How To Split The Holidays Without The Drama

Cue the Love Actually-style airport dash, the road trip with a playlist straight out of The Holiday, or the chaotic family reunion that feels one plot twist away from The Family Stone. The movies make it look charming, but in real life, the logistics of holiday travel can feel less like a heartwarming rom-com and more like a festive game of scheduling Tetris.

Every year, right about the time pumpkin spice lattes make their comeback, a quieter season begins: the one filled with whispered family negotiations, texts to in-laws, and endless calendar comparisons. Yes, the holidays are magical, but before the twinkling lights and family photos, there’s a question that can tie even the most organized among us in knots: Where are we spending the holidays this year?

For many, the logistics of travel and celebration aren’t simple. Flights book up, in-laws eagerly await answers, and you’re left trying to juggle love, loyalty, and airline websites. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Holiday planning is a universal stressor, and also one of the places where etiquette can shine its brightest.

Let’s look at five of the most common holiday etiquette planning conundrums, and how to navigate them with kindness, clarity, and grace.

1. You haven’t received an invitation yet, but you really need to book flights

Few things feel more awkward than waiting for an invitation you’re pretty sure is coming, while flight prices climb higher by the day. Families often fall into patterns—Thanksgiving here, Christmas there—but unless it’s clearly communicated, you’re left with uncertainty.

Instead of stewing in silence, reach out with warmth. You don’t need to sound demanding, just thoughtful: “I’d love to visit and have been looking at flights. I don’t want to rush anyone, but I’d prefer to book sooner rather than later, so they don’t sell out.”

This does two things. First, it signals that you want to be there (and avoids anyone assuming otherwise). Second, it puts the decision back in their court graciously. It’s not rude to ask; in fact, it shows respect for both your time and theirs.

2. Your family and your husband's family both want you for the same holiday

The ultimate holiday tug-of-war. If you’re in a serious relationship, you’ve probably faced this. Both families want to see you, and both likely have traditions they hope you’ll join.

Here’s the thing: many couples naturally feel closer to one side than the other. That doesn’t make you strange; it makes you human. And it’s far kinder to acknowledge that dynamic and work with it than to over-promise and under-deliver.

The etiquette here? Be clear, be kind, and don’t offer commitments you can’t keep. If you decide Thanksgiving works best with one family and Christmas with the other, say so plainly. If you alternate years, great, but keep track and be consistent. And above all, protect your spouse. If they share privately that they’d rather not travel, or that one family’s holiday is especially stressful, guard that information closely. No good comes from turning private preferences into family gossip.

The right answer is the one that works for you as a couple. The wrong answer is pretending you can make everyone equally happy, because you can’t.

3. You’d rather stay put than travel this year

Sometimes the kindest choice to yourself is staying home. Maybe you have exams, a looming deadline at work, a newborn baby, or simply the financial strain of holiday travel. Whatever the reason, it’s legitimate.

Here’s how to decline with warmth: “I’ll miss being there, but it’s best for me to stay local this year. Can we plan a visit soon after?”

Notice the two-part rhythm: first, you express affection and regret. Then, you suggest another way to connect. This keeps the door open without over-committing. And while you may feel guilty, remember: it’s far better to be upfront now than to cancel last-minute when stress catches up.

4. You’re expected to attend multiple gatherings in one day

We’ve all been there: your parents want you at their house, your in-laws are serving dinner at the exact same time, and your best friends are hosting dessert just across town. 

The etiquette rule here is simple: you can’t be everywhere, and you shouldn’t try. Splitting the day works if the logistics are truly manageable, but it’s not a kindness to show up frazzled and late.

Instead, set expectations early: “We’d love to join for dessert,” or “We’ll stop by for a toast, but we’ll be leaving after an hour.” By framing your presence as intentional and joyful, even if brief, you avoid disappointment while protecting your sanity.

5. You’re feeling guilted into a plan that doesn’t work for you

Holiday guilt is a stealthy little Grinch. Maybe it comes in the form of a parent sighing, “It just won’t be the same without you.” Or a sibling reminding you they “always” host and it’s your turn to pitch in. Whatever the source, the pressure to conform can feel crushing.

But here’s the etiquette truth: guilt shouldn’t dictate your holiday plans.

Instead, respond with gratitude and clarity: “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it this year. I’d love to celebrate another way.”

Notice again the rhythm: appreciation first, boundary second, alternative third. You’re not shutting the door; you’re offering another window. And that’s where the warmth comes in.

The Bigger Picture

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that holidays test our balance between tradition and autonomy. We want to honor where we came from while building lives that reflect who we are now. And that sometimes means new rhythms, changed traditions, or simply saying no.

Think about The Family Stone: the holiday chaos, the overlapping schedules, the everyone-in-one-house dynamic. The tension wasn’t really about the turkey or the tree. It was about expectations, communication, and love colliding in real time. Or even Love Actually, with its messy web of people trying to be everywhere at once during December. Both films remind us: the holidays are rarely picture-perfect, but the moments of connection are what we remember.

The real etiquette isn’t about spreading yourself thin; it’s about showing up where you can, with joy. One wholehearted yes is worth far more than three exhausted maybes.

It’s also worth remembering that holidays aren’t measured in miles traveled or hours logged at the table. They’re measured in how present we are when we do show up. Families don’t need a perfect attendance record; they need warmth, laughter, and the sense that everyone who’s gathered actually wants to be there.

If you’re hosting, that might mean offering grace to the relative who can’t make it this year. If you’re a guest, it might mean leaning fully into the celebration you do attend instead of worrying about the one you’re missing.

The holidays aren’t a competition. They’re not about proving loyalty, demonstrating effort, or checking a box. They’re about love—messy, imperfect, sometimes inconvenient love. And etiquette, at its best, is simply a language of love.

So whether you’re boarding a flight, driving across town, or staying right where you are, remember: your presence matters more than your logistics. Communicate clearly, choose kindness over guilt, and protect your peace. That’s the etiquette gift worth giving to others and to yourself.

If you have a question for a future Ask Alison segment, kindly email info@elevateetiquette.com.

Alison M. Cheperdak, J.D., is the founder of Elevate Etiquette, a consultancy where she teaches modern manners in a gracious and grounded way. She is the author of a forthcoming book, “Was It Something I Said? Everyday Etiquette to Avoid Awkward Moments in Relationships, Work, and Life.”