How Long Should It Take Before A Man Makes Things “Official”?

The scene: You’ve been seeing this guy for a little while now, and you really like him. He’s not your boyfriend yet, but he’s cute, funny, and driven – everything you’ve been looking for in a guy. You could definitely see the relationship becoming serious, taking a turn into long-term territory. 

The only problem? You aren’t entirely sure where he sees the relationship going. He seems to return your feelings, and yet, he hasn’t said or done anything to make things “official.” There has been no broaching of the what are we? subject, no moves on his end to take things from casual to serious.

You don’t want to pressure him and rush something that, given a little bit of time, could be really good – but you’re also beginning to wonder how long you should wait around. When can you expect to know whether or not a guy wants to put a label on it? How long should it take before he makes things official?

His Age Might Play a Part

There are many variables to take into consideration when pondering why he hasn’t made a move to lock the relationship down. Maybe it’s just his personality to leave things up in the air, or maybe he has approach-avoidance, or maybe he’s not looking for anything serious right now (or ever), or maybe…it’s his age.

While marriage is a ways off for a couple that hasn’t yet put a label on the relationship, a survey featured in author John Molloy’s book, Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, found that 90% of men who’d graduated from college said they were ready to consider marriage between ages 26 and 33 – this is considered a man’s “high-commitment” window. After that, the likelihood that a man will get married begins to fall.

A man’s “high-commitment” window is between ages 26 and 33.

So if your guy is on either side of the “high-commitment” window, this may be the reason he’s taking a little bit longer than you’d prefer to call you his girlfriend.

What the Stats Say

It’s no secret that every relationship is different. No two couples will have the exact same love story or dynamic or journey, but there are also some generalizations we can make and statistics we can look to for clarity when our budding romance has left us feeling confused, anxious, and at a loss.

New research shows that the average couple dates for around six weeks before having the “What are we?” talk. It was this same survey of 2,000 Americans that also reported that the longer a couple waited to initiate this talk, the more likely it was for one of the prospective partners to get cozy with someone else, hindering the initial relationship’s chances at happiness.

Waiting too long to broach the “What are we?” subject can cause all kinds of confusion. Another survey reported that close to a quarter of people would consider themselves to be in a relationship after sharing a kiss, and 27% would say it’s a “friends with benefits” situation after kissing someone.

What Does This Mean?

You certainly don’t want to jump the gun and pressure him into calling you his girlfriend after one or two dates. But on the other hand, you don’t want to run the risk of waiting too long to nudge him in the direction of commitment. So how long is it safe to wait?

By five dates, you can expect to have a sense of if the relationship has potential – assuming you’re using your time wisely.

While this answer won’t suit every relationship, it’s safe to say that by five dates (roughly a month), you can expect to have a sense of whether or not the relationship has the potential to last for the long run – assuming you’re using your time wisely to really get to know him. This isn’t to say that if he doesn’t ask you to be his girlfriend on the fifth date, it’s over – but it is to say that, generally speaking, it’s at this point that you’ll be able to tell what he wants and where the relationship is headed.

It’s likely that you’ll know if your values and desires are aligned, if he’s boyfriend (and even husband) material, if you’re attracted to him beyond just the physical, and if he’s actually interested in a committed relationship with you, not just keeping you as a back pocket girl. 

If by the fifth date you’re still feeling unsure about the answers to these questions, it’s entirely possible that he and the relationship aren’t going to head toward commitment. While some guys will take a bit more time to make things “official,” the reality is, if he wants to call you his girlfriend, he won’t mess around too much.

Closing Thoughts: There’s No One-Size-Fits-All Answer

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a specific, universal answer to the question of when a guy is “supposed” to put a label on the relationship? To be comforted with the thought that by date number x, you’d have a sure answer as to whether or not things would work out?

As much as we’d love to be able to rely on finding a one-size-fits-all answer to this question, there’s no magic threshold, specific amount of time, or certain moment when a guy should make it official. 

Every relationship will have a different answer to this question – within reason, that is. If, after dating him for a month, you still feel totally uncertain about where the relationship is going and in the dark about what he wants, there’s a strong possibility that he won’t be making any moves to make things “official.”

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