Is It True That We Date Men Who Remind Us Of Our Dads?

Have you ever stopped to consider why you’re attracted to a certain type of guy? Why, as you look back over your dating history, you can find patterns that repeat themselves? While you might assume that the guys you’re attracted to have everything to do with their facial symmetry, perfect height, sense of humor, or impressive job, it actually has a lot to do with your dad.

And before you click out of this article, no, we’re not saying that you’re attracted to your dad. What we are saying is that your parents, being your first and primary caregivers, had a significant influence on how you interact with relationships (affecting what is known as your attachment style), as well as what you look for in a man. 

This is a process that scientists refer to as “imprinting” – as a baby and child, your parents were the first people from whom you received attention, care, and love, even if it was irregular, unhealthy, or abusive. And so from that point on, many men will search for women who remind them of their mothers, and many women will do the same with men who remind them of their fathers.

So Do We Just Look for Guys Who Resemble Dad, or What?

While there are many couples who marry someone who looks nothing like either of their parents, there are studies showing that it’s not uncommon to choose significant others who physically resemble our opposite-sex parent in some way. For example, those born to older parents might find slightly more mature faces to be attractive. Another study found a connection between the hair and eye colors of our significant other and our parent.

But the similarities we search for don’t always translate to physical similarities. In fact, far more often, our pursuit of a partner who reminds us of our parent isn’t so much about how they look, but more about who they are and how they interact with us.

Your parents had a significant influence on how you interact in relationships and what you look for in a man. 

What It Means If You Had a Negative/Unhealthy Father Figure

The downside of this proclivity is that not all of us had a healthy, positive, meaningful relationship with our father. And while we might assume that we would only pursue men similar to our father if we had a “good” one, it’s actually just as true for those who didn’t have a healthy father figure.

For some, this could lead them to look for a boyfriend who provides things their father never did, but for many, this could cause them to put up with bad behavior or miss red flags because they were taught that this kind of treatment from the opposite sex was normal. This can create a cycle where we’re looking to “fix” or fulfill the unmet needs we had as a child by means of dating guys who subliminally remind us of our father – almost as if we’re doing a “take two” of our relationship with our father, attempting to get it right this time.

What It Means If You Had a Positive/Healthy Father Figure

For those who had a positive, present, loving father, the pursuit of a boyfriend who reminds us of him couldn’t make more sense. If our father consistently met our emotional needs, gave us an image of what a loving, committed partner looks like through his interactions with our mother, and proved himself to be a good man time and time again, then it’s not difficult to understand why we’d look for a guy who demonstrated similarities to him – even without necessarily knowing we’re doing that. 

Mostly, we’re looking for a guy who will treat us with the same love, devotion, and care as our own father did. And growing up with a good, strong father figure will also more likely keep us out of abusive, toxic relationships as adults. Because we’ve been trained to recognize what healthy masculine behavior looks like, and hold the men we date to those standards, anything out of that norm will immediately raise red flags for us.

Closing Thoughts

Many of us kind of do subliminally look for life partners who remind us of our father, whether or not that’s a good thing. So the next time you’re starting to fall for a guy, ask yourself why – you might be surprised at the answer!

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