Everything New Moms Wished They Knew Before Having A Baby

Maybe you read all the pregnancy books, did your birthing classes, wrote your ideal birth plan, stocked up on raspberry leaf tea and ate the dates.

But many, if not all, first-time moms (and dads) find themselves unequipped mentally and emotionally for the learning curves that come with nurturing a tiny human that's completely dependent upon them for everything. The newborn stage and postpartum is its own ballgame, in addition to the whole birth scenario. As a doula and a sister with expectant sisters, I've seen enough newborn mamas to know that firsthand.

So, we gathered honest reflections from new moms to give some genuine and realistic guidance. This way, whether you're currently expecting or just want to be informed for the future, you can feel a little more prepared for what lies ahead.

The Surprises No One Warns You About

You can read every book and still be caught off guard.

Often what surprises new moms most isn't the logistics, but the intensity of everything. The sacrificial love of parenthood isn't often glamorous.

Many mothers didn't expect challenges like illnesses, hormonal rollercoasters, or how unpredictable a newborn's schedule can be:

"Juggling postpartum self-care while taking care of a baby is brutal even with family to help!"

"Colic. I was not prepared and didn't know anything about it or how to help my baby."

"How your schedule is never your own again. You can't even poop when you want you want to."

Then, there's the emotional side: the overwhelming love, yes—but also the fear, self-doubt, and constant questioning. And changing hormones don't help!

"That you actually really have maternal instincts and it's crazy. But also being scared and not knowing what the best thing is."

"It's surprising to realize truly how much your baby will need you."

"How easily he fits into our lives."

"Gosh how much you love them the MOMENT you see them. What a GIFT."

"How much love you could have for a tiny little baby."

"How much stronger I instantly became once they put her on my chest."

Postpartum: The Part We (Still) Don't Talk About Enough

While much of pregnancy focuses on preparing for baby, many women felt unprepared for their own recovery.

From night sweats and physical healing to "baby blues" and anxiety, postpartum can be intense. Several readers even shared how the loss of bladder control was a hiccup they had to adjust to. And that's just your body, not accounting for your baby who doesn't yet register it has a separate body from yours.

Add in sleep deprivation and the pressure to "do it all," and it's no wonder so many moms feel overwhelmed. As one mother lamented: "I was so prepared for baby girl and not well enough for myself and my own postpartum recovery."

Another shared: "My postpartum hormones made me very emotional for a bit—like one time I literally looked at a doorknob and broke down crying, haha—so I took some herbal supplements like passionflower to help calm my nervous system and some like omega-3s and Vitamin D3 to balance my hormones."

The isolation is something that many mothers mentioned as a very real and difficult part of the new-mother phase. One stated: "Gets a bit lonely when you can't just up and meet up with friends like you used to."

What helps most? Accepting help—from your husband, family, or friends. Eat enough nutritious foods so your moods stay balanced (especially if you're breastfeeding and burning a lot of fuel). If you have people who are willing to contribute, a meal train helps a ton. Staying connected helps as well (even daily calls can make a difference).

Carve out small moments for yourself, like a shower or a short walk (even better if your baby can fall asleep in the stroller so you can still have some quiet time). Several mothers said going on a walk and taking a shower every day really makes a difference and helps you feel more like yourself. Another added: "Doing a little bit of my fav hobby for about 30 min a day helped keep me grounded."

One mother said, "My husband and I have an arrangement where I have Saturday mornings to myself for some me-time, so I can go to Pilates, get my nails done, or meet up with girlfriends, and he has time with the baby. Honestly, it's been so good and it's so necessary."

A mother of eight stated very matter-of-fact: "Your life changes forever once you become a mother. Your focus is your baby. Your friend group changes. I didn't have family living nearby for my first few babies, so it was really nice when I could meet young moms and we'd go on walks together in the park with the strollers."

