Stop Giving Gay Predators A Pass

Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe you haven't. A comedian named Richard Gadd wrote a one-man play turned Netflix series called Baby Reindeer that has been going pretty viral as of late. The protagonist, whom Gadd plays, is meant to represent him and is depicted as a serial liar and a clout chaser, but he’s also a victim. Throughout the show, Gadd both subtly and explicitly indicates that he had been at the receiving and giving end of abusive relationships. But, Gadd also drops two notable bombshells: how he was stalked by a woman and how he was raped by a man. The Netflix show went viral for being “true crime” adjacent, and while many viewers have been caught up in discussing and investigating the “Martha” character who stalked Gadd, the fact that a gay predator allegedly victimized him has been somewhat buried. Why might that be? Well, if you call out predators – who just so happen to be gay – you might get branded as a homophobe. This urge to protect the underdog perpetuates a culture where men don’t speak up about crimes committed against them and, worse, a culture where predatory behavior festers and thrives. Call Out Terrible Behavior for What It Is Many – but not all – gay men notoriously have flamboyant personalities. There’s a reason why, when you read the words “gay pride parade,” you may quickly gather a visual image in your mind. Sure, some Pride attendees are pretty vanilla, but their normalcy is eclipsed by over-the-top behavior: sparkly costuming that’s barely covering their genitalia, sexual acts mimicked even in the presence of children, vulgar language proudly shouted, unwanted advances on their fellow Pride-goers like grabbing men’s butts, and more. I have a hard time imagining, post-MeToo, that if a straight man acted like this toward women, he wouldn’t get called a creep, canceled, and then lose his livelihood. Straight men so much as glance at a woman wearing scrunchie-butt leggings while squatting at the gym, and the woman will film him to post on TikTok and shame him on a public stage . No matter what part of the acronym, if you identify under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella, you’ve become somewhat of a protected class in the progressive left’s sharp overcorrection of perceived, pervasive homophobia, transphobia, or any other queer-phobia. But being gay or queer or whatever doesn’t also make you exempt from adhering to the rules of respect over others’ bodily autonomy that straight people are expected to follow. Being gay or queer or whatever doesn’t exempt you from adhering to the rules of respect over others’ bodily autonomy that straight people are expected to follow. The last thing that everyday people want to do is accidentally come off as any of the “phobics” or “ists.” You point out very real physical differences between the male and female sexes , and suddenly you’re a transphobe. You mention crime statistics, and you’re labelled a racist. You point out how sexual harassment perpetrated by a gay man is still just as disgusting, and you’re perceived as a homophobe. Real, terrible behavior needs to get called out for what it is: terrible behavior. Because the stigma grows when people feel discouraged from calling it out. Stop the Cycle of Stigmatization There’s a huge stigma attached to men coming forward in sexual harassment cases. Now, I get it – in the case of Baby Reindeer , Gadd’s character appears to be somewhat of an unreliable narrator. So, some viewers may find it hard to feel entirely sympathetic for him, but “victimhood” is a very nuanced experience. Whether a victim is a man or a woman, internalized shame from being sexually harassed or assaulted can cause a domino effect in a person’s life. Some survivors who have been traumatized may report their abuse immediately and seek healing. Some may seek refuge in personal solitude and inadvertently try to hide from their pain. And sadly, as the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people,” so some may continue the cycle of trauma by acting out in any number of harmful behaviors – many of which are also self-defeating. Binge drinking, gambling, taking drugs, bullying, perpetrating emotional, physical, or sexual violence…the list could go on, sadly. Many shocking elements from Baby Reindeer weren’t necessarily breaking news since Gadd had previously been performing the show as a stage performance for a bit of time. Does that format sound familiar? Similar to how Jeannette McCurdy did a one-woman show about her memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died , for some people, the ability to tell their story can help them heal from the invasive flashbacks, memories, and nightmares, the hypervigilance, trouble regulating their emotions, or self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps this is why actor Drake Bell finally decided to come out as the John Doe victim who had been routinely and severely sexually abused by dialogue coach Brian Peck. Peck, despite being a literal sex offender, continued his career in Hollywood. This is in part because the entertainment industry notoriously protects pedophiles, but let’s be honest – Bell’s rape was also buried by the tragic delusion that men aren’t victims of sexual violence. Don’t believe me? A professor at American Regents, Dr. Mary Koss, once said , “It is inappropriate to consider as a rape victim a man who engages in unwanted sexual intercourse with a woman,” arguing that a woman cannot rape a man. But it’s also not entirely unpopular for social justice-minded folk to shrug off men experiencing rape at the hands of other men. During the rise of feminism, it