Men And Women Get Aroused In Totally Different Ways. Here’s What You Need To Know When You’re Ready For A Steamy Night

Human sexual desire, specifically female sexual desire, is an important — if underrepresented and understudied — topic in the field of sexual research. But the information we do have is actually fascinating, especially when it comes to the biological distinctions between men and women. The more we know about our bodies, their functions, and their reactions, the better we’re prepared to tackle potential hangups when it comes to sex. For example, it’s crucial to understand the male and female sexual response systems . Men and women get aroused in totally different ways. Here’s what you need to know when you’re ready for a steamy night. Our Sexual Response Systems Our response systems dictate how we get aroused in sexual (and for men, even non-sexual) situations. Many of us have probably noticed that arousal is not only a matter of body, but also of mind. For example, we could be wanting to have sex but not get aroused physically. Our response system is not just a matter of our body being aroused, but also our brain. Arousal is what’s known as a dual control system. Like a car, both men and women have sexual “brakes” (sexual inhibitions) and “accelerators” (sexual excitations). Our body could be hitting the brakes when our mind is aroused, and vice versa. With the sexual excitation system, verbal, physical, or emotional stimuli are activated in our brain, which in turn activates our physical arousal. Our accelerator goes green like a traffic light. If there’s an issue with body confidence or self-esteem, a worry over inexperience or how the interaction might proceed or potentially go wrong, our sexual inhibition system slams the brakes, and the light turns red. The response systems for men and women are complex, delicate things. While we know that both men and women can get aroused in the same amount of time , that’s about the only similarity there is between the two. For men, arousal can sometimes act like a reflex from stimuli. But women need a bit more than that. For Men, It’s Spontaneous Men, for the most part, get aroused spontaneously. For him, it could be seeing you half-clothed, naked, or even when you’re doing nothing at all. Men don’t need to see you in bed to get aroused. For your man, doing the dishes or working out could be all the stimuli his brain needs to get things going. Men’s response systems, compared to women’s, are relatively uncomplicated. He gets aroused (for whatever reason), and his body responds accordingly. This could be in the bedroom or anywhere else, for that matter. A physical or visual stimulant is all his accelerator needs, and zoom, you’re off to the races. Men typically have high sex drives throughout their young adulthood, but their testosterone drops at around age 35, which may affect their virility. As men age, issues like erectile dysfunction also become more common, which can affect desire – his body may not be able to respond to his brain’s ability to be aroused. For Women, It’s Responsive Female arousal correlates heavily to stimulation more than it precedes it. Your spouse might already be raring to go, and meanwhile, you’re not anywhere near ready. This is why foreplay, be it verbal, physical, or otherwise, is so important for women. We need that build-up and anticipation to get on the same level. Our libido also works in tandem with our hormones . At ovulation, when we’re at our most fertile, arousal could happen more readily than at other time in our cycle. Stages like pregnancy and menopause could also affect how we experience sexual excitations and desire. Estrogen dropping as we age can also play a role in how frequently we want sex and how easily we become aroused, both of which deserve attention. How To Initiate Men may get aroused more spontaneously – and to us women, seemingly more easily – but that doesn’t make the prospect of initiating sex on our end any less daunting. Research shows that men initiate sex more often, about three times as much. However, a behavioral science study found that men confess that they wish their wives would make the first move more often, and the same study concluded that couples have more sex when the women in the relationship initiate it. Arousal for both parties is about activating the senses of the other person, whether through touch, visually, or through what you say. If you’re trying to initiate sex more often with your husband, you can take these basic considerations as a way to approach it. First, stimulate his visual pleasure: How do I look? What am I wearing? Lingerie, or nothing at all? Second, utilize his sense of smell by spraying perfume, massaging him with oils, or lighting a candle. And don't forget to set the seduction mood by lowering the lighting. Third, touch. Whether through massage, cuddling, or letting your hands simply wander, intentional touch can start both your accelerators. Appeal to his auditory senses through soft music or your words, like “I’ve been thinking about this all day” or “I can’t believe how sexy you are.” We’ll leave the more descriptive ones to your own imagination. Amplify the taste sense by sharing a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates. Let your mind and imagination roam through ways you can take control and take him by surprise. You’ll feel more empowered and confident, and both of you will appreciate the result. What To Do When You’re Not in the Mood Picture this: You’re in bed reading a book or watching your favorite show, in sweatpants and an old shirt, and your husband somehow thinks your messy bun and unbrushed teeth are a sexy invite to get it on. Maybe you’re tired after a long day, stressed, or maybe you actually do have a headache and would rather fall asleep than try to convince yourself to get in the mood. We’ve all been there, and it’s completely natural for his libido to not line up with yours, and vice versa, 100% of the time. But think about how you’d feel if you were in his shoes. Pretty crappy, right? Not to mention, sex can help you destress and sleep better , and regular sex (about once a week on average ) is crucial to the health and strength of a relationship. If we solely relied on getting aroused before sex all of the time, most of us would probably stop having it pretty quickly. In and outside the bedroom, action often precedes motivation. First, relax. It’s sex, not a root canal. Second, even when you don’t want to, say yes anyway , unless it’s medically imperative that you don’t or you’re abstaining from sex for family planning purposes. Make sure that you ramp up the foreplay if you’re feeling less than spectacular, and make sure your man knows that’s important to help move things along for you rather than jumping straight to the main event. If something feels uncomfortable, speak up. Don’t feel the need to fake anything (or you’ll both wind up feeling bad), take your time, be in the moment with the man you love, and let nature take its course. Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself! Closing Thoughts Arousal can be a complicated dynamic, but in reality, it’s a rudimentary function of both male and female biology. Finding what works for you as an individual and as a couple may take time, but the exploration couldn’t be more exciting.