Leaning on faith or personal grounding practices proved to be a comfort, because motherhood is indeed a whole new level of sacrifice which pairs with the overwhelming love that comes with the territory. Multiple mothers mentioned how praying during difficult feedings or night shifts helped their morale and shifted their perspective. One mother shared: "Reflecting on Christ on the cross who gave His body for us as I am for my baby."

Sleep: Letting Go of Perfection

Sleep quickly becomes the most talked-about topic for new parents, and for good reason.

Some moms swear by strict schedules and wake windows, while others follow their baby's cues more intuitively. Techniques like swaddling, babywearing, or nursing to sleep are common tools. Later on, some couples found gentle sleep training helpful. To quote directly:

"Sleep training is actually compassionate (despite how stressful it may seem for the baby)."

"Light exposure during the day and keep it dark at night. Tummy time during the day."

"CIO as soon as the 4-month sleep regression hits…gave us 11 hr. night sleep stretches."

"I used earplugs when we eventually sleep trained, otherwise I'd hear her and feel guilty then not sleep."

"Turn off the WI-FI at night and it helps quality sleep, and don't use your phone near the baby's head! The EMF waves are so harmful for their tiny developing brain."

"Following wake windows and sleep training when baby is old enough."

"A snuggle me lounger made the transition from our room to her crib soooo much easier."

"Sorry not sorry but kind sleep training is the move for the whole fam's sake. Also nursing to sleep and naps in baby carriers 100%."

"Nap schedule and infant lounger. Nap time also on me was great lol."

"Staying on a schedule and watching for baby's cues."

"Once the baby is old enough you just have to sleep train, otherwise the baby gets super clingy and won't sleep when you're not with them and you never get a break."

"Nursing to sleep! We had the bassinet next to my side of the bed and then moved her to her crib at around 3 months. I read a lot of sources saying it would create bad habits but honestly, it's biology! My baby was sleeping long ranges or through the night."

There seems to be no one-size-fits-all solution. But the most helpful mindset seems to be to stay flexible and do what works for your baby, and your sanity.

What Are Some Handy Tricks?

"You can never have enough baby wipes and paper towels."

"Swaddling helps the baby feel secure."

"Learning your baby's language and skin to skin is always a safe bet for a crying baby."

"Get a wipe dispenser lol."

"If baby gets upset, he/she probably just wants the nipple, haha."

"My Montessori Topponchino (baby mat) and my Breast Friend nursing pillow."

"The 5 cries!" This one is interesting, but you might not be familiar with it.

We know that babies cry to communicate their needs, right? Well, as it turns out, a baby gives five specific cries, each with its own little sound. Here's what they sound like:

"Neh." This cry is often associated with hunger and comes from the baby sucking and pushing their tongue into their mouth, indicating they might be hungry and looking to feed.

"Owh/Oah." This cry resembles a yawn and often means that your baby is tired or sleepy and ready for a nap or bedtime.

"Heh." If a baby is feeling uncomfortable, itchy or burning, they might use this cry to indicate a need for a diaper change or that they're too hot or too cold.

"Eairh/Eargghh." This cry often signals gastric distress, such as discomfort from trapped gas or indigestion.

"Eh." When babies need to burp, they may make this noise to indicate that there's trapped air in the chest that needs releasing.

On Feeding Strategies

Breastfeeding can be beautiful, but it can also be demanding, both physically and emotionally. Several readers said nursing felt "so draining, literally." One mother shared with me how she just felt like a cow, always tied to pumping or nursing, and how it sometimes was emotionally hard having it dominating so much of her focus and energy.

Mothers shared experiences that range across the board:

"Babies might not immediately latch after birth and that's ok."

"She had a tongue tie, and I almost gave up over it…perseverance is really the key. It'll get to a point where it clicks, and the dedication was 100% worth it."

"Combo feeding from the start makes mom's life WAY easier."

"The physical challenges of breastfeeding—latching, clogged ducts, nipple injuries."

"The silver nipple shields truly help with cracked nipples."

"I actually liked breastfeeding! I did natural births and the babies usually latched well, and I loved the bonding connection I felt with my baby."

"My baby had acid reflux and spit up constantly. I couldn't eat dairy or drink wine or coffee."

"Nursing in the bathtub is a handy trick!"

"I couldn't produce enough for my baby, so I ended up having to supplement."

"Using a nipple shield is sometimes necessary at the beginning… and staying calm."

"See a lactation consultant. Sometimes latching issues can signal a deeper issue."

"I just found it so demanding, especially cluster feeding."

"It was so interesting to find out that the breastmilk actually changes in composition if baby gets sick—it literally becomes the medicine the baby needs to get better."

"When my milk coming in, it was actually pretty painful, and I didn't want to pump."

"Breastfeeding was my favorite thing about having all three of my babies. For me, at least, it wasn't nearly as 'painful' as everyone warned me it would be. It helped me feel so connected with my babies and I really cherished every feeding. Don't feel like you need to write down every time you feed your baby, or keep a specific schedule. I found that that just stressed me out and made it way less enjoyable. Just stay plugged into your baby's cues and feed on-demand, wherever, whenever. Lastly, please don't call yourself a 'dairy cow,' it's not only degrading, but will just make you view yourself as a perpetual victim of this beautiful, natural process. Resist the urge to complain and just be grateful that you have this ability to breastfeed and provide these incredible nutrients to your baby (so many women can't)."

"Even if you can't breastfeed for some reason or another at first, don't give up! I was hospitalized for a month following the birth of my son (as was he) and tried (unsuccessfully) to pump several times in the hospital between surgeries. I was so discouraged that it wasn't working that we eventually gave into using formula when the hospital told us they couldn't give him any more donor milk. When I was reunited with him a month after birth, I was encouraged by my pediatrician to try to latch him anyway. I didn't think it would work, but to my surprise, he latched right away and I started dripping milk. From there, we were able to wean him off of formula and solely onto breastmilk until he was one year old. It felt like a miracle."

One mother urged: "Don't get the epidural! Babies latch better from the get-go when the mom doesn't receive it." Granted, everyone goes on a different birthing journey, where some opt for natural, others welcome the epidural, and some have complications arise that were not in the birth plan. However—and don't shoot the messenger—there are medical studies that show that the epidural can affect the baby's ability to latch and suck in the beginning, possibly because the epidural slows the baby's reflexes and response time.

Here's an important note for nursing nutrition (from a naturopath mother):

"I had to remember to eat every few hours. This is not the time to go on a diet or calorie deficit so you can lose the 'baby weight.' That will happen, and breastfeeding will actually help with that. You have to eat more when you're nursing than when you're pregnant so you can make enough breastmilk. Not empty calories like potato chips, but nutritious and fresh-cooked foods with solid protein, fiber, and natural fats for baby's brain health. And it's so important to drink a lot of fluids and eat enough fruits and vegetables and things like sourdough bread. You can't nurse a baby on the carnivore diet. And if I or my baby got bound up, I ate a can of pineapple (in its own juice) so the natural enzymes helped bowel movements, and it always did the trick. I did at one point have mastitis, so I drank comfrey tea for the vitamin C and took hot showers."

The Small Things That Make a Big Difference

Sometimes it's the simplest tips that save your day, as these moms discovered:

"A bit of time in nature makes everything better."

"Sitz baths were so helpful for vaginal healing after the birth trauma."

"Shower every day, you'll feel so much better."

"Getting outside is the cure for anything."

"Don't ever do something during nap time you can do while the baby is awake."

"Learning your baby's language and skin to skin is always a safe bet for a crying baby."

"When the baby sleeps, you sleep or at least try to rest so you can recharge."

"Keep easy, nutritious snacks on hand."

"Peanut butter protein bites and meal train!"

"Setting up a meal train is so helpful!"

"Mute, unfollow, or block any negativity surrounding motherhood online. It's so incredibly unhelpful to see moms complaining about their babies or their new identities. Even if you don't feel that way initially, the negativity has a way of creeping into your subconscious, reminding you in moments where you'd usually be grateful and happy that you should feel like a victim of your circumstances. It quickly leads to resentment and dissatisfaction where there was none."

And perhaps the hardest, but most important, lesson: learn to accept help. If you have family nearby to help, you are blessed! If you don't, try to set up a system of some kind with your husband so you don't crash and burn. Your baby needs you, but don't forget that you also need some time to recharge as well.

The Hardest Parts (And Why They Matter)

Many mothers described feelings of isolation, especially when far from family or adjusting to a new routine. Others struggled with mom guilt, loss of independence, or worries about whether they were "doing it right."

"The hardest thing was my whole birth—it was miserable! It's important to not compare and read too many birth stories and get intimidated and feel like a failure in comparison to another's birth story. I was so unprepared for the pain. After the birth, it burned so bad to pee so I had to use comfrey compresses."

"The hardest things for me were my birth and the constant feeling that I wasn't good enough or a good mom."

"Natural labor and a cracked nipple that took almost a full two months to heal."

"Birth was the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life, but it was also so empowering and so incredibly primal. I think not having the epidural helped my body and muscles stayed more in touch with the process, and I think that helped prevent me tearing. I also exercised all before and during pregnancy."

"We didn't have any family nearby to help support and our whole friend group changed, so it was really helpful once I was able to meet young moms I could relate with more. It was a huge help having meal trains set up and my mother-in-law came in town for a week."

"Gotta rest especially the first 6 weeks—you rest when the baby sleeps. And meal trains were so helpful!"

"I felt unprepared with meals for postpartum."

"The postpartum night sweats!"

"The isolation, not being near family, not having mom friends."

These feelings are more common than you think.

One mother told me: "It took me a while to get back to being myself. I was close to postpartum depression and anxiety but once I started eating better and moving my body more, it helped."

Motherhood stretches you in every way—physically, emotionally, and mentally. But within those challenges, many women also discovered a strength they didn't know they had.

Another Factor For PP Depression

This is a delicate topic, but necessary for enlightenment and awareness: if a woman has had an abortion and later has a birth, it's often common for her to have (increased) postpartum depression and/or anxiety. A medical study found higher levels of depressive affect in women with past abortions in months 1, 6, and 12 after birth than the women without this history.

This is because the woman in this situation might suffer from a delayed sense of anxiety and depression; the reality of seeing her baby born live might trigger and solidify the realization that her past baby was killed in the abortion.

This is not the rule, however, especially if she has experienced healing and obtained help and support through counseling (Rachel's Vineyard is an example of an organization that provides wonderful support and healing after abortion). But it's a factor to be aware of, if applicable, and it's something that's not usually talked about.

Support Changes Everything

Whether it's a husband, family member, or doula, support can make all the difference. One mother emphasized: "My mother-in-law was a huge support! I thought I wouldn't want any help outside the hubby but boy was she our saving grace."

Partners who showed up, especially during the night, with meals, or emotional reassurance, were described as lifesavers. One mother said of her husband: "emotional support and getting up with me in the middle of the night so I wasn't alone." Another: "He was there for so much—[guys], just be present emotionally to your wife."

Speaking of support, almost every mother who participated in our poll wished she had a doula, and those who didn't only said so because their husband rocked at being her "doula." A few mothers had their sisters help them through their births. I know it was so special for me to be my sister's birth doula.

One mother mentioned, "I regret not having a doula, especially since I did a hospital birth. Next time I want to have one."

It can be extremely daunting to have a baby for the first time, especially if you're the first out of your friends or siblings to experience it. Don't underestimate how valuable that extra guidance and care can be!

Also, just because you hear the phrase "women have been squatting in fields for millennia," doesn't mean you shouldn't set yourself up to have a birth and postpartum that's as empowered and supported as possible to minimize trauma and burnout. Women are incredibly strong, but we do need support.

Here's what the contributing mommas had to say about their husbands:

"The biggest help from him was taking the night shift so I could sleep."

"Helped cook, held baby to give me a break/on nights when baby wouldn't sleep."

"He refilled my water 10000x, made food for me, and held the baby so I could shower."

"Emotional support and getting up with me in the middle of the night so I wasn't alone."

"Providing protein heavy snacks and encouraged healthy eating."

"Taking early morning shift so she could sleep, doing extra chores, making meals."

"Thoroughly taught himself about birth and postpartum, physical/mental/emotional toll."

"Offering support and steadiness when I was in baby blues, getting the things to keep the house afloat handled."

"My husband is a deep sleeper, so sometimes he slept through everything, but then he'd watch the baby in the morning so I could sleep. Eventually he sometimes had to sleep in the guest room so he could get sleep before the work day, but still would watch her in the early hours so I could rest."

"It's so necessary for your husband to do his research and learn about the birth and recovery."

"My husband was so encouraging and helped me know I could get through the pain of the birth labor, and he was really good about massaging my back."

From a mother of 8 and wife of 42 years: "Good communication is key—men are often clueless and have no idea how painful or exhausted the baby process is, during and after birth. They just can't understand it and will never experience it themselves. You often have to ask for what support or understanding you need. So, I went through things with my husband so that he knew what to expect or what I was going through. This is especially important for things like not having expectations with intimacy, so your husband understands and doesn't feel neglected."

Intimacy

On that note, let's talk about intimacy—sexual and emotional. The newborn and postpartum phase is quite the rollercoaster, and it's common for couples to experience intimacy issues because of the lifestyle changes, sleep deprivation, and the sex abstinence period after birth.

It's medically recommended that a woman wait 4-6 weeks postpartum before having sex so that her vaginal area and any tears (if applicable) have time to heal. This can be difficult, and men can often feel neglected while most, if not all, the attention is going to the baby. This is when good communication—about feelings, presence, and appreciation—is key.

Men want to feel needed and appreciated. A man who doesn't feel affirmed in his efforts will start to feel invisible, which is especially easy to slip into during the newborn fog when most of the attention is going to the baby. A genuine "thank you," a sweet pet name, telling him he's doing a great job too, that he looks hot holding your newborn, all of it lands more than you think. And if you find yourself needing some affirmation back, ask for it. Words of affirmation might not be his love language, so don't wait for him to read your mind.

It's also worth remembering that intimacy is about so much more than sex. While you're navigating the abstinence window, there are still plenty of ways to feel close to him. Send him a flirty text in the middle of the day. Wrap your arms around his waist from behind while he's cooking dinner. Snuggle up on the couch after the baby goes down. A quiet night in with takeout and a show counts as quality time. Sex isn't the only way to stay connected, and during this season, it physically can't be. The good news is your marriage was never built on that alone.

Practicing good, loving communication also creates a calm environment for the baby. Babies absorb your emotions, and your stress management affects them more than you realize.

One wife shared some marriage wisdom: "I know that as the woman, I am the heart of the home and how I talk to my husband sets the tone for our marriage and how he will respond to me. So I have to remember to be patient, affirming, loving, and respectful instead of reacting to something emotionally."

Another simply said: "Remember that, above all, you're a team. You're both navigating this new season together for the very first time. Give a lot of grace."

A Final Word to New Moms

If there's one thing these mothers want you to know, it's this:

You will figure it out. Not all at once. Not perfectly. But little by little, day by day.

There will be moments of doubt, and moments of deep joy. There will be exhaustion, but also a kind of love that reshapes you entirely.

And somewhere in the middle of it all, you'll realize this: you're stronger, more capable, and more intuitive than you ever imagined.

Because while no one can fully prepare you for motherhood, you are more ready than you think.