wasn’t so uncommon for radical feminists to tout this bit of misinformation. Even worse, it was actually institutionalized by government entities as well. In America, the FBI once defined forcible rape as “the carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will,” for purposes of collecting data. They’ve since changed that definition, but our friends “ across the pond ” haven’t been so quick to change theirs. Nevertheless, more than 900,000 men have been sexually assaulted in American prisons. I know that, lately, many correctional facilities are wrongfully blending male and female inmates , but let’s be honest. Women didn’t victimize those 900,000 men. Other men raped them, and to call it anything besides rape is what actually perpetuates “rape culture.” The sex of the perpetrator doesn’t invalidate the crime. Why ignore the root issue? The sex of the perpetrator doesn’t invalidate the crime. A perpetrator being a gay man doesn’t make the victim’s pain any less important or their crime any less devastating. Take it from a gay man, if you don’t want to hear it from me. In a 2017 article by Phillip Henry for Them , the writer and LGBTQ comedian explained how he believes that gay men normalize sexual assault. “The gay community has made sexual assault an appealing and casual art form. Gay culture doesn’t just tolerate sexual assaults, it encourages them,” he explained. Henry went on to detail how gay bar culture completely blurs any lines of consent, but his testimonial doesn’t apply to just gay bars. He provides some responses to casual gropings that a gay man might hear, like “You’re a man, there’s no way you were sexually assaulted,” or “Oh come on, he just grabbed your dick, calm down.” Again, none of this is exclusive to homosexuals. Straight men assaulted by straight or gay men are also regularly subjected to these blasé reactions. Under-Reported, Under-Recognized, and Under-Treated How Drake Bell mustered up the courage to get in front of cameras and come clean about his childhood is beyond me. Male rape survivors shouldn’t suffer in silence. Estimates suggest that one in six American men experience some form of sexual abuse before becoming legal adults, and over 90% of reported sexual abuse offenders are men. This means that, while there are certainly many cases of female-on-male sexual abuse that go unreported, there is a massive number of male-on-male cases which get swept under the rug. It has been well-known for years that male childhood sexual abuse is “under-reported, under-recognized, and under-treated”; this is because males are less likely to disclose these traumas than females and only 16% of survivors even consider themselves to have been sexually abused. Why? There are likely many reasons, but the stigma is a huge one. Acting as though men and boys can’t experience the same range of emotions as women and girls perpetuates many myths that cause men not to get the help they truly need to heal. “As a man who has experienced sexual abuse, why do I feel so much shame?” reads one of the common questions on the website for the non-profit supporting male sexual assault survivors, 1in6. The non-profit explains that stereotypical masculinity is often at odds with the experience of a male sexual assault survivor. They point out the following standards: “Males are not supposed to be used sexually.” “Males are supposed to be the sexual aggressor.” “Males are not supposed to have sexual contact with other males (an even more damaging message for gay or bisexual men).” “Males are supposed to want and to feel lucky for every sexual experience they have.” “Males are not supposed to feel vulnerable or fearful about sex.” While society has certainly done away with some “toxic” expectations for men, these feelings do linger. Acting as though men and boys can’t experience the same range of emotions as women and girls perpetuates many myths that cause men not to get the help they truly need to heal. For a deeper perspective, think about the stigma within religious communities. In Illinois, nearly 2,000 children were sexually abused by Catholic clergy – 451 clerics and religious brothers, to be exact. It’s not homophobic to point that out. Experts believe that as many as 40% of pedophilic priests are homosexual. It’s not homophobic to point that out. Another report found that around 333,000 children were sexually abused by France’s Catholic Church over the past seven decades. 80% of those victims were boys who were robbed of their innocence by male priests and clerics, and once again, it’s not homophobic to point out. Most Americans aren’t aware of recent reports of sexual abuse within the Catholic Church, but I’d wager that even fewer Americans are aware of the fact that expats from the Orthodox Jewish community suffered from molestation at a rate four times higher than children in the general population. We can’t cover up sexual abuse out of fear of antisemitism or homophobia because all that silence does is cast a veil over the issue at hand. Closing Thoughts Male survivors of sexual abuse need to receive support so they can heal from their traumas and not harm themselves or others. It’s not productive to pretend that, just because they’re men who should demonstrate “masculine” behaviors, they need to just move past the situation and hope that ignoring it will make the pain go away. If there’s a systemic problem within a community – whether that’s the gay community or a religious community – it has to get called out, lest we allow innocent people to continue to become victimized by predators in utter silence. Support our cause and help women reclaim their femininity by subscribing today.