Many women assume that going on dates with more people is the best way to prioritize and optimize finding a potential husband.
Or, at the least, they think it gives them more opportunities to find a long-term relationship. Newsflash, ladies, going on more dates with the wrong people won’t increase your chances of finding Mr. Right.
I know it may seem like you’re being “proactive” about finding Mr. Right when you’re busy coordinating, communicating, and connecting with men on date after date. It does take up a lot of time, money, and energy. However, being busy doesn’t mean you’re effectively reaching your goal.
The goal should be an ideal relationship with an ideal partner, not just finding someone “good enough” for a relationship, marriage, babies, etc...If this is your mindset it may seem counterintuitive to you that doing less “dating” can get you closer to a relationship.
Being busy doesn’t mean you’re effectively reaching your goal.
Let me say that again another way. You’ll have more (and better) opportunities to find a suitable partner, boyfriend, or husband when you say no to more dates and you go out to meet men less!
If you’re scratching your head right now wondering, “Wait, how does that work? What am I supposed to do?” Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
Being “Busy” Isn’t Always a Good Thing
The problem isn’t that you aren’t meeting enough people, nor is it that you aren’t making yourself available enough. The problem is you’re giving the impression that you’re not available because you’re always busy. Not just busy working (which is a separate issue) or busy with hobbies and activities, but busy meeting other men.
This gives the impression that you’re not single. It also could give the impression that you’re sleeping with those other men! Have you thought about how it would appear to someone (interested in you) from the outside looking in?
I know it’s not intentional, or even justifiable, but...
Somewhere, as we replaced courtship with casual dating, women got it into their heads that healthy, high-value men actually like competing for a woman in sexual demand. Hollywood movies only reinforce this backward nonsense.
No respectable man wants to waste his time chasing a woman who can’t make up her mind.
Of course, no respectable, successful, eligible man wants to waste his time chasing and competing for the affection of a woman who can’t make up her mind.
It doesn’t even matter if you’re NOT having sex with multiple men because you have to assume most men aren’t going to clarify whether you’re sleeping around or not. They’re just going to assess you based on the impression they get at face value.
Consider the Opportunity Cost
Wait, there are still two other problems.
The second problem is that you’re likely meeting the wrong people. But the third, bigger problem is that you’re sacrificing time you could be using to better your chances of getting what you want and spending it on the wrong people who are costing you those other opportunities.
I’m talking about opportunity costs here. I like this idea a lot, are you familiar?
It’s somewhat of a new term for me, but it’s a concept I understood intuitively before coming across it. It’s a term that originated in economics, and it’s been helpful to understand how it works practically in life as a whole. I apply it to relationships in my work with clients all the time.
Opportunity cost is the loss of potential gain from other choices when one option is chosen.
Consider this, “Because by definition they are unseen, opportunity costs can be easily overlooked if one is not careful. Understanding the potential missed opportunities foregone by choosing one investment over another allows for better decision-making.” [LINK].
Dating is one of these investments. It’s an investment of all the things I’ve discussed already, including your reputation. Now don’t panic or get defensive.
When I say your reputation, I don’t mean you’re going to be branded with a scarlet letter just because you’ve gone out with a dozen men this past year. I’m talking about the assumptions people make about you.
You have to think about these things if you want to increase your chances of attracting the right man. You can’t just do whatever you want and assume a man is going to read your mind or come to the right conclusions about how you behave.
You should act according to what he could think, worst-case scenario. The smartest way to carry yourself is to act as if you’re already with Mr. Right. This is how you can increase your chances of finding him!
Start Becoming Mrs. Right — Right Now
This isn’t about manifesting him like you’re praying for him to be there someday soon. Instead of waiting until after you meet him to get your act together, make sure that you’re using all your available time alone to do the things necessary to improve yourself for that future relationship.
Use your available time alone to do the things necessary to improve yourself for that future relationship.
What would you need to improve or get better at doing (or not doing) to be Mrs. Right? If you’re like me, perhaps: keeping your home clean and tidy, getting finances in order, learning to regulate emotions better and not be so insecure, upgrading wardrobe, clarifying friendships and family matters, growing in personal virtue, and prioritizing beauty and skincare, nutrition and cooking skills (and fitness, but I always did that).
Okay, maybe now you’re seeing the bigger picture.
Let’s Talk Vetting vs Dating
The last piece of the puzzle is the more complicated one — vetting versus dating. I’m going to give you the Cliff Notes summary of my vetting system, which you can find in my book or process with me in coaching.
Here we go...
Vetting is getting to know someone before “dating” them. In my work with clients, I make sure to clarify that you don’t want to rush this fundamental stage because once you’re “dating” it should mean you’re exclusive (even if your guy hasn’t quite made that explicit yet).
There is no sleeping with or dating multiple men, ever!
Once you meet someone in real life or through your online networks, make sure you gradually get to know them.
Use video calls before you meet in person to help vet them.
During this time you’re vetting them for chemistry, personality dynamics, and shared values until you’re ready to meet in person. Use video calls before you meet in person to help vet them. This will save you time and avoid opportunity costs.
How To Go from Vetting to Relationship
When you do meet in person, you should be fully willing to accept the risk of what that opportunity (cost and benefit) means for you. You meet them because you’re genuinely interested and curious about them on a higher level. You need more information to vet them further.
Once you meet, you assess if there are enough green lights and few enough red flags to warrant more time spent together. The aim is to filter through to ONE man before escalating emotional and physical intimacy.
When you know you have your prize, then you “put all your eggs in one basket,” so to speak, and focus on giving your all to your guy. Make it clear that you aren’t seeing anyone else and are interested in seeing him only. Don’t give any ultimatums about his exclusivity. He has to offer it freely and enthusiastically.
The aim is to filter through to one man before escalating emotional and physical intimacy.
Knowing you’re taking that first chance and being honorable to him will be the deciding factor. If he’s interested enough in you to take you off the market, he will step up. If you’ve done your vetting well, then he will have the integrity to be honest and expedient here.
Whatever happens next, face it with integrity and class. If he rejects you, end it tactfully and regroup.
Many women attach the idea of happiness to a white wedding dress, a white picket fence, a white knight, etc. None of that matters without the healthy foundation of secure, healthy love, intimacy, and teamwork between two people that can carry them through all the unfolding milestones ahead.
If you can hold it together through the lonely days, weeks, months, years even you will reap the rewards. Don’t lose faith and don’t lower your (more than reasonable) standards to grab low-hanging fruit that’s available — or just good enough.
If you want to deserve more, be more and be more selective.