I’m sorry to say it, but I’m gonna have to revoke Chris Evans’ hottie status.
I’ve had a pretty major crush on Chris Evans since I was 13, when I first watched Fantastic Four and was introduced to his (literally) flaming-hot bod. I loved him as Captain America and even suffered through the horrific Snowpiercer for his sake.
Plus, we have to admit that the punching bag scene might be the sexiest thing to come out of the Avengers universe. Here it is again for your enjoyment:
But it’s 2021, and it’s time for us to admit: Chris Evans just ain’t the babe he used to be. I’ve learned (and seen) some information about him in the last couple of years that I just can’t move past.
The Chest Tattoos
Chris Evans lit Twitter on fire this week after a video interview with his brother. The two talked about quarantine, Avengers, and their childhood. But thirsty Chris Evans stans lost their minds over an unexpected guest: his massive chest tattoos.
Twitter users were quick to advertise their thirst for his ink: “Good morning to Chris Evans’ chest tattoos, and Chris Evans’ chest tattoos only.” Another tweeted, “WHO TOLD CHRIS EVANS TO LOOK THAT GOOD IN A INTERVIEW👁👄👁”
Pardon me if my heart isn’t racing after seeing all his ink. Maybe it’s just personal taste, but it seems a shame to ruin his amazing physique with tattoos. He’s not exactly the perfect specimen we enjoyed stepping out of the machine as a newly buff Steve Rogers.
The Dick Pic
Forgive me for saying it, but I find a family man infinitely more attractive than a perpetual playboy. The other Marvel Chrises seem to have this on lock: Chris Hemsworth has three adorable kids with his bombshell wife Elsa Pataky, and Chris Pratt is unbelievably cute with his kids and wife Katherine Schwarzenegger.
I mean, who knows why Chris Evans is still single. But at 39, his singleness is less a sign to me that I still have a chance to marry him, and more a sign that he hasn’t really grown out of the f*ckboi phase. This isn’t just me assuming that all perpetual bachelors have something wrong with them; it’s based on actual evidence.
His singleness is a sign that he hasn’t really grown out of the f*ckboi phase.
Enter: the dick pic. Last September, Chris Evans accidentally leaked his own nudes on Instagram. In a screen recorded video, Evans momentarily showed a view of his camera roll… and internet sleuths were quick to notice a dark, suspiciously inappropriate picture hidden in his camera roll. Yes, I checked, and yes, it was a literal picture of his dong.
So, there are multiple terrible things we need to break down here. First, we now know that Chris Evans is the type of loser who sends women pictures of his junk (ew, didn’t need to know that.) Second, millions of people have now seen his junk. And third, he used this as an excuse to encourage people to vote.
Yes, you heard that right. He used HIS DICK PIC to encourage people to vote. Please excuse me while I go vomit. Like, can you get any more simpy?
And speaking of simping….
The Constant Simping
The real-life Chris Evans is pretty much the polar opposite of Captain America, and it’s a shame. Captain America, a.k.a. Steve Rogers, stands for everything that makes America great: freedom, loyalty, courage, and the power of the underdog. Even better, Captain America is total husband material.
Unfortunately, the real Chris Evans is a far less enticing prospect. He loves to talk about how he’s a feminist, and that’s a huge red flag. In 2018, he bragged to the New York Times that “he needed to listen more and speak less.” Spare me.
He loves to talk about how he’s a feminist, and that’s a huge red flag.
We don’t need male feminists to simp around and stay quiet on women’s issues. What we need are strong, admirable men who protect women and show leadership through their chivalry and masculinity. Either Chris Evans is a simp who’s happy to give in to feminist propaganda, or he’s just another in the long line of Hollywood creeps hiding behind their “good ideals.”
Whichever it is, you can count me out. Between the performative feminism and his bland political posturing on Twitter, I think we all know that Chris Evans is better at playing a real man than being one.
Having a pretty face and a literally famous butt are clearly not enough to create a perfect man. We need – no, we deserve – more from the hot guys in our country. If Chris Evans wants to reclaim his hottie status, I suggest that he mans up, stops promoting dumb political narratives, and finds a nice girl to marry. I’m sure he has millions of women ready to take him up on it.
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