It’s impossible to place blame on one gender because men and women are socially and psychologically interconnected. The frustration between the genders we see today is like a yin yang — both sexes are interdependent on each other. Gender relations will only be improved if each sex upholds its respective responsibilities.
Women as Gatekeepers
George Gilder wrote in Men and Marriage that “the male pattern of sexuality is the enemy of social stability.” Men are typically the ones who push and pursue sex while women are in the role of sexual gatekeeper. This means women decide which men get sex and which men don’t. Traditionally, women gatekept sex because sex is a much riskier endeavor for a woman (her emotions are more intricately involved and pregnancy could happen).
Traditionally, women gatekept sex because sex is a much riskier endeavor for a woman.
Since the sexual revolution “liberated” women from men, more and more women have given up the role of selector/reproductive gatekeeper and adopted a male attitude toward sex. In short, they act slutty. It’s now a norm for young women to wear revealing clothing and to act openly promiscuously. Sites like OnlyFans in which women offer sexual content to men for money grew from 7 million to 85 million users in 2020.
The Long Game and Social Stability
What are the consequences of this? It might sound extreme, but the truth is that “slut-shaming” existed for a reason. Women who act promiscuously are failing to play the long game and are jeopardizing the stability of society.
This is because men are motivated by women — access to sex regulates male behavior. If men are expected by society to court women before sex is an option, both parties are better off. Men feel they have a purpose, and women feel they’re cherished for their feelings and value. When women offer sex easily, whether online in the form of sexual imagery or in the form of hookup culture, men don’t have to regulate their behavior as much in order to get what they want. This is why “she’s easy” was an insult of the past; when women make sex too readily available, they’re jeopardizing male discipline and training men to not act gentlemanly before they get access to sex. Women who do this are doing a disservice to other women as much as they are to themselves.
Access to sex regulates male behavior.
Men as Providers
While women need to hold the lines on offering their sexuality, men need to do their part by not enabling promiscuity culture in the form of watching porn or paying girls on OnlyFans for sexual content. Men are not always aware of this, but they feel as though they like this behavior because they are tricking themselves into thinking they’ve fulfilled the “provider” role without actually doing so. Paying for and, er, “watching” porn briefly tricks the male brain into thinking he’s played the part of a loving husband, but it’s not the real thing. Porn acts like a drug on the brain, and eventually, men desensitize themselves to good normal women and normal sex because internet erotica is easily available and offers endless dopamine hits. Men may gain some short term satisfaction through porn, but they’re actually jeopardizing that which would give their life warmth and meaning in the long term — a stable relationship.
Men need to say no, much like women need to say no, but to different things. Men need to resist the temptation of internet “simping” and watching sexual content online in order to not encourage women to give up their virtue (because this hurts women). They also need to say no to things that could desensitize themselves to being able to recognize a high-quality, virtuous woman who they can provide for and build a life with.
Yin and Yang
Good male/female relationships require both sexes to exercise self-control. While women may enjoy the attention they get from lots of internet fans or having a lot of sexual partners, and while men might get a dopamine hit from watching porn or paying an e-girl for dirty pictures, in the long term this is a bad strategy for fulfillment and happiness. Men and women are interdependent beings. Like yin interacting with yang, men and women are complements and affect one another on an individual and societal level. If we want to alleviate the frustration each sex feels toward the other, both will have to take responsibility for their part in the situation.
Men and women are complements and affect one another on an individual and societal level.
The genders can’t behave without affecting one another, much as certain forces try to tell us that they can be fully independent of one another.
If we keep in mind that the actions of one affect the actions of many, perhaps the culture of promiscuity can gradually change. A culture of personal and social responsibility and courtship could be the antidote for the frustration felt by many men and women.