you the response you want or need.

Closing Thoughts

Your best friend might appreciate your wall texts, and you might even like to receive a short story from friends. But if you’re trying to get a point across to your man, this isn’t the way to do it. He’ll get overwhelmed or distracted, and you’ll wind up hurt or annoyed. If you love him and want to tell him, handwrite him a note. If you can’t stand him and never want to see him again, keep your goodbyes as short as possible and walk off into the sunset.

Support our cause and help women reclaim their femininity by subscribing today.