Making Motherhood Look Miserable Won’t Fix The Fertility Crisis

It’s impossible to scroll through TikTok these days without stumbling across fear-mongering about motherhood. Women are sobbing into the camera about how they never get a break, childless people gloating about their “freedom,” and an unsettling level of fanatical devotion to abortion. It’s all designed to send a very clear message: Having kids will ruin your life. Thankfully, this narrative is both exaggerated and profoundly misleading. Obviously, motherhood is harder than not being a mother because you are now responsible for another being. The stakes are higher. The responsibilities are greater. The fatigue is real. But here’s the part that gets left out of the viral TikTok sob stories: The positive parts of your life increase, too. The joy is greater. The sense of purpose deepens. The love you experience is beyond anything else in life. You grow in ways that nothing else can push you to grow. And for all the talk about “personal growth” in modern culture, nothing accelerates maturity and self-awareness like motherhood. It pushes you to develop more patience, more resilience, more self-discipline, and more empathy. And here’s the even better news—motherhood in general is just way more enjoyable than many people have you believe. The snuggles, the milestones, the hilarious conversations with a little human who sees the world with fresh wonder, the laughs—these moments outnumber the challenges. The good times aren’t just more frequent than the bad—they define the overall experience. So the idea that raising children is an unrelenting, soul-crushing sacrifice that should be avoided at all costs is not reality—it’s propaganda . And it’s actively discouraging the very thing that civilizations depend on: families. The fertility crisis is real, and while there are many factors contributing to declining birth rates, and people on both sides of the political spectrum deceptively making motherhood look as miserable as possible certainly isn’t helping. A Warped Right-Wing Response It’s well known that birth rates are dropping across the Western world, and the responses to this crisis have been absolutely counterproductive. On one end, you have the anti-natalists —the child-free evangelists who insist that having children is selfish, expensive, and a burden on both women and the planet. These people seem to derive their only joy from gloating about their supposed superiority as they sip overpriced cocktails and take credit for saving the environment (never mind the fact that their Uber rides and Amazon orders are doing just as much damage). On the other end, you have some in the pronatalist camp. These are probably well-meaning people who want to encourage parenthood but seem to think the best way to do that is by portraying it as the ultimate suffering. For them, motherhood is a brutal, unrelenting, self-sacrificial existence where women must embrace poverty, misery, and total loss of self for the greater good. It’s a life of constant struggle, where mothers should expect zero rest, zero help, and zero consideration for their own well-being—because “it’s all worth it in the end.” This is just as absurd as the child-free doomers. In some right-wing spaces, there’s an unspoken struggle Olympics when it comes to motherhood—where the most virtuous moms are the ones who sacrifice everything, live on the bare minimum, never do anything fun, and never leave the house. The subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) message? If you don’t want to live like this, you’re selfish. This narrative is often tied to the belief that women shouldn’t work outside the home, which leads to inevitable pushback from those who literally can’t afford to be in a one-income household due to ever-worsening economic conditions, particularly under the Biden administration. Regardless of whether a mother stays at home or not, the truth is women don’t have to forgo all of life's little pleasures to be good mothers. Taking time for themselves—whether to work, exercise, get their hair done, or go on a date with their husband—doesn’t mean they’re failing their children. Noble suffering isn’t the goal—raising happy, healthy children in a thriving home is. And a thriving home includes a mother who isn’t running on empty. Preparation and Practice, Not Perfection A big reason women fear motherhood isn’t because motherhood itself is bad, but because they aren’t sure they’ll be able to do it well. Here’s where we need a better conversation—not about whether or not women should have kids, but about how to set themselves up for success. The solution to the fertility crisis isn’t telling women to “just do it” under any circumstances, nor is it scaring them into permanent childlessness. It’s about equipping women to make choices that allow them to thrive as mothers. The problem isn’t motherhood at all—it's how we prepare for it, and how we approach it. Choose the Right Husband This is everything . A capable, loving, and dependable husband makes the difference between feeling supported and completely overwhelmed. Women need to be encouraged to think critically about the men they date, not just whether they’re fun or attractive, but whether they also have the qualities of a strong husband and father. Cultivate the Right Friendships There is nothing lonelier than motherhood without a support system . Women should be intentional about building friendships with other women who share their values, and who will be there to support them instead of constantly complaining about men, marriage, and children. Flexible Career Options It might surprise people on both sides of the political aisle to realize that most women don’t want to be full-time stay-at-home moms, nor do they dream of being corporate “boss babes” tied to a 60-hour workweek. For many, the ideal balance lies somewhere in between —a career that offers both flexibility and fulfillment without forcing them to sacrifice family life or financial stability. We should be encouraging women to strategically plan for careers that give them options. Entrepreneurship, remote work, part-time consulting, freelance opportunities, and roles with adaptable schedules are all ways to maintain professional growth while still having the time and energy for a happy home life. Live Close to Family (If Possible) One of the biggest predictors of maternal happiness is having family nearby to help. The loss of multi-generational support has made modern motherhood much harder than it has to be. If moving closer to family is an option, it should be considered a serious investment in quality of life. Mindset Matters This one is key. Motherhood is work, but it’s not "suffering." If you frame it as a burden or a cost, you'll fester with resentment. But if you see it as an opportunity to build something meaningful, to raise people you'll love being around, and to experience a new kind of fulfillment—it changes everything. Motherhood Is Aspirational Somewhere along the way, we stopped viewing motherhood as aspirational. Instead of celebrating it, we treat it like a cautionary tale. The modern conversation is full of warnings—about the cost, the exhaustion, the loss of independence. But what about the rewards? What about the joy? Becoming a successful mother is one of the most impressive things a woman can do. It requires patience, wisdom, endurance, and love. And yet, we downplay it. We make excuses for why women should abandon the idea instead of striving toward it. Imagine if we applied the same logic to other ambitious goals: "Starting a business is too hard, you’ll be broke and exhausted, so just don’t bother." "Marriage is risky, better to just stay single forever." "Fitness requires too much effort, so why not just embrace obesity instead?" That would be a ridiculous way to approach life, and it would crush a lot of dreams in the process. Just like any challenge, your experience as a mother will largely come down to your skill level. And the idea that you'll need to improve your skills to become a good mother shouldn't hurt your feelings—it should give you hope. Because skills are learnable, improvable, and adaptable. No one is born automatically knowing how to nurture a child while still keeping a sense of self—but you can learn how to master both . Whether it’s building a career, maintaining a strong marriage, excelling at a hobby, or raising a child—you get better with time, effort, and preparation. We Have More Control Than We Think In a quest to be relatable, to avoid making anyone feel bad about their circumstances, many women have lost sight of something important: We actually have control over a lot of our circumstances. We can elevate our lives instead of resigning ourselves to mediocrity. We can make better choices, prepare for what we want, and set ourselves up for success. Not everyone will have children, and some women genuinely don’t want them—and that’s fine, I'd rather they not reproduce. But for the vast majority of women who do want a family, the last thing they need is some misguided pressure to suffer because "that's what good mothers do." What they need instead is encouragement, guidance, and a reminder that motherhood is the ultimate flex. It's the most ambitious project a woman could take on, the greatest and most positive impact she can make, and the most love she can feel. What if, instead of framing motherhood as a sacrifice to endure, we treated it as the ultimate achievement and the beautiful, life-changing endeavor it actually